20090427
[OFF TOPIC] Switching IDs
I am temporarily switching my Yahoo Messenger ID to brownman90561495. Stupid Yahoo. They have already deactivated, suspended, locked out or whatever 2 of my IDs already.
P1: "I have no idea what time it is..."
Yes, I felt so high from the small chat my sister and I just had the previous night, so high that I had to do something. I felt I have to let this out. I just went out, feeling very lightly and found myself looking for an "outlet". I did not even realize what time it was.
Then there it went. The Prequel was born, and so was its first entry.
This Sunday night was the next night when I first met her. She is definitely a catalyst to this, but this entry was not about her.
Can you imagine the feeling of being very high, bearing the thoughts that if these things will happen, you know that this will change your life forever? I can't exactly explain how I felt, but I believe it's close to this. Definitely a BIG change in my life FOREVER.
I was having some coffee while I was doing this. I got to create a simple analogy of my coffee to my life as how I see it then - to cut it short, I was still young (and still am!) and still have more things and dreams and whatever to come in my life.
Right now, I am pretty much sure I still have the same dream. As I would normally say in a game of pool - "IT'S ON!"
Then there it went. The Prequel was born, and so was its first entry.
This Sunday night was the next night when I first met her. She is definitely a catalyst to this, but this entry was not about her.
Can you imagine the feeling of being very high, bearing the thoughts that if these things will happen, you know that this will change your life forever? I can't exactly explain how I felt, but I believe it's close to this. Definitely a BIG change in my life FOREVER.
I was having some coffee while I was doing this. I got to create a simple analogy of my coffee to my life as how I see it then - to cut it short, I was still young (and still am!) and still have more things and dreams and whatever to come in my life.
Right now, I am pretty much sure I still have the same dream. As I would normally say in a game of pool - "IT'S ON!"
20090424
The Prequel
Being in constant awe of her and myself (still bearing the similar feelings for her for the past several years), I read the "PREQUEL" of this blog (that is why this is called The Sequel- and wondering if there will be an epilogue, or this itself is the epilogue). Years are gapping between the two materials, and talk about hardcore reminiscing - I can still remember every moment the story I was writing, and the moments as I was writing each one of them. They are still fresh.
I remember the crucial moment how I started the prequel. [I am now deliberately stripping off some details in the story, as my identity may be threatened by exposure]. I was talking to my sister about something that is absolutely related NEITHER to the prequel NOR to this blog. A jiffy later - adrenaline rush. I started making up some plans, day dreaming and fantasizing, etc. I was like "Wow, my mind is working very well. This must be something really special." Moments later, I came rushing to [deliberately stripped off info] to start off the prequel.
I started off quite slow trying to rearrange my "revitalized thoughts" into words. It was like a kid's room full of new toys that were just brought in; the kid got so excited seeing all those new toys, and ended up trying to organize them. But as I expected to myself, I caught up quickly. Everything was so crystal clear to me, so clear to me that I could taste it. Every word I wrote there was so true, and they all came from my heart.
Everytime I got the chance to update the prequel, I always made sure I seized the moment - meaning I am in the an excellent mood to vent my thoughts away. In that way, I ensured that I posted/wrote very effectively.
[As much as I want to describe the moments the prequel got updated from time to time, I would rather not, as this can give out some clues of my identity]
Updating the prequel was really fulfilling. I get to safely say everything I want to say about her (saying SAFELY, but she actually read a part of it). It was silly but very thrilling that a guy like me is doing something like that. That's how much I felt for her. That's how I got so crazy about her.
As much as it gave me the thrill updating the prequel, re-reading it all over again gave me a really wonderful (but sad) feeling. I am able to recall everything that took place at those times. I am able to reminisce how good or bad I was feeling. I am still able to see and hear very clearly with my imagination what I was seeing and hearing with my eyes and ears.
At one point when I was re-reading the prequel, I started crying.
There are some lines there that solely describes my feelings for her. They were so defined and full of meaning. But c'mon, those are years-old lines! Those should have been long gone! Amazingly, almost all of those lines are still true to date. It's hard to understand how these feelings have fostered by and for themselves over the years. I don't know why my heart is still clinging on the same girl.
