After several years, I have finally marked it official. I am finally meeting her soon, and I know exactly when, where and around what time. I am making myself ready for that very moment, and everything after that. For whatever happens, I hope everything will be ok.
Just as we parted ways years ago, while my resolve was hanging by a very sharp edge fervently watching out her every message she would send me in very rare occasions, I learned that a few years after that we would meet again. That exactly was not in my control, but of course I looked forward for it. At nights that I would daydream just imagining how things would be on our next "expected" meeting. That went on for quite a long time while I wait for that day.
But things took an unexpected turn. On a bad road. In other words, I wouldn't meet her again. Try to imagine how I felt at that exact moment when I realized that. I know around that time our separate lives have gone separate ways. But nonetheless, I felt that sting in my heart.
Being bound to a promise I made before (not to her), but not saying I was in some kind of a control, I took matters in my own hands. And right at this moment, I am very happy and excited that somehow I have put myself back in that track again, and even more thinking about that it was all my doing that made that possible. I took control, then soon will be taking off.
Well, not really much things needed for me to be done to make this possible. Just have to cut a big part of one's savings depending on your current financial standing, a little bit of patience and time. I think strength of resolve and a big heart are also needed.
Now, I have the same thing to be looked forward again. Maybe in a different setup, but it's the same thing.
Oh boy, am I so ready to meet her again. We've lost a lot of time, and we're about to unfold how much lost time we will get back.
20091218
Hand me the rake!
Finally, the first part of the plan has finally unfolded! Within just a matter of some weeks, I will be seeing her face to face. After several years, our eyes will meet again. Nobody else is excited as I am right now.
I had a very short conversation with her this afternoon. Just via SMS. It's pretty much related to a paragraph in the entry 'The Pursuit?' (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/02/pursuit.html). Pretty much what I wrote there is still true when I am to describe our conversation earlier.
But she just had to make the recognition that it has been years since we last met. Well, she knows that she will soon see me. I myself confirmed it to her, just simply how a person confirms meeting to another person of a colleague or professional level.
Is she wondering how things would unfold from the very first moment we meet again? How does she entirely feel about this? It's not that I am expecting something really grand from her (and because I have a few good reasons why I shouldn't), but how about picking up the slack we left off some years ago, then throw them all away IN THE PROPER PLACE? Or would she realize this 'slack' we both caused (at least to me) or not?
Well, we will just have to wait and find out.
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Just a side note, this blog is nearing its last entry. Once this blog serves its purpose, I will post my last entry.
20091202
P7: "Then I glance..."
If my memory serves me right, this is the first entry that I made wherein she was like a tad away while I was doing this part of the prequel. So let me just describe, as I can remember, how we looked like at that exact moment - I was lying on the sofa doing this stuff while she was on the other sofa reading a book, which I did not try to check out for its title.
Honestly, that seventh entry of the prequel was composed of hell of a lot of non sense. Try to imagine that it was the first time that I wrote some things down about this girl who was making my heart go ga-ga over her and she was just within my line and range of sight. Nothing can make me more disoriented than that! I couldn't hold on to my concentration with that.
I glance, then I write, then I glance again.
Let's try to take this one in another picture. A bigger one, maybe. I hope everyone admits (as I believe a large percentage of our population who would encounter a similar situation would feel this way) that you will be caught off guard whenever your crush or a person whom you highly like in a romantic way just suddenly appears in your sight.
How can you instantly make sense when something like this happens to you? How can you regain your composure in the quickest way possible?
As humans, we may all have different reactions to this. Some may really go crazy out loud; some may seem to appear unaffected. Some may need to put a great deal of concentration on this; some may just ignore it. But we all deal with this, no matter you're a guy or a girl. No matter how our ubiquitous "methodologies" serve us.
If you have followed this blog from the start, I am sure you know this part of my story very well, and just try to imagine me and her at that exact point in time. Just try to imagine how I was feeling at that very moment when I was doing this entry in the prequel. I really love that moment - trying to hide away my feelings for her and the only thing where I can say these feelings out loud was through the prequel.
And with her just nearby while I did that, I could never resist myself from glancing to her. Just wanted to peek how she looked like at that moment while she was reading this book.
