REWIND!!!

First of all, I would like to apologize to all those few people who are following my blog for being horrendously delayed in making my this new entry. It is not because I have absolutely nothing in mind for me to write, but in all honesty, this has been more than a month due (October 22) because that day marks a certain point in my life's history some years back. I have been absolutely upset for not being able to do this entry on that date, because I had been planning to do so. I had been so busy in a lot of errands. And thankfully, now I got the time to do it, and more thankfully, I am in the mood to do this. Here it is. So just try to imagine that this entry was made last October 22, 2009. This is just a short one. Enjoy!
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On this day several years back, that was the first time we met. One of the most unexpected turns in my whole life. I was in the room, hearing that they had finally arrived. I knew nothing special was going to occur. So I got myself ready, just as how I would do it in any normal occasion. I didn't do anything to myself to look hopelessly better, to make myself more presentable, nor to make myself smell even better.

Then there she was - unexpectedly like a ray of sunshine in my sight. As I have mentioned in this blog a lot of times already, she looked so stunning in with her little eyes in those black frames. Now I wonder, how my face looked like at that very moment.

I was never a person to share my thoughts on crushes on pretty girls with my siblings. Perhaps, there'd always be a first. And for this one, that was the first. I was telling my brother and sister that she was damn so pretty, that she'd stand out to be one of the prettiest if she were to study in my university where I was studying (now graduated), and I told them that without hesitation.

I couldn't exactly tell what my siblings were thinking of me when I told them that. But, I didn't care. I know.

I still can vividly remember those special times that we had - whether it had been good or bad. She had a very great power over me, and how I wonder how much she had realized that. I might have been someone to her that half of it wasn't really me. But I do regret that I honestly did not make the most of it.

I really did not have the chance to tell her how much she had lighted up my life for the entire time we were together, and I cannot blame her for equally dimming me out when we parted ways. I can't imagine myself that I really cried so hard because of her - probably the most painful one in my entire life.

I'd always put myself to rewind mode in some ways - reading up the prequel (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/04/prequel.html), walking down the memory lane (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/10/down-on-memory-lane.html), reading our old emails shortly after we parted ways, checking up our pictures together, etc. They give me more than the feeling of nostalgia. And I can't help but think that it has been years already, and these times of the year will always be instruments to remind me of those times.

So guys, if you can remember me very well in the future, pop me at the comings dates of October 22nd.

90561495 vs. The Author

This is an entry trying to put more detail from the previous entry P6: "But she's just too good for me..." -- http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/10/p6-but-shes-just-too-good-for-me.html

This really ain't a "versus" entry as in a competition or something. This entry is just trying to answer why she was (or maybe still is) too good for me. Since this is a directly related to the sixth entry of the prequel, the contents of this blog entry is in relation of the events that had happened so far at the time of posting of the mentioned prequel entry, and to extend a little (for the sake of coherence with the previous entries of this blog, until a little later at that time -- which would be some years ago.

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I said in my previous entry that she was a person of stature for me, and I might have not been seemingly the same for her. I meant that, and I have reasons why.

Firstly, I'd like to make a measure on the absolute scale. Who was I, and who was she? Who are we in relation to our separate societies and cultures we had lived in?

She stood on an average height for a girl, built is average - not fat, but not skinny either. Insanely pretty and cute in my eyes. Absolutely innocent looking (but don't be fooled by her looks). Seemingly simple girl who was pretty much flexible on her clothes. Definitely loves her mummy very much. Speaks in a very distinct [insert non rhotic accent here] that sometimes she says some words in a funny but cute way. Loves to sleep anywhere, anytime. A very good swimmer.

I stand above the average height for guys, but significantly underweight. Average looks for where I had lived. Living a simple life with family and friends. Proud music lover and player. Loves talking to people and making new friends. Avid writer of random things, but leaning more on love issues. Can do quite a number of sports, but not swimming.

As a student, she had been consistent on being recognized as one of the top students of her class academically. To add to that, she had been busy working so hard in extracurricular activities. She had been shaping herself to become a strong and independent woman, to the extent of hearing something like "boys get intimidated by her."

As for me, I pretty much fell on the middle part of the bell curve. I was pretty much went to school just for the sake of graduating. I was honestly more interested in meeting my friends in school, seeing my crushes and trying to make more music than actually studying. Had a fair share of failing grades and very high ones, and everything in between. I was pretty much more interested in connecting to other people. Did try to get involved in some extracurricular activities, but wasn't really into them. Did not really pay much attention until the last part of schooling.

