I am not able to continue [for now] the same direction that my blog is making. I have realized that what I am trying to accomplish (which is not really much from her, and so much from myself) is kinda selfish.
NOTE: For a few people that I know [who pays attention to their personal email inboxes], this is a dead give away.
Some nice guys just don't get rewarded on how they deserve to be rewarded. Even on small things or some other things that they are expected to be rewarded. Even on some things that they have been wholeheartedly pursuing.
I've got nothing to lose - so what am I thinking? I am not even expecting to be rewarded or something like that. Even up to this point that I am giving my "unrequited love" (quoting my new friend on her comment about this part of my story), trying to be selfish and all, and STILL I am being selfless.
Selfless. How?
A few weeks ago (a day after I posted my last entry, I think), I got to talk to [someone very important in her life]. Cutting the story short, I realized she is very happy in her life now, and I was worried about how would she react if I confess to her personally. I did not want to shake her up. I did not want her to react badly just because a guy has been secretly keeping his love for her for years already.
Like what I said. I've got nothing to lose - so what am I thinking? My new friend shared to me that it's time for me and it's ok for me to GO SELFISH this time. She is right, and besides, I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. After her saying that, I felt like it's more important for me to vent these hidden feelings out in that right time, rather so selfless and keep this for a longer time. I'd be crazy by then.
I know I am not the perfect man a girl would want to be with as her girlfriend. I know I do not have the looks of a man who would sweep off any girl just by one look. I am a man who would work hard for a girl just to say hi at him. I guess I have been used to that kind of setup, that there are always guys who would do practically nothing to have girls go crazy for them because they are someone that I am not. But I know I am a nice guy, nice enough to deserve some warm attention and warm love from someone that I really love.
But I am in some kind of a love curse. Believe me, I have been serving this curse for a while already.
Well, so GO SELFISH for me. But I am still blown away by my own thoughts of being selfless and unrewarded. I just hope I can recover from this minor setback so I can continue with my pending posts.
20090622
20090602
My Untold Memories - Memories 1 to 4
Here are the memories as promised, in random order. Enjoy!
1. When I first saw her, she was wearing glasses. Well, actually for most of the time, she was wearing glasses. But she did ask me if she looked prettier with or without the glasses on. I am not a hundred percent sure but I think I told her she looked prettier without the glasses.
The truth is: I DON'T CARE. She looks very pretty either way. That's why I cannot really remember the answer I gave her. I have proof - I have lots of pictures here of her with and without her glasses on.
2. At one point when we were in a mall, I bought a card for my mobile phone to have credits. I scratched the covered part with a coin, and used my thumb to sweep the cover away, making most of the cover particles get to my thumb. Boy, my thumb was so "silvery" dirty but I didn't mind. As I was on the phone with the automated operator, I didn't have my attention to her nor to my thumb. My hand was was in an upright position that I looked stupid while walking and listening on the phone. A moment later, she wiped my thumb clean with her own thumb, making her thumb dirty as well.
Talk about sweet? I could have looked at her straight in her eyes because I find that really sweet, but I was shy because her mum was there with us.
I walked on as if nothing happened, but I can remember this very clearly.
3. Hey, I was so depressed - in a matter of hours I would never see her again (at least for that time frame). I didn't want to talk to her. I was having a time for myself trying to sort things out and calming myself down from the events that have occurred the previous night. I was just sitting down on the floor, my back leaning on the bed.
The door opened. It was her (There were already instances that she followed me down, and this was the most miserable one). She sat in front of me, with me no clue of why was she there. Moments later, we were playing the game that we both enjoyed playing for the short time we had been together.
But at that moment, I did not enjoy a single second of it. I don't know with her. If chances does not permit us to stay away for that period of time for just a couple of minutes, why could not we have those last hours as happy ones, even if we try to force it abit?
Nah, too impossible to happen at that time.
4. At first I had already noticed her doing it, but I didn't tell at first. It was not really bothersome. It was cute actually, because SHE was the one doing it (and probably she is still doing it).
Well, I thought maybe I could appear bothered, just enough to have a reason for me to talk to her in at least an "authoritative" way. Here's how would I tell her:
"Hey don't put your hands in your back pockets. It doesn't look very nice."