Output? Nonsense. And I truly like it.
20091201
Bouncing Up and Down
This is but a very short post.
So, wanna bounce?
20091124
REWIND!!!
First of all, I would like to apologize to all those few people who are following my blog for being horrendously delayed in making my this new entry. It is not because I have absolutely nothing in mind for me to write, but in all honesty, this has been more than a month due (October 22) because that day marks a certain point in my life's history some years back. I have been absolutely upset for not being able to do this entry on that date, because I had been planning to do so. I had been so busy in a lot of errands. And thankfully, now I got the time to do it, and more thankfully, I am in the mood to do this. Here it is. So just try to imagine that this entry was made last October 22, 2009. This is just a short one. Enjoy!
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On this day several years back, that was the first time we met. One of the most unexpected turns in my whole life. I was in the room, hearing that they had finally arrived. I knew nothing special was going to occur. So I got myself ready, just as how I would do it in any normal occasion. I didn't do anything to myself to look hopelessly better, to make myself more presentable, nor to make myself smell even better.
Then there she was - unexpectedly like a ray of sunshine in my sight. As I have mentioned in this blog a lot of times already, she looked so stunning in with her little eyes in those black frames. Now I wonder, how my face looked like at that very moment.
I was never a person to share my thoughts on crushes on pretty girls with my siblings. Perhaps, there'd always be a first. And for this one, that was the first. I was telling my brother and sister that she was damn so pretty, that she'd stand out to be one of the prettiest if she were to study in my university where I was studying (now graduated), and I told them that without hesitation.
I couldn't exactly tell what my siblings were thinking of me when I told them that. But, I didn't care. I know.
I still can vividly remember those special times that we had - whether it had been good or bad. She had a very great power over me, and how I wonder how much she had realized that. I might have been someone to her that half of it wasn't really me. But I do regret that I honestly did not make the most of it.
I really did not have the chance to tell her how much she had lighted up my life for the entire time we were together, and I cannot blame her for equally dimming me out when we parted ways. I can't imagine myself that I really cried so hard because of her - probably the most painful one in my entire life.
I'd always put myself to rewind mode in some ways - reading up the prequel (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/04/prequel.html), walking down the memory lane (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/10/down-on-memory-lane.html), reading our old emails shortly after we parted ways, checking up our pictures together, etc. They give me more than the feeling of nostalgia. And I can't help but think that it has been years already, and these times of the year will always be instruments to remind me of those times.
So guys, if you can remember me very well in the future, pop me at the comings dates of October 22nd.
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On this day several years back, that was the first time we met. One of the most unexpected turns in my whole life. I was in the room, hearing that they had finally arrived. I knew nothing special was going to occur. So I got myself ready, just as how I would do it in any normal occasion. I didn't do anything to myself to look hopelessly better, to make myself more presentable, nor to make myself smell even better.
Then there she was - unexpectedly like a ray of sunshine in my sight. As I have mentioned in this blog a lot of times already, she looked so stunning in with her little eyes in those black frames. Now I wonder, how my face looked like at that very moment.
I was never a person to share my thoughts on crushes on pretty girls with my siblings. Perhaps, there'd always be a first. And for this one, that was the first. I was telling my brother and sister that she was damn so pretty, that she'd stand out to be one of the prettiest if she were to study in my university where I was studying (now graduated), and I told them that without hesitation.
I couldn't exactly tell what my siblings were thinking of me when I told them that. But, I didn't care. I know.
I still can vividly remember those special times that we had - whether it had been good or bad. She had a very great power over me, and how I wonder how much she had realized that. I might have been someone to her that half of it wasn't really me. But I do regret that I honestly did not make the most of it.
I really did not have the chance to tell her how much she had lighted up my life for the entire time we were together, and I cannot blame her for equally dimming me out when we parted ways. I can't imagine myself that I really cried so hard because of her - probably the most painful one in my entire life.
I'd always put myself to rewind mode in some ways - reading up the prequel (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/04/prequel.html), walking down the memory lane (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/10/down-on-memory-lane.html), reading our old emails shortly after we parted ways, checking up our pictures together, etc. They give me more than the feeling of nostalgia. And I can't help but think that it has been years already, and these times of the year will always be instruments to remind me of those times.