So with these [limited] individual characteristics I have described, what had happened when we did run to each other's faces and collide?

She was like this tough battering ram charging straight to my gut. I did not know how to handle her, as if it was quite necessary. I was caught off guard, and I am very sure she had not been entirely aware of it.

She was getting to know me really better as I was scrambling for air to do the same to her. Yes I did get to know her better, and she must not had been worried a single moment of it. For me, I'd be so much proud of her if I was her father. I thought she was really an amazing girl how I had been seeing her handling herself in front of whoever gets to interact with her. I was pretty much in awe of her.

And as for me who wasn't so proud of myself being in front of her, I don't think I did cause her to awe for me in anyway. And damn, even with my seemingly greatest life weapon, she wouldn't budge to it (which I will put into more detail in another future entry). She said something like this -- "I don't like musicians. They are playboys." So how the heck was I going to impress her? And to add to this hardship, my Dad kept on feeding her embarrassing things about me which I would just wish I could have told these things to her myself.

But no matter how things badly went, I can say I was very lucky that I had experienced her sweet side. She made me feel comfortable almost all the time we were together (at least almost, because at times she did ignore me with me without actually being at least partly aware of it). Even if things were lopsided against me in terms of getting on a higher leverage, if that was utterly necessary for me to say something like that, I still thought it was prudent that I keep my best foot forward at all times.

Certainly, that kept me going on at least a forward pace. One of the notables is that one good thing she saw in me (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/05/that-one-good-thing-she-saw-in-me.html). At least that helps me keep my grin (and probably my sanity too) maybe for a day or two. Probably, the reasons too how she made those memories with me that have been so worthy of reminiscing.

But there came a time when she let most of it out, which made me feel really disappointed equally at her and at myself. At that final night, the stage was set for the most awaited conversation in our lives. At that time, I pretty much learned how to handle myself being with her.

I knew very well in myself that I was a WAY BETTER person than the person I was very sure how she saw me. I already had a lot of sensible things happening in my mind. What was very frustrating is I might have failed to show her even the half of the real me [for the possible reason I am not yet ready to share to this blog -- better hunt me down on MSN if interested]. I almost never seem to find my way to hit my high notes on her when I would usually do normally on other people. And as a girl like her who never had someone to romantically call her own, this might have posed to be important as she was to share to me what he wanted from a potential boyfriend.

She claimed she was smarter than me - that might have been obviously true by just comparing our scholastic histories, but she surely didn't know how way smarter I was than I seemed to her.

She wanted a "great" boyfriend. [removing a bit of bragging details]. But stating the ALMOST seemingly obvious, that made her too good for me.

Ultimately, at that time, I really really really liked her a lot, and she knew about it, but that was it. That was SUPPOSED TO BE IT, and nothing should have moved past that. If she didn't talk about [something about courting her], none of these have honestly mattered. Try hearing something like this from her "Let's see if you can change my mind about musicians". That was definitely a romantic challenge for me, and instantly, I had a confidently comforting feeling (which would going to be crushed in the coming months).

By the time you end reading this, you'd say there are some inconsistencies in here. I know that already, but please do tell me all about it. :)

P6: "But she's just too good for me..."

There was already a huge impact of her to me at that time. She was simply making me happy already. I would always think of her almost all the time - from the moment I wake up until down to my last conscious thought, and would go on again the next day.

I have experienced a number of special new things, and I did experience them with her and because of her. Do you know those times that you were entering a new chapter of your life, and you were doing it with a smiling face and a light heart? Do you remember how it felt?

Experiencing these special firsts in my life with her has made her become so memorable. And as I wrote this entry years back, I only felt so much joy being with her and knowing we still had time to be with each other, eventhough I haven't really known how much that meant to her.

She was a person of stature for me, and I might have not been seemingly the same for her. We have known alot of things about each other, and that enough gave me a reason to feel intimidated to her. But I really did not feel that way. I have not been sure if she meant it, deliberately had done it that way, or that was the way she kept herself with different people, but she simply made me feel totally and entirely comfortable being with her. I might have been one of the luckier guys out there (at that time maybe) who was able to see and experience the sweeter side of her.

I know I already wanted her and needed her around so much, but I know she was too good for a guy like me.