I stopped updating the prequel because I got myself into a crossroad. The reason was partly mentioned in my previous entry -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/02/pursuit.html. [Thinking if I should include some of these stripped off info]. As the years have gone by, the feelings might have hampered, but it did not die.
With just these things that I posted/wrote in this blog, you can just imagine how much feelings (if you can call this love) were present when I was with her and when I was doing the prequel, and how this feeling have sustained over the years!
And damn, she only know a little part of this! She doesn't know the latter part of the prequel. She doesn't know about this. She doesn't know that I feel almost the same way for her as before... And I want her to know everything. In time... even if it takes so much sacrifice in my part.
Do you want to imagine how a guy goes crazy for a girl? You can try making your way in reading the prequel. I'd love to share it, but still thinking of a way of doing it wihle protecting my identity.
I remember the crucial moment how I started the prequel. [I am now deliberately stripping off some details in the story, as my identity may be threatened by exposure]. I was talking to my sister about something that is absolutely related NEITHER to the prequel NOR to this blog. A jiffy later - adrenaline rush. I started making up some plans, day dreaming and fantasizing, etc. I was like "Wow, my mind is working very well. This must be something really special." Moments later, I came rushing to [deliberately stripped off info] to start off the prequel.
I started off quite slow trying to rearrange my "revitalized thoughts" into words. It was like a kid's room full of new toys that were just brought in; the kid got so excited seeing all those new toys, and ended up trying to organize them. But as I expected to myself, I caught up quickly. Everything was so crystal clear to me, so clear to me that I could taste it. Every word I wrote there was so true, and they all came from my heart.
Everytime I got the chance to update the prequel, I always made sure I seized the moment - meaning I am in the an excellent mood to vent my thoughts away. In that way, I ensured that I posted/wrote very effectively.
[As much as I want to describe the moments the prequel got updated from time to time, I would rather not, as this can give out some clues of my identity]
Updating the prequel was really fulfilling. I get to safely say everything I want to say about her (saying SAFELY, but she actually read a part of it). It was silly but very thrilling that a guy like me is doing something like that. That's how much I felt for her. That's how I got so crazy about her.
As much as it gave me the thrill updating the prequel, re-reading it all over again gave me a really wonderful (but sad) feeling. I am able to recall everything that took place at those times. I am able to reminisce how good or bad I was feeling. I am still able to see and hear very clearly with my imagination what I was seeing and hearing with my eyes and ears.
At one point when I was re-reading the prequel, I started crying.
There are some lines there that solely describes my feelings for her. They were so defined and full of meaning. But c'mon, those are years-old lines! Those should have been long gone! Amazingly, almost all of those lines are still true to date. It's hard to understand how these feelings have fostered by and for themselves over the years. I don't know why my heart is still clinging on the same girl.
I stopped updating the prequel because I got myself into a crossroad. The reason was partly mentioned in my previous entry -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/02/pursuit.html. [Thinking if I should include some of these stripped off info]. As the years have gone by, the feelings might have hampered, but it did not die.
With just these things that I posted/wrote in this blog, you can just imagine how much feelings (if you can call this love) were present when I was with her and when I was doing the prequel, and how this feeling have sustained over the years!
And damn, she only know a little part of this! She doesn't know the latter part of the prequel. She doesn't know about this. She doesn't know that I feel almost the same way for her as before... And I want her to know everything. In time... even if it takes so much sacrifice in my part.
Do you want to imagine how a guy goes crazy for a girl? You can try making your way in reading the prequel. I'd love to share it, but still thinking of a way of doing it wihle protecting my identity.
20090421
This Card Game
It's already a cliche when we hear someone say "I think of him/her every night" and similar stuff like that. But I think I have moved to the next level in that category.
Yes, I always think of her - from my first waking moment til my last conscious thought. I would always wonder how is she doing in her everyday life and all. But when nightfall comes, I give some time for myself to play this card game before I sleep.
Solitaire. It means patience.