So guys, if you can remember me very well in the future, pop me at the comings dates of October 22nd.
20091018
90561495 vs. The Author
This is an entry trying to put more detail from the previous entry P6: "But she's just too good for me..." -- http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/10/p6-but-shes-just-too-good-for-me.html
This really ain't a "versus" entry as in a competition or something. This entry is just trying to answer why she was (or maybe still is) too good for me. Since this is a directly related to the sixth entry of the prequel, the contents of this blog entry is in relation of the events that had happened so far at the time of posting of the mentioned prequel entry, and to extend a little (for the sake of coherence with the previous entries of this blog, until a little later at that time -- which would be some years ago.
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I said in my previous entry that she was a person of stature for me, and I might have not been seemingly the same for her. I meant that, and I have reasons why.
Firstly, I'd like to make a measure on the absolute scale. Who was I, and who was she? Who are we in relation to our separate societies and cultures we had lived in?
She stood on an average height for a girl, built is average - not fat, but not skinny either. Insanely pretty and cute in my eyes. Absolutely innocent looking (but don't be fooled by her looks). Seemingly simple girl who was pretty much flexible on her clothes. Definitely loves her mummy very much. Speaks in a very distinct [insert non rhotic accent here] that sometimes she says some words in a funny but cute way. Loves to sleep anywhere, anytime. A very good swimmer.
I stand above the average height for guys, but significantly underweight. Average looks for where I had lived. Living a simple life with family and friends. Proud music lover and player. Loves talking to people and making new friends. Avid writer of random things, but leaning more on love issues. Can do quite a number of sports, but not swimming.
As a student, she had been consistent on being recognized as one of the top students of her class academically. To add to that, she had been busy working so hard in extracurricular activities. She had been shaping herself to become a strong and independent woman, to the extent of hearing something like "boys get intimidated by her."
As for me, I pretty much fell on the middle part of the bell curve. I was pretty much went to school just for the sake of graduating. I was honestly more interested in meeting my friends in school, seeing my crushes and trying to make more music than actually studying. Had a fair share of failing grades and very high ones, and everything in between. I was pretty much more interested in connecting to other people. Did try to get involved in some extracurricular activities, but wasn't really into them. Did not really pay much attention until the last part of schooling.
So with these [limited] individual characteristics I have described, what had happened when we did run to each other's faces and collide?
She was like this tough battering ram charging straight to my gut. I did not know how to handle her, as if it was quite necessary. I was caught off guard, and I am very sure she had not been entirely aware of it.
She was getting to know me really better as I was scrambling for air to do the same to her. Yes I did get to know her better, and she must not had been worried a single moment of it. For me, I'd be so much proud of her if I was her father. I thought she was really an amazing girl how I had been seeing her handling herself in front of whoever gets to interact with her. I was pretty much in awe of her.
And as for me who wasn't so proud of myself being in front of her, I don't think I did cause her to awe for me in anyway. And damn, even with my seemingly greatest life weapon, she wouldn't budge to it (which I will put into more detail in another future entry). She said something like this -- "I don't like musicians. They are playboys." So how the heck was I going to impress her? And to add to this hardship, my Dad kept on feeding her embarrassing things about me which I would just wish I could have told these things to her myself.
But no matter how things badly went, I can say I was very lucky that I had experienced her sweet side. She made me feel comfortable almost all the time we were together (at least almost, because at times she did ignore me with me without actually being at least partly aware of it). Even if things were lopsided against me in terms of getting on a higher leverage, if that was utterly necessary for me to say something like that, I still thought it was prudent that I keep my best foot forward at all times.
Certainly, that kept me going on at least a forward pace. One of the notables is that one good thing she saw in me (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/05/that-one-good-thing-she-saw-in-me.html). At least that helps me keep my grin (and probably my sanity too) maybe for a day or two. Probably, the reasons too how she made those memories with me that have been so worthy of reminiscing.
But there came a time when she let most of it out, which made me feel really disappointed equally at her and at myself. At that final night, the stage was set for the most awaited conversation in our lives. At that time, I pretty much learned how to handle myself being with her.