Down on Memory Lane

This was just last Monday night.

I knew at the back of my mind, when I would make that turn on that street, I would be passing that walkway again - that walkway that I used to pass by almost every day or every night after work. That is the walkway that reminds me of some of my moments with her.

Memory lane. That's what I call it.

It has been two years already since I last went through that part of town when I was still walking through there in a regular basis. That place was just in the same district as where I used to work. But in the circumstances given, I was walking through that place again.

Waiting restlessly for the stoplight to go red for the cars, I was already looking at the sidewalk lit by a couple of yellow lamp posts, the same sidewalk that we both used to walk by shoulder to shoulder a few times. Then I found myself crossing the street, partly oblivious of the halted vehicles a few feet away from me, just staring blankly at the lit sidewalk in front of me. Carrying my bag with my shoulders, I tried lifting them up for me to gain some speed.

Just beside that convenience store, I stood in front of the glass door of the place where we used to stay some years ago. I could see the brief passage up to and a part of the lobby from where I was standing. At that same spot, at one time, this is were we dropped from a cab after her suffering a severe tummy
and head ache after eating some food she had not eaten before then, got in the lobby to wait for an elevator,
and sort of stopped by a male receptionist, looking at us as if we were some "hot" couple sticking close to each other. But we got through.

I crossed the street abit away from the place to get to the raised walkway for me to better see the whole thing. I was standing there, resting my arms on the steel ledge, looking at the third floor of the building. It is a parking area. From where I stood, I could actually see most of that area. I was looking at the spot where our car was parked and the elevator doors, and imagining I myself was fixing some stuff while she was standing in front of the elevator waiting for me instead of going ahead with the others. We rode that elevator together, and she said something like "not happy".

From the third floor I counted the windows up to the tenth floor. Looking up high, I saw the window of the room where we used to stay. The room was lit - there was at least a single person in that same room where we had a handful of memories. Those card games... the time I helped her out list the cities she had visited so far... that sneaky morning that I took her picture while she was sleeping... that embarassing night that I munched the "rest" of the food we bought... and that very tough night that I cried outside the room...

So many memories in that place that I have been keeping in my heart, that it made me want to look up the building - the top of the building. But unfortunately, the roof of the walkway where I was standing got in to the way. So I'll just save those memories if EVER I make my way looking or being on that rooftop for another entry. :)

I left the place still wet with the sweat from all the walking I did that night, but all that reminiscing put a smile on my face and made my heart weigh lighter.

*knock on wood again*

This entry is probably a conjuction of the entry *knock on wood* - http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/08/knock-on-wood.html

Prologue: Search Google for these strings to know more media details of this entry: "typhoon ondoy ketsana philippines manila september 26"
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Last Saturday, alot of lives were lost. Properties, crops, homes, and people's lives were destroyed at that fateful day. Thousands of families displaced, children have been missing. At the height of the calamity, some stood brave, some cowered inside their homes. But nonetheless, almost all were humbled by the unusually mighty storm, and we all knew what was going to happen when the aftermath comes - disaster in epic proportions.

I was one of those millions of people who got threatened by the calamity. I am very lucky to be here typing and updating my blog, and I thank God for giving me this chance to continue my life, and for keeping my family and community intact. I also thank Him for saving alot of people with his modern day heroes as His instruments (including an eighteen year old boy who saved more than thirty people, but couldn't save himself - see link below). I just wished they could have saved everybody.

Life is not exclusively about waking everyday, having your meals, going to work or school, being with your loved ones, and everything else that people normally do everyday. It is also not only about the past, how you have lived your life, your achievements, your embarassments, etc. It is also about the future, the direction you are taking, the dreams and especially the missions, whether they are long term or short term.

I am very concerned to those people who has lost their lives - who are going to be the people who will carry on to their missions? Who will continue catching their dreams? I perfectly understand that in most circumstances, it is virtually impossible to carry on a person's mission who just passed away. But that would be really unjust - you were sent here in this world for a purpose, and no one can fulfill that purpose if you died without fulfilling that purpose.

Especially that eighteen year old boy. As a young man, I am very sure he had a lot of dreams to chase. He had his own missions. But at that very moment, he stood still and thought of his fellowmen's lives first before his own. Before his dreams. Before his life mission. He helped more than thirty lives to go on and continue living and chasing dreams, for the cost of his own. Who will continue his legacy?