Then she would take her hands off her pockets, then put them in again a little later. It does not NOT look nice. Actually, I have pictures of her with her hands inside her back pockets. The pictures were taken from behind so you'll actually see her hands inside the pockets. She looked funny, but cute. You can imagine what I mean.
There are more to come! I promise! :)
1. When I first saw her, she was wearing glasses. Well, actually for most of the time, she was wearing glasses. But she did ask me if she looked prettier with or without the glasses on. I am not a hundred percent sure but I think I told her she looked prettier without the glasses.
The truth is: I DON'T CARE. She looks very pretty either way. That's why I cannot really remember the answer I gave her. I have proof - I have lots of pictures here of her with and without her glasses on.
2. At one point when we were in a mall, I bought a card for my mobile phone to have credits. I scratched the covered part with a coin, and used my thumb to sweep the cover away, making most of the cover particles get to my thumb. Boy, my thumb was so "silvery" dirty but I didn't mind. As I was on the phone with the automated operator, I didn't have my attention to her nor to my thumb. My hand was was in an upright position that I looked stupid while walking and listening on the phone. A moment later, she wiped my thumb clean with her own thumb, making her thumb dirty as well.
Talk about sweet? I could have looked at her straight in her eyes because I find that really sweet, but I was shy because her mum was there with us.
I walked on as if nothing happened, but I can remember this very clearly.
3. Hey, I was so depressed - in a matter of hours I would never see her again (at least for that time frame). I didn't want to talk to her. I was having a time for myself trying to sort things out and calming myself down from the events that have occurred the previous night. I was just sitting down on the floor, my back leaning on the bed.
The door opened. It was her (There were already instances that she followed me down, and this was the most miserable one). She sat in front of me, with me no clue of why was she there. Moments later, we were playing the game that we both enjoyed playing for the short time we had been together.
But at that moment, I did not enjoy a single second of it. I don't know with her. If chances does not permit us to stay away for that period of time for just a couple of minutes, why could not we have those last hours as happy ones, even if we try to force it abit?
Nah, too impossible to happen at that time.
4. At first I had already noticed her doing it, but I didn't tell at first. It was not really bothersome. It was cute actually, because SHE was the one doing it (and probably she is still doing it).
Well, I thought maybe I could appear bothered, just enough to have a reason for me to talk to her in at least an "authoritative" way. Here's how would I tell her:
"Hey don't put your hands in your back pockets. It doesn't look very nice."
Then she would take her hands off her pockets, then put them in again a little later. It does not NOT look nice. Actually, I have pictures of her with her hands inside her back pockets. The pictures were taken from behind so you'll actually see her hands inside the pockets. She looked funny, but cute. You can imagine what I mean.
There are more to come! I promise! :)
20090601
My Untold Memories - Prologue
Yes, I have kept alot of our pictures and I can be able to view them anytime. I'd say it really feels good to reminisce. But not only I reminisce with the pictures and with the stories I used to ceaselessly tell my friends - I have these never (some almost) told memories of mine which I kept safe in my heart. And now I cannot keep these to myself, and I have to let these out.
90561495, these are our memories when we were together for that short time. Some were captured by the pictures (but their stories remained untold). You said those things; you heard me say those things. You did these things; you saw me do these. I am very sure if you make your way into reading at least some of these memories, and if you'd remember me well enough, you'd know it's you I am talking about and you'd know who I am amidst of my anonymity (and maybe figure out how to decode '90561495').
Right now I am trying to organize these memories into blog entries. Please keep yourself posted here for updates. I promise you a fun ride on this one.
90561495, these are our memories when we were together for that short time. Some were captured by the pictures (but their stories remained untold). You said those things; you heard me say those things. You did these things; you saw me do these. I am very sure if you make your way into reading at least some of these memories, and if you'd remember me well enough, you'd know it's you I am talking about and you'd know who I am amidst of my anonymity (and maybe figure out how to decode '90561495').
Right now I am trying to organize these memories into blog entries. Please keep yourself posted here for updates. I promise you a fun ride on this one.
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