I knew very well in myself that I was a WAY BETTER person than the person I was very sure how she saw me. I already had a lot of sensible things happening in my mind. What was very frustrating is I might have failed to show her even the half of the real me [for the possible reason I am not yet ready to share to this blog -- better hunt me down on MSN if interested]. I almost never seem to find my way to hit my high notes on her when I would usually do normally on other people. And as a girl like her who never had someone to romantically call her own, this might have posed to be important as she was to share to me what he wanted from a potential boyfriend.
She claimed she was smarter than me - that might have been obviously true by just comparing our scholastic histories, but she surely didn't know how way smarter I was than I seemed to her.
She wanted a "great" boyfriend. [removing a bit of bragging details]. But stating the ALMOST seemingly obvious, that made her too good for me.
Ultimately, at that time, I really really really liked her a lot, and she knew about it, but that was it. That was SUPPOSED TO BE IT, and nothing should have moved past that. If she didn't talk about [something about courting her], none of these have honestly mattered. Try hearing something like this from her "Let's see if you can change my mind about musicians". That was definitely a romantic challenge for me, and instantly, I had a confidently comforting feeling (which would going to be crushed in the coming months).
By the time you end reading this, you'd say there are some inconsistencies in here. I know that already, but please do tell me all about it. :)
20091015
P6: "But she's just too good for me..."
There was already a huge impact of her to me at that time. She was simply making me happy already. I would always think of her almost all the time - from the moment I wake up until down to my last conscious thought, and would go on again the next day.
I have experienced a number of special new things, and I did experience them with her and because of her. Do you know those times that you were entering a new chapter of your life, and you were doing it with a smiling face and a light heart? Do you remember how it felt?
Experiencing these special firsts in my life with her has made her become so memorable. And as I wrote this entry years back, I only felt so much joy being with her and knowing we still had time to be with each other, eventhough I haven't really known how much that meant to her.
She was a person of stature for me, and I might have not been seemingly the same for her. We have known alot of things about each other, and that enough gave me a reason to feel intimidated to her. But I really did not feel that way. I have not been sure if she meant it, deliberately had done it that way, or that was the way she kept herself with different people, but she simply made me feel totally and entirely comfortable being with her. I might have been one of the luckier guys out there (at that time maybe) who was able to see and experience the sweeter side of her.
I know I already wanted her and needed her around so much, but I know she was too good for a guy like me.
I have experienced a number of special new things, and I did experience them with her and because of her. Do you know those times that you were entering a new chapter of your life, and you were doing it with a smiling face and a light heart? Do you remember how it felt?
Experiencing these special firsts in my life with her has made her become so memorable. And as I wrote this entry years back, I only felt so much joy being with her and knowing we still had time to be with each other, eventhough I haven't really known how much that meant to her.
She was a person of stature for me, and I might have not been seemingly the same for her. We have known alot of things about each other, and that enough gave me a reason to feel intimidated to her. But I really did not feel that way. I have not been sure if she meant it, deliberately had done it that way, or that was the way she kept herself with different people, but she simply made me feel totally and entirely comfortable being with her. I might have been one of the luckier guys out there (at that time maybe) who was able to see and experience the sweeter side of her.
I know I already wanted her and needed her around so much, but I know she was too good for a guy like me.
20091007
Down on Memory Lane
This was just last Monday night.
I knew at the back of my mind, when I would make that turn on that street, I would be passing that walkway again - that walkway that I used to pass by almost every day or every night after work. That is the walkway that reminds me of some of my moments with her.
I knew at the back of my mind, when I would make that turn on that street, I would be passing that walkway again - that walkway that I used to pass by almost every day or every night after work. That is the walkway that reminds me of some of my moments with her.
Memory lane. That's what I call it.
It has been two years already since I last went through that part of town when I was still walking through there in a regular basis. That place was just in the same district as where I used to work. But in the circumstances given, I was walking through that place again.
