20131211
20100312
Til We Meet Again
This has been a post long due from its deadline. Maybe almost two months. Now I have to try to readjust my emotional state to pretty much how it was a couple of months ago, so as quite a lot of things had happened since then.
-----
So I have decided not to tell her. I just couldn't muster the courage to do so.
Looking several years back on the times we have spent together here in my hometown, it's as if I almost believed that I was not going to see her anymore, or at least for the longest time. Those memories had been so precious to me, that I'd always felt I'd die at the moment reminiscing about those times. They are ultimately irreplaceable.
I know I did expect myself on carrying on my then-mission as soon as I had the chance, as soon as I face her. I would always think that that very moment would serve as a turning point in my life - one point in my life I would always believe I had to face head on. Well, what could I do? For years of not seeing her but constantly thinking of her, I just couldn't get her off of my mind. It had been driving me nuts.
At the very moment that I laid my eyes on her pretty face again, on that very very early morning, memories came back reeling in my head in a very unique fashion that I had never experienced. I could taste my chance, but at the same time trembling inside. I really did not have any idea how to do it.
But definitely, being with her in those days, I was happy. Maybe not the happiest days of my life as compared to our first meet up, but definitely happy. I would think back, trying to get all excited, imagining how would we be the next time we meet, pretty much on that social and emotional condition how we were years ago. Then there it came. A lot of things may have changed from the years, and definitely I had been a complete non-factor in her life. But I'd rather cherish those simple and subtle new moments I got with her.
As those few days come to pass, not seeing her as much as I had expected and honestly wished for (well still seeing her), I began to realize that I should not be doing what I thought I was supposed to do. I just couldn't muster the courage to reverse that, and I just got dumbfounded from within, though I made sure whenever I talked to her, I would sound all smart and confident, just to erase my old stupid shy facade to her. Yeah, at times she would hear me say some witty and well thought stuff. We had short but meaningful conversations.
I am now not that sure if her brother is somewhat in a form of a person to the rescue., but he did listen to me intently. After that night that we had that very serious talk (which made us sleep at 3 in the morning), I would ask myself - did I just do something stupid by telling everything to him? What was my real purpose? I honestly don't know why I turned on him. Maybe I just needed someone whom I could take refuge in in that time I needed someone or something to keep my spirits up. But yeah, on some days, he would encourage me to tell his sister these feelings I had been keeping bottled up inside of me. And it would make me smile, thinking that someone is trying to convince me to do it on a personal level even though it would be utterly misplaced.
Though I already told him everything, I gave him this blog and I left the ACTUAL PREQUEL to him. I handed it to him, and hoping to see it again soon when I feel better about this. I wholeheartedly chose things to go on this way. It's up to him if he would really be interested to read it, or even read this blog (which I honestly don't think he will even take a peek). It's even up to him if he would tell his sister about all of these. I don't know, but as of posting time, I have been growing not to care about it.
We really didn't have a very meaningful goodbye. She just entered the room where I was packing my stuff away. She just said the usual stuff, and shook my hand. I just said goodbye as if I wasn't being torn apart. I was, but I had to control myself. I did control myself. But at that point again, my mind was again thinking about a lot of things. Was I wrong that I let this chance go away? Will I go regretting again in the future? Why didn't I even had the chance to hug her?
So as I was tipsy while I was in the airplane on my way home, I only felt two things - mild dizziness, and missing her again.
Now, a couple of months has passed, I have been growing to focus on what I have back here at home with what I have within reach. She has not been running in my mind like how she used to, but still at times I remember her. I do not miss her like before, but I know she would still lighten me up. I know I can never have her as someone who I want her to be in my life, but I am pretty much convinced that she is and will always be special in my heart, no matter what happens. And I will see her again soon, and hopefully I will not have this burden with me by then. Til we meet again.