The nightly battles between a 52-card deck and myself. Seems pretty simple but it gets very stressful at times. All you have to do is pile the cards in ascending order per suit, but it really takes a toll on you.
The game's winning percentage is actually low. At one point you thought you had the game, but you then realize you got locked out because the crucial card is faced down behind a stack of cards which you couldn't get. At another point, in an early stage of the game you got immediately locked before you could even say GAME OVER.
Maybe that's why it's called Solitaire. You have to be really patient on this game.
I don't do it just because I like playing it. Every time I shuffle the cards and set it, I'd always wish and say to myself "Please bring me closer you". It's like a desperation move, or something that I can only do when I cannot do anything about it, that if I'd win a game, I'd feel that I am getting myself or giving myself a chance to get closer to her, at least a bit.
But in reality, I just have to be patient in waiting for the things that will come to pass.
Yes, I always think of her - from my first waking moment til my last conscious thought. I would always wonder how is she doing in her everyday life and all. But when nightfall comes, I give some time for myself to play this card game before I sleep.
Solitaire. It means patience.
The nightly battles between a 52-card deck and myself. Seems pretty simple but it gets very stressful at times. All you have to do is pile the cards in ascending order per suit, but it really takes a toll on you.
The game's winning percentage is actually low. At one point you thought you had the game, but you then realize you got locked out because the crucial card is faced down behind a stack of cards which you couldn't get. At another point, in an early stage of the game you got immediately locked before you could even say GAME OVER.
Maybe that's why it's called Solitaire. You have to be really patient on this game.
I don't do it just because I like playing it. Every time I shuffle the cards and set it, I'd always wish and say to myself "Please bring me closer you". It's like a desperation move, or something that I can only do when I cannot do anything about it, that if I'd win a game, I'd feel that I am getting myself or giving myself a chance to get closer to her, at least a bit.
But in reality, I just have to be patient in waiting for the things that will come to pass.
20090417
Untitled
I was sitting in front of my desktop doing some stuff. She was two seats away from me doing her own errands. She was wearing a green dress, and I swear she looked so stunning. She had her eyeglasses off, and I was just easily captivated by her little eyes.
She came and sat beside me and asked me something. I cannot remember what I was saying to her but I could feel her slowly leaning to me. As I intently answering her question and turning my head to her face, she suddenly kissed me.
That kiss gave me the most intense shock of my life. It rendered me so dumbstruck that it took me some moments before I could even speak. I was looking dead straight into her eyes as she looked backed at me with her caring eyes as if she is very determined to take care of me.
"You know, I have been waiting for a long time for that kiss," I nervously said to her.
"Don't worry. We can do more of that soon," she replied followed by a smile as she held my hand.
A few moments later, I found myself lying on my bed. It was just a dream.
How I wish this will come true.
She came and sat beside me and asked me something. I cannot remember what I was saying to her but I could feel her slowly leaning to me. As I intently answering her question and turning my head to her face, she suddenly kissed me.
That kiss gave me the most intense shock of my life. It rendered me so dumbstruck that it took me some moments before I could even speak. I was looking dead straight into her eyes as she looked backed at me with her caring eyes as if she is very determined to take care of me.
"You know, I have been waiting for a long time for that kiss," I nervously said to her.
"Don't worry. We can do more of that soon," she replied followed by a smile as she held my hand.
A few moments later, I found myself lying on my bed. It was just a dream.
How I wish this will come true.
20090309
Time is Ticking
Just recently, I have heard the news from an important person that there's going to be a planned event sometime in the future with her very much involved in it. That's one reason that I can say she is very happy, and me - nothing.
Technically, I should be happy for her. I am actually. I should be feeling alright, as this is going to be a big break for her. But I am nowhere close to that vicinity. The moment I heard the news, I was stunned and speechless. I just sat there and all of our memories kept reeling.
I know very well in my power and knowledge that it is way easier to do nothing and hope the pain goes away in its own accord over time. But I know at the same time, I can be pretty stupid knowing that there is still something that can be done - like the last ditch effort.