Waiting restlessly for the stoplight to go red for the cars, I was already looking at the sidewalk lit by a couple of yellow lamp posts, the same sidewalk that we both used to walk by shoulder to shoulder a few times. Then I found myself crossing the street, partly oblivious of the halted vehicles a few feet away from me, just staring blankly at the lit sidewalk in front of me. Carrying my bag with my shoulders, I tried lifting them up for me to gain some speed.
Just beside that convenience store, I stood in front of the glass door of the place where we used to stay some years ago. I could see the brief passage up to and a part of the lobby from where I was standing. At that same spot, at one time, this is were we dropped from a cab after her suffering a severe tummy
and head ache after eating some food she had not eaten before then, got in the lobby to wait for an elevator,
and sort of stopped by a male receptionist, looking at us as if we were some "hot" couple sticking close to each other. But we got through.
and head ache after eating some food she had not eaten before then, got in the lobby to wait for an elevator,
and sort of stopped by a male receptionist, looking at us as if we were some "hot" couple sticking close to each other. But we got through.
I crossed the street abit away from the place to get to the raised walkway for me to better see the whole thing. I was standing there, resting my arms on the steel ledge, looking at the third floor of the building. It is a parking area. From where I stood, I could actually see most of that area. I was looking at the spot where our car was parked and the elevator doors, and imagining I myself was fixing some stuff while she was standing in front of the elevator waiting for me instead of going ahead with the others. We rode that elevator together, and she said something like "not happy".
From the third floor I counted the windows up to the tenth floor. Looking up high, I saw the window of the room where we used to stay. The room was lit - there was at least a single person in that same room where we had a handful of memories. Those card games... the time I helped her out list the cities she had visited so far... that sneaky morning that I took her picture while she was sleeping... that embarassing night that I munched the "rest" of the food we bought... and that very tough night that I cried outside the room...
So many memories in that place that I have been keeping in my heart, that it made me want to look up the building - the top of the building. But unfortunately, the roof of the walkway where I was standing got in to the way. So I'll just save those memories if EVER I make my way looking or being on that rooftop for another entry. :)
I left the place still wet with the sweat from all the walking I did that night, but all that reminiscing put a smile on my face and made my heart weigh lighter.
20090930
*knock on wood again*
This entry is probably a conjuction of the entry *knock on wood* - http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/08/knock-on-wood.html
Prologue: Search Google for these strings to know more media details of this entry: "typhoon ondoy ketsana philippines manila september 26"
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Last Saturday, alot of lives were lost. Properties, crops, homes, and people's lives were destroyed at that fateful day. Thousands of families displaced, children have been missing. At the height of the calamity, some stood brave, some cowered inside their homes. But nonetheless, almost all were humbled by the unusually mighty storm, and we all knew what was going to happen when the aftermath comes - disaster in epic proportions.
I was one of those millions of people who got threatened by the calamity. I am very lucky to be here typing and updating my blog, and I thank God for giving me this chance to continue my life, and for keeping my family and community intact. I also thank Him for saving alot of people with his modern day heroes as His instruments (including an eighteen year old boy who saved more than thirty people, but couldn't save himself - see link below). I just wished they could have saved everybody.
Life is not exclusively about waking everyday, having your meals, going to work or school, being with your loved ones, and everything else that people normally do everyday. It is also not only about the past, how you have lived your life, your achievements, your embarassments, etc. It is also about the future, the direction you are taking, the dreams and especially the missions, whether they are long term or short term.
I am very concerned to those people who has lost their lives - who are going to be the people who will carry on to their missions? Who will continue catching their dreams? I perfectly understand that in most circumstances, it is virtually impossible to carry on a person's mission who just passed away. But that would be really unjust - you were sent here in this world for a purpose, and no one can fulfill that purpose if you died without fulfilling that purpose.
Especially that eighteen year old boy. As a young man, I am very sure he had a lot of dreams to chase. He had his own missions. But at that very moment, he stood still and thought of his fellowmen's lives first before his own. Before his dreams. Before his life mission. He helped more than thirty lives to go on and continue living and chasing dreams, for the cost of his own. Who will continue his legacy?