-----
This is my last entry of this blog. I am ending this right here. I dearly thank all of those readers who have been following this blog for the longest time. This has been running for exactly one year and one month, and it ends now. I thank you all for your time in reading and leaving your comments. You have enlightened my soul in the most precious ways ever imagined by this but humble secret lover. I hope and pray you people don't have to experience what I had experienced. God bless us all!
-----
So I have decided not to tell her. I just couldn't muster the courage to do so.
Looking several years back on the times we have spent together here in my hometown, it's as if I almost believed that I was not going to see her anymore, or at least for the longest time. Those memories had been so precious to me, that I'd always felt I'd die at the moment reminiscing about those times. They are ultimately irreplaceable.
I know I did expect myself on carrying on my then-mission as soon as I had the chance, as soon as I face her. I would always think that that very moment would serve as a turning point in my life - one point in my life I would always believe I had to face head on. Well, what could I do? For years of not seeing her but constantly thinking of her, I just couldn't get her off of my mind. It had been driving me nuts.
At the very moment that I laid my eyes on her pretty face again, on that very very early morning, memories came back reeling in my head in a very unique fashion that I had never experienced. I could taste my chance, but at the same time trembling inside. I really did not have any idea how to do it.
But definitely, being with her in those days, I was happy. Maybe not the happiest days of my life as compared to our first meet up, but definitely happy. I would think back, trying to get all excited, imagining how would we be the next time we meet, pretty much on that social and emotional condition how we were years ago. Then there it came. A lot of things may have changed from the years, and definitely I had been a complete non-factor in her life. But I'd rather cherish those simple and subtle new moments I got with her.
As those few days come to pass, not seeing her as much as I had expected and honestly wished for (well still seeing her), I began to realize that I should not be doing what I thought I was supposed to do. I just couldn't muster the courage to reverse that, and I just got dumbfounded from within, though I made sure whenever I talked to her, I would sound all smart and confident, just to erase my old stupid shy facade to her. Yeah, at times she would hear me say some witty and well thought stuff. We had short but meaningful conversations.
I am now not that sure if her brother is somewhat in a form of a person to the rescue., but he did listen to me intently. After that night that we had that very serious talk (which made us sleep at 3 in the morning), I would ask myself - did I just do something stupid by telling everything to him? What was my real purpose? I honestly don't know why I turned on him. Maybe I just needed someone whom I could take refuge in in that time I needed someone or something to keep my spirits up. But yeah, on some days, he would encourage me to tell his sister these feelings I had been keeping bottled up inside of me. And it would make me smile, thinking that someone is trying to convince me to do it on a personal level even though it would be utterly misplaced.
Though I already told him everything, I gave him this blog and I left the ACTUAL PREQUEL to him. I handed it to him, and hoping to see it again soon when I feel better about this. I wholeheartedly chose things to go on this way. It's up to him if he would really be interested to read it, or even read this blog (which I honestly don't think he will even take a peek). It's even up to him if he would tell his sister about all of these. I don't know, but as of posting time, I have been growing not to care about it.
We really didn't have a very meaningful goodbye. She just entered the room where I was packing my stuff away. She just said the usual stuff, and shook my hand. I just said goodbye as if I wasn't being torn apart. I was, but I had to control myself. I did control myself. But at that point again, my mind was again thinking about a lot of things. Was I wrong that I let this chance go away? Will I go regretting again in the future? Why didn't I even had the chance to hug her?
So as I was tipsy while I was in the airplane on my way home, I only felt two things - mild dizziness, and missing her again.
Now, a couple of months has passed, I have been growing to focus on what I have back here at home with what I have within reach. She has not been running in my mind like how she used to, but still at times I remember her. I do not miss her like before, but I know she would still lighten me up. I know I can never have her as someone who I want her to be in my life, but I am pretty much convinced that she is and will always be special in my heart, no matter what happens. And I will see her again soon, and hopefully I will not have this burden with me by then. Til we meet again.