I thank God and the heavens above for giving me this chance on seeing the calm after the storm, for enduring the calamity and live to tell the tale about it. But most importantly, for helping me continue the mission this blog is all about, along with my dreams. I'd still want to chase my dreams, eventhough they seem unreachable. And I still want to live the day that I look at her face, telling her how much I am feeling for her, even if that would be the last day I'd be living.

Now that there are two incoming typhoons in the country. We better brace ourselves for these, and pray that they will not be as desctructive as the previous one.

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The story about the eighteen year old boy - http://www.theage.com.au/world/philippine-man-loses-own-life-after-saving-30-20090928-g8o4.html

Facets of My Life

I hope it gets interesting for the readers to wonder who I really am in the flesh, especially to those who have followed my blog through the months. If you guys still do follow this, I hope I could personally thank all of you. :)

Have you ever wondered that someone within your world may be living a double life now? Not that I am saying that only a few like me are doing something like this. But there may be people right under our noses who try to sneak in the world with a different...anonymous identity.

In the real world, I wake up everyday, get ready for work and work my ass off in the office. I have my meals with colleagues or alone, do my stuff. On weekends I pretty much hang around with friends or bum in the house. Pretty much a normal guy would do. And it has been a cycle.

In this other facet of my life, I come in as a totally anonymous guy, with a lot of things to say, mainly about this certain girl and my memories of her. I have been trying to sort my thought of her out into blog entries - I'd say most of them are so beautiful because they came straight from my heart. I thought my blog would catch zero attention, but so far, it caught the attention of few but very nice people.

I had been wishing this thing that I have been doing would help me silently scream my heart out to random people, just to ease the pain of having so much feelings for someone very unreachable. So far, I have been loving the feeling that there are people who would take time to read this blog and listen to the stories of a total stranger. In return, I read and listen to what they have to say and give my two cents to them. Cyber friends? I am hoping so.

Relating these two facets of my life, only one person in the world can connect these two - meaning this person and I know the identity of each other, and we just met right here in blogspot. But for the rest of the world, you can wonder that I may be your friend just sitting right beside you while you read this, or I may be your colleague that always seem to be thinking deeply, or your own brother. I may be that random guy you saw drinking with some buddies in a bar nearby. I may be that barista who served you the coffee you ordered last weekend in a small coffee shop. I may be anybody to you who fits the description of a male yuppy.

With this very short entry of mine comes along a very good lesson: People come in different shapes in sizes, but they are not always seem as how they appear, as all of us I believe, have our own burdens whether we choose to keep or to let out to others. If these people share to you their hearts and tell you their stories, listen to them. Don't ever make a crap out of them. You'd never know the true person behind the one who's sharing a part of himself/herself to you.

Again, for those few who still follow my blog, I send you my warmest gratitude.

P5: "Looking forward for tomorrow..."

Deliberately skipping the fourth entry...
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This entry was basically written, in the timeline sense, in parallel to the sixth paragraph of the entry Blurry -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/07/blurry.html. But I will go to more detail in this entry.

Do you guys know the feelings of looking forward to meet your childhood crush, and you know you're going to meet her really soon? You try to imagine and visualise what you two will be doing as soon as you are in each other's presence. That's pretty much how I was feeling before seeing her that time, but she wasn't my cihldhood crush.

Looking forward in seeing her was something I was carrying along in my heart. I would always think of her, imagining her voice in my head. It was crazy I say.

Too bad I couldn't see myself on how my eyes sparkled when I saw her again. I must have been so dazzled and so stunned by her sight. Those little eyes of hers just hit me right to my heart. But no dazzle could stop me from taking an opportunity of having a great day with her. I sat beside her and took a few pictures of us.

We did some stuff, basically playfully embarassing ourselves in front of people. But I didn't mind; I knew she didn't too. We were like two kids walking and enjoying themselves around, without parents to watch over us.

Now, try to imagine the feeling of ending the day and spending it with her, and you may have not done some of the things you visualised earlier, but still you did enjoy it with her. That's pretty much how I was feeling after that day being with her.

After a fun filled day with her, I really felt high. Being with her was so much fun after not seeing her for several days. I really enjoyed that day, and I am sure, she did too. I was so high, I took out the prequel and made this entry.

At the back of my mind, I was already aware of the tight schedule we had. I wished not to waste much time while we still had it. That day ended, with me looking forward for tomorrow.