I thank God and the heavens above for giving me this chance on seeing the calm after the storm, for enduring the calamity and live to tell the tale about it. But most importantly, for helping me continue the mission this blog is all about, along with my dreams. I'd still want to chase my dreams, eventhough they seem unreachable. And I still want to live the day that I look at her face, telling her how much I am feeling for her, even if that would be the last day I'd be living.
Now that there are two incoming typhoons in the country. We better brace ourselves for these, and pray that they will not be as desctructive as the previous one.
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The story about the eighteen year old boy - http://www.theage.com.au/world/philippine-man-loses-own-life-after-saving-30-20090928-g8o4.html
Prologue: Search Google for these strings to know more media details of this entry: "typhoon ondoy ketsana philippines manila september 26"
-----
Last Saturday, alot of lives were lost. Properties, crops, homes, and people's lives were destroyed at that fateful day. Thousands of families displaced, children have been missing. At the height of the calamity, some stood brave, some cowered inside their homes. But nonetheless, almost all were humbled by the unusually mighty storm, and we all knew what was going to happen when the aftermath comes - disaster in epic proportions.
I was one of those millions of people who got threatened by the calamity. I am very lucky to be here typing and updating my blog, and I thank God for giving me this chance to continue my life, and for keeping my family and community intact. I also thank Him for saving alot of people with his modern day heroes as His instruments (including an eighteen year old boy who saved more than thirty people, but couldn't save himself - see link below). I just wished they could have saved everybody.
Life is not exclusively about waking everyday, having your meals, going to work or school, being with your loved ones, and everything else that people normally do everyday. It is also not only about the past, how you have lived your life, your achievements, your embarassments, etc. It is also about the future, the direction you are taking, the dreams and especially the missions, whether they are long term or short term.
I am very concerned to those people who has lost their lives - who are going to be the people who will carry on to their missions? Who will continue catching their dreams? I perfectly understand that in most circumstances, it is virtually impossible to carry on a person's mission who just passed away. But that would be really unjust - you were sent here in this world for a purpose, and no one can fulfill that purpose if you died without fulfilling that purpose.
Especially that eighteen year old boy. As a young man, I am very sure he had a lot of dreams to chase. He had his own missions. But at that very moment, he stood still and thought of his fellowmen's lives first before his own. Before his dreams. Before his life mission. He helped more than thirty lives to go on and continue living and chasing dreams, for the cost of his own. Who will continue his legacy?
I thank God and the heavens above for giving me this chance on seeing the calm after the storm, for enduring the calamity and live to tell the tale about it. But most importantly, for helping me continue the mission this blog is all about, along with my dreams. I'd still want to chase my dreams, eventhough they seem unreachable. And I still want to live the day that I look at her face, telling her how much I am feeling for her, even if that would be the last day I'd be living.
Now that there are two incoming typhoons in the country. We better brace ourselves for these, and pray that they will not be as desctructive as the previous one.
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The story about the eighteen year old boy - http://www.theage.com.au/world/philippine-man-loses-own-life-after-saving-30-20090928-g8o4.html
20090924
Facets of My Life
I hope it gets interesting for the readers to wonder who I really am in the flesh, especially to those who have followed my blog through the months. If you guys still do follow this, I hope I could personally thank all of you. :)
Have you ever wondered that someone within your world may be living a double life now? Not that I am saying that only a few like me are doing something like this. But there may be people right under our noses who try to sneak in the world with a different...anonymous identity.
In the real world, I wake up everyday, get ready for work and work my ass off in the office. I have my meals with colleagues or alone, do my stuff. On weekends I pretty much hang around with friends or bum in the house. Pretty much a normal guy would do. And it has been a cycle.
In this other facet of my life, I come in as a totally anonymous guy, with a lot of things to say, mainly about this certain girl and my memories of her. I have been trying to sort my thought of her out into blog entries - I'd say most of them are so beautiful because they came straight from my heart. I thought my blog would catch zero attention, but so far, it caught the attention of few but very nice people.
I had been wishing this thing that I have been doing would help me silently scream my heart out to random people, just to ease the pain of having so much feelings for someone very unreachable. So far, I have been loving the feeling that there are people who would take time to read this blog and listen to the stories of a total stranger. In return, I read and listen to what they have to say and give my two cents to them. Cyber friends? I am hoping so.