-----
This is my last entry of this blog. I am ending this right here. I dearly thank all of those readers who have been following this blog for the longest time. This has been running for exactly one year and one month, and it ends now. I thank you all for your time in reading and leaving your comments. You have enlightened my soul in the most precious ways ever imagined by this but humble secret lover. I hope and pray you people don't have to experience what I had experienced. God bless us all!
20100126
Unexpected Turn of Events
If you are someone who have followed this blog for the longest time, you would be expecting that I would be telling her everything that I still feel about her before coming back home. You would be expecting some dramatic events that could have happened in that very part of my life. You would be expecting me feeling alright or maybe a bit happier than I should be by letting my heart out in front of her face.
Well, I am feeling alright and happier as I post this, but I never told her even but a single thing. It's not that I never had the chance to talk to her. I had maybe significantly less chances than I expected, but they were still chances and I only needed one chance. But I did not take it. I just could not muster the courage to carry on with that. And I firmly stand with that decision I made, hoping I won't be regretting it soon.
I might have joked a bit to her about it. Something I said to her like "Well, it was kinda lonely... because you weren't there with me." But enough of how she reacted, because she just gave a blank reaction to that. Maybe she was all stressed from the work she was doing. And yeah, that was the reason why we did not have much bonding time as much as we had years before.
Well, that made me turn my attention to her brother. He's already like a brother to me. My brother from another mother, and I don't exactly know how he feels about that. But just for a few days spending time with this guy, we had already done quite a lot of stuff together. He made me feel quite comfortable around him.
And being comfortable with him, I told him everything. To him, instead to her. Well, as I was just starting telling him stuff, he already guessed what was it all about right. I showed him the prequel, and I showed him this exact blog. He is the first person who I have showed him all of these in person. I might have seem weirded him out with all these things I have revealed to him in just a single night.
He did let me sincerely pour my heart out to him, trying to mean every word I said to him, and also hoping at least he would still pay some respect to me if ever he could never understand why I was saying those things. Yeah, I was worried about that but that really did not stop me from sharing my thoughts to him.
I left everything I wrote about his sister to him - the prequel and this blog. I have left the decision to him if he wants to read everything from start to finish or not. And I left myself with the decision of not telling her anything, of leaving everything as they are right now.
Please watch out for my next entry of this blog, which will be the very very very last entry. :)
Well, I am feeling alright and happier as I post this, but I never told her even but a single thing. It's not that I never had the chance to talk to her. I had maybe significantly less chances than I expected, but they were still chances and I only needed one chance. But I did not take it. I just could not muster the courage to carry on with that. And I firmly stand with that decision I made, hoping I won't be regretting it soon.
I might have joked a bit to her about it. Something I said to her like "Well, it was kinda lonely... because you weren't there with me." But enough of how she reacted, because she just gave a blank reaction to that. Maybe she was all stressed from the work she was doing. And yeah, that was the reason why we did not have much bonding time as much as we had years before.
Well, that made me turn my attention to her brother. He's already like a brother to me. My brother from another mother, and I don't exactly know how he feels about that. But just for a few days spending time with this guy, we had already done quite a lot of stuff together. He made me feel quite comfortable around him.
And being comfortable with him, I told him everything. To him, instead to her. Well, as I was just starting telling him stuff, he already guessed what was it all about right. I showed him the prequel, and I showed him this exact blog. He is the first person who I have showed him all of these in person. I might have seem weirded him out with all these things I have revealed to him in just a single night.
He did let me sincerely pour my heart out to him, trying to mean every word I said to him, and also hoping at least he would still pay some respect to me if ever he could never understand why I was saying those things. Yeah, I was worried about that but that really did not stop me from sharing my thoughts to him.
I left everything I wrote about his sister to him - the prequel and this blog. I have left the decision to him if he wants to read everything from start to finish or not. And I left myself with the decision of not telling her anything, of leaving everything as they are right now.
