Til We Meet Again

This has been a post long due from its deadline. Maybe almost two months. Now I have to try to readjust my emotional state to pretty much how it was a couple of months ago, so as quite a lot of things had happened since then.

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So I have decided not to tell her. I just couldn't muster the courage to do so.

Looking several years back on the times we have spent together here in my hometown, it's as if I almost believed that I was not going to see her anymore, or at least for the longest time. Those memories had been so precious to me, that I'd always felt I'd die at the moment reminiscing about those times. They are ultimately irreplaceable.

I know I did expect myself on carrying on my then-mission as soon as I had the chance, as soon as I face her. I would always think that that very moment would serve as a turning point in my life - one point in my life I would always believe I had to face head on. Well, what could I do? For years of not seeing her but constantly thinking of her, I just couldn't get her off of my mind. It had been driving me nuts.

At the very moment that I laid my eyes on her pretty face again, on that very very early morning, memories came back reeling in my head in a very unique fashion that I had never experienced. I could taste my chance, but at the same time trembling inside. I really did not have any idea how to do it.

But definitely, being with her in those days, I was happy. Maybe not the happiest days of my life as compared to our first meet up, but definitely happy. I would think back, trying to get all excited, imagining how would we be the next time we meet, pretty much on that social and emotional condition how we were years ago. Then there it came. A lot of things may have changed from the years, and definitely I had been a complete non-factor in her life. But I'd rather cherish those simple and subtle new moments I got with her.

As those few days come to pass, not seeing her as much as I had expected and honestly wished for (well still seeing her), I began to realize that I should not be doing what I thought I was supposed to do. I just couldn't muster the courage to reverse that, and I just got dumbfounded from within, though I made sure whenever I talked to her, I would sound all smart and confident, just to erase my old stupid shy facade to her. Yeah, at times she would hear me say some witty and well thought stuff. We had short but meaningful conversations.

I am now not that sure if her brother is somewhat in a form of a person to the rescue., but he did listen to me intently. After that night that we had that very serious talk (which made us sleep at 3 in the morning), I would ask myself - did I just do something stupid by telling everything to him? What was my real purpose? I honestly don't know why I turned on him. Maybe I just needed someone whom I could take refuge in in that time I needed someone or something to keep my spirits up. But yeah, on some days, he would encourage me to tell his sister these feelings I had been keeping bottled up inside of me. And it would make me smile, thinking that someone is trying to convince me to do it on a personal level even though it would be utterly misplaced.

Though I already told him everything, I gave him this blog and I left the ACTUAL PREQUEL to him. I handed it to him, and hoping to see it again soon when I feel better about this. I wholeheartedly chose things to go on this way. It's up to him if he would really be interested to read it, or even read this blog (which I honestly don't think he will even take a peek). It's even up to him if he would tell his sister about all of these. I don't know, but as of posting time, I have been growing not to care about it.

We really didn't have a very meaningful goodbye. She just entered the room where I was packing my stuff away. She just said the usual stuff, and shook my hand. I just said goodbye as if I wasn't being torn apart. I was, but I had to control myself. I did control myself. But at that point again, my mind was again thinking about a lot of things. Was I wrong that I let this chance go away? Will I go regretting again in the future? Why didn't I even had the chance to hug her?

So as I was tipsy while I was in the airplane on my way home, I only felt two things - mild dizziness, and missing her again.

Now, a couple of months has passed, I have been growing to focus on what I have back here at home with what I have within reach. She has not been running in my mind like how she used to, but still at times I remember her. I do not miss her like before, but I know she would still lighten me up. I know I can never have her as someone who I want her to be in my life, but I am pretty much convinced that she is and will always be special in my heart, no matter what happens. And I will see her again soon, and hopefully I will not have this burden with me by then. Til we meet again.

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This is my last entry of this blog. I am ending this right here. I dearly thank all of those readers who have been following this blog for the longest time. This has been running for exactly one year and one month, and it ends now. I thank you all for your time in reading and leaving your comments. You have enlightened my soul in the most precious ways ever imagined by this but humble secret lover. I hope and pray you people don't have to experience what I had experienced. God bless us all!