Time is ticking - I should at least be able to tell her my feelings for her which has been hidden inside of me for years before I ran out of time. I do not know any good reason why I should be doing this. I never felt that she had waited for me all along, and here I am cooking up a Herculean mission which entails alot of sacrifice (which I will discuss in detail later on), and I am very certain that I will get nothing out of it, but the relief that I have finally "took the big choker out of my heart".
That's the way how I want it to happen - at the personal level, this is going to be between her and me, and NO ONE ELSE will know about it. I wish I could tell her everything personally, and I need to do this as soon as possible.
Time is running out. Think fast.
20090213
The Pursuit?
It was back several years ago when I already had this little plans with little steps to take - pretty much I was feeling good to where I was going. Those plans were actually not much. They are just pointers on how to live a normal life in where I was.
I already knew her then. I already saw her picture. OK. The reason why I know her is actually unusual. She was just there, thinking that she would not be a significant part in my life. I had my life going as planned, and pretty much the same went for her. She equally knew me, and most likely her mind was running the same thoughts.
I knew I was going to meet her. Moments before actually seeing her, I felt like "let's just get this over with so we can have our own lives back." She could not be one amazing girl who could stop me from my tracks.
Then we met. Face to face. From then, everything has changed.
Now, we have our separate lives (or maybe for her, this has been always the case) for several years, she has still been running in my mind. I don't know how to trash my thoughts of her, because they just keep coming back to me, haunting my mind until my last conscious thought.
I already knew her then. I already saw her picture. OK. The reason why I know her is actually unusual. She was just there, thinking that she would not be a significant part in my life. I had my life going as planned, and pretty much the same went for her. She equally knew me, and most likely her mind was running the same thoughts.
I knew I was going to meet her. Moments before actually seeing her, I felt like "let's just get this over with so we can have our own lives back." She could not be one amazing girl who could stop me from my tracks.
Then we met. Face to face. From then, everything has changed.
Now, we have our separate lives (or maybe for her, this has been always the case) for several years, she has still been running in my mind. I don't know how to trash my thoughts of her, because they just keep coming back to me, haunting my mind until my last conscious thought.
I'd always subtly greet her in her birthday - never missed one since the day I met her. But she'd only thank me when there's more than just a greeting. :(
I know she is very happy now. She may be busy with alot of things right now, but I know she is happy. I may not know what her thoughts are, I may now know how she is entirely doing right now, but I know she is happy.
Why did she have to be that amazing? Why DOES she have to be that amazing? We both know we haven't talked for a long time, but what really puzzles me is why is still she in my mind ALL ALONG? Yes, a couple of occassions I grab these chances to give her a little something that she'd always find sweet. But, damn I am yearning to do so much more for her.
Does she still remember our last encounter? Would she remember her actions if (given the chance) I ask her those things? Does she ever reminisce about those times? And if she ever, did she feel positive about it?
I truly miss her. I don't know what this is, but this is definitely VERY strong positive feelings for her that has endured over the years. BUT I can't do anything about it (well not entirely nothing - there's VERY LITTLE hope in this. It's painful, but sometimes it gives me a great feeling. I am not sure - is this supposed to be a pursuit, or am I serving some bad luck?
I know she is very happy now. She may be busy with alot of things right now, but I know she is happy. I may not know what her thoughts are, I may now know how she is entirely doing right now, but I know she is happy.
Why did she have to be that amazing? Why DOES she have to be that amazing? We both know we haven't talked for a long time, but what really puzzles me is why is still she in my mind ALL ALONG? Yes, a couple of occassions I grab these chances to give her a little something that she'd always find sweet. But, damn I am yearning to do so much more for her.
Does she still remember our last encounter? Would she remember her actions if (given the chance) I ask her those things? Does she ever reminisce about those times? And if she ever, did she feel positive about it?
I truly miss her. I don't know what this is, but this is definitely VERY strong positive feelings for her that has endured over the years. BUT I can't do anything about it (well not entirely nothing - there's VERY LITTLE hope in this. It's painful, but sometimes it gives me a great feeling. I am not sure - is this supposed to be a pursuit, or am I serving some bad luck?
Happy Valentines to you.
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