Please watch out for my next entry of this blog, which will be the very very very last entry. :)
20100122
Immersion Exercise: Finished
So my stay here with my sponsors will be ending really soon. It has been a really enjoyable stay here. I have seen and experienced a lot in a different perspective. Things may have gone as partly exactly what I have planned, and could have been done in another way, but I have preferred to be this way.
And yep, I have met her again face to face. I ended up not telling her anything because I chose so. I will not be seeing her for the time being again.
This immersion exercise for me is a really big thing for me. During my stay here, I had been always brought back to the same time we were first together. This is a continuation, maybe a very senseless one, that I made possible myself.
I may not have done what this blog is all about, but it's all going to be. I chose to kept quiet and hide these very special feelings until the end.
I will put to more details when I get back home. Maybe two more posts then this blog is over.
And yep, I have met her again face to face. I ended up not telling her anything because I chose so. I will not be seeing her for the time being again.
This immersion exercise for me is a really big thing for me. During my stay here, I had been always brought back to the same time we were first together. This is a continuation, maybe a very senseless one, that I made possible myself.
I may not have done what this blog is all about, but it's all going to be. I chose to kept quiet and hide these very special feelings until the end.
I will put to more details when I get back home. Maybe two more posts then this blog is over.
20100118
Viewing The Roots
This is not the first time that I am using another terminal to make another blog entry, but certainly this is the only time that I will be using this particular terminal. It's 90561495's cousin's.
I am here in her hometown - some two hundred kilometers north of where we first met. I am hanging out with her cousins, who I honestly think are great people to be with. They are giving me blast here in my stay so far. And now they are both here with me in the same room, doing our own businesses in front of the PC's.
It always give me this certain kind of interest to visit and tour a bit one person's childhood town, especially those very interesting or special people that moved out from that town. I am guessing maybe because I am still living in the same house I grew up in, and never had to feel moving out and living in another area.
Touring one's hometown always gives me this investigative and analytical, but at the same time very empathic feeling, like trying to relive how this person went through as a child, or sometimes giving credit blaming a certain place for making this person who he or she is now.
And yea, I had the chance earlier today to blame a certain place. We passed by the school where she finished primary and secondary school (if I am not mistaken, and if I am, I am sure she did finish secondary school there). I was just staring at the campus while we drove down the area, trying to imagine her as a kid walking around. And at some point, I just have to blame that place for making her the person WHO IS SEEMINGLY HARD TO REACH. Crap you know, but I can't just do anything about it and I have to live with it.
As we were having dinner, I just could not help checking all the sights around me. The fact that she once dealt with this humble city in her forming years. And even if I blamed this place for something, I have to it some credit for harnessing its omnipotent powers to give birth and raise a very amazing person for the world to see and have.
Now I am having a time of my life on her roots, and so far away from her, I am thinking about her.
I am here in her hometown - some two hundred kilometers north of where we first met. I am hanging out with her cousins, who I honestly think are great people to be with. They are giving me blast here in my stay so far. And now they are both here with me in the same room, doing our own businesses in front of the PC's.
It always give me this certain kind of interest to visit and tour a bit one person's childhood town, especially those very interesting or special people that moved out from that town. I am guessing maybe because I am still living in the same house I grew up in, and never had to feel moving out and living in another area.
Touring one's hometown always gives me this investigative and analytical, but at the same time very empathic feeling, like trying to relive how this person went through as a child, or sometimes giving credit blaming a certain place for making this person who he or she is now.
And yea, I had the chance earlier today to blame a certain place. We passed by the school where she finished primary and secondary school (if I am not mistaken, and if I am, I am sure she did finish secondary school there). I was just staring at the campus while we drove down the area, trying to imagine her as a kid walking around. And at some point, I just have to blame that place for making her the person WHO IS SEEMINGLY HARD TO REACH. Crap you know, but I can't just do anything about it and I have to live with it.
As we were having dinner, I just could not help checking all the sights around me. The fact that she once dealt with this humble city in her forming years. And even if I blamed this place for something, I have to it some credit for harnessing its omnipotent powers to give birth and raise a very amazing person for the world to see and have.
Now I am having a time of my life on her roots, and so far away from her, I am thinking about her.
20100115
Smile! You're on camera!
Finally.
I just can't believe it. Just awhile ago I am fifteen hundred miles away from her. And now, she is but again a tad away from me. I have actually flown that far to see her.
The moment I saw her, I knew my heart skipped that beat. I waved at her but I don't think she noticed. She just had the most beautiful little eyes I have ever seen in my entire life, eventhough at this instance she was too sleepy to open them up. She looks the very same pretty girl I have seen before when started going head over heels for her.
I hope I can muster the courage to tell her personally what this blog is all about. I got a week to do that. Wish me luck!
I just can't believe it. Just awhile ago I am fifteen hundred miles away from her. And now, she is but again a tad away from me. I have actually flown that far to see her.
The moment I saw her, I knew my heart skipped that beat. I waved at her but I don't think she noticed. She just had the most beautiful little eyes I have ever seen in my entire life, eventhough at this instance she was too sleepy to open them up. She looks the very same pretty girl I have seen before when started going head over heels for her.
I hope I can muster the courage to tell her personally what this blog is all about. I got a week to do that. Wish me luck!
20091221
Ready. Set. Waiting for the Green Light.
After several years, I have finally marked it official. I am finally meeting her soon, and I know exactly when, where and around what time. I am making myself ready for that very moment, and everything after that. For whatever happens, I hope everything will be ok.
Just as we parted ways years ago, while my resolve was hanging by a very sharp edge fervently watching out her every message she would send me in very rare occasions, I learned that a few years after that we would meet again. That exactly was not in my control, but of course I looked forward for it. At nights that I would daydream just imagining how things would be on our next "expected" meeting. That went on for quite a long time while I wait for that day.
But things took an unexpected turn. On a bad road. In other words, I wouldn't meet her again. Try to imagine how I felt at that exact moment when I realized that. I know around that time our separate lives have gone separate ways. But nonetheless, I felt that sting in my heart.
Being bound to a promise I made before (not to her), but not saying I was in some kind of a control, I took matters in my own hands. And right at this moment, I am very happy and excited that somehow I have put myself back in that track again, and even more thinking about that it was all my doing that made that possible. I took control, then soon will be taking off.
Well, not really much things needed for me to be done to make this possible. Just have to cut a big part of one's savings depending on your current financial standing, a little bit of patience and time. I think strength of resolve and a big heart are also needed.
Now, I have the same thing to be looked forward again. Maybe in a different setup, but it's the same thing.
Oh boy, am I so ready to meet her again. We've lost a lot of time, and we're about to unfold how much lost time we will get back.
Just as we parted ways years ago, while my resolve was hanging by a very sharp edge fervently watching out her every message she would send me in very rare occasions, I learned that a few years after that we would meet again. That exactly was not in my control, but of course I looked forward for it. At nights that I would daydream just imagining how things would be on our next "expected" meeting. That went on for quite a long time while I wait for that day.
But things took an unexpected turn. On a bad road. In other words, I wouldn't meet her again. Try to imagine how I felt at that exact moment when I realized that. I know around that time our separate lives have gone separate ways. But nonetheless, I felt that sting in my heart.
Being bound to a promise I made before (not to her), but not saying I was in some kind of a control, I took matters in my own hands. And right at this moment, I am very happy and excited that somehow I have put myself back in that track again, and even more thinking about that it was all my doing that made that possible. I took control, then soon will be taking off.
Well, not really much things needed for me to be done to make this possible. Just have to cut a big part of one's savings depending on your current financial standing, a little bit of patience and time. I think strength of resolve and a big heart are also needed.
Now, I have the same thing to be looked forward again. Maybe in a different setup, but it's the same thing.
Oh boy, am I so ready to meet her again. We've lost a lot of time, and we're about to unfold how much lost time we will get back.
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