Relating these two facets of my life, only one person in the world can connect these two - meaning this person and I know the identity of each other, and we just met right here in blogspot. But for the rest of the world, you can wonder that I may be your friend just sitting right beside you while you read this, or I may be your colleague that always seem to be thinking deeply, or your own brother. I may be that random guy you saw drinking with some buddies in a bar nearby. I may be that barista who served you the coffee you ordered last weekend in a small coffee shop. I may be anybody to you who fits the description of a male yuppy.
With this very short entry of mine comes along a very good lesson: People come in different shapes in sizes, but they are not always seem as how they appear, as all of us I believe, have our own burdens whether we choose to keep or to let out to others. If these people share to you their hearts and tell you their stories, listen to them. Don't ever make a crap out of them. You'd never know the true person behind the one who's sharing a part of himself/herself to you.
Again, for those few who still follow my blog, I send you my warmest gratitude.
Have you ever wondered that someone within your world may be living a double life now? Not that I am saying that only a few like me are doing something like this. But there may be people right under our noses who try to sneak in the world with a different...anonymous identity.
In the real world, I wake up everyday, get ready for work and work my ass off in the office. I have my meals with colleagues or alone, do my stuff. On weekends I pretty much hang around with friends or bum in the house. Pretty much a normal guy would do. And it has been a cycle.
In this other facet of my life, I come in as a totally anonymous guy, with a lot of things to say, mainly about this certain girl and my memories of her. I have been trying to sort my thought of her out into blog entries - I'd say most of them are so beautiful because they came straight from my heart. I thought my blog would catch zero attention, but so far, it caught the attention of few but very nice people.
I had been wishing this thing that I have been doing would help me silently scream my heart out to random people, just to ease the pain of having so much feelings for someone very unreachable. So far, I have been loving the feeling that there are people who would take time to read this blog and listen to the stories of a total stranger. In return, I read and listen to what they have to say and give my two cents to them. Cyber friends? I am hoping so.
Relating these two facets of my life, only one person in the world can connect these two - meaning this person and I know the identity of each other, and we just met right here in blogspot. But for the rest of the world, you can wonder that I may be your friend just sitting right beside you while you read this, or I may be your colleague that always seem to be thinking deeply, or your own brother. I may be that random guy you saw drinking with some buddies in a bar nearby. I may be that barista who served you the coffee you ordered last weekend in a small coffee shop. I may be anybody to you who fits the description of a male yuppy.
With this very short entry of mine comes along a very good lesson: People come in different shapes in sizes, but they are not always seem as how they appear, as all of us I believe, have our own burdens whether we choose to keep or to let out to others. If these people share to you their hearts and tell you their stories, listen to them. Don't ever make a crap out of them. You'd never know the true person behind the one who's sharing a part of himself/herself to you.
Again, for those few who still follow my blog, I send you my warmest gratitude.
20090910
P5: "Looking forward for tomorrow..."
Deliberately skipping the fourth entry...
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This entry was basically written, in the timeline sense, in parallel to the sixth paragraph of the entry Blurry -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/07/blurry.html. But I will go to more detail in this entry.
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This entry was basically written, in the timeline sense, in parallel to the sixth paragraph of the entry Blurry -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/07/blurry.html. But I will go to more detail in this entry.
Do you guys know the feelings of looking forward to meet your childhood crush, and you know you're going to meet her really soon? You try to imagine and visualise what you two will be doing as soon as you are in each other's presence. That's pretty much how I was feeling before seeing her that time, but she wasn't my cihldhood crush.
Looking forward in seeing her was something I was carrying along in my heart. I would always think of her, imagining her voice in my head. It was crazy I say.
Too bad I couldn't see myself on how my eyes sparkled when I saw her again. I must have been so dazzled and so stunned by her sight. Those little eyes of hers just hit me right to my heart. But no dazzle could stop me from taking an opportunity of having a great day with her. I sat beside her and took a few pictures of us.
We did some stuff, basically playfully embarassing ourselves in front of people. But I didn't mind; I knew she didn't too. We were like two kids walking and enjoying themselves around, without parents to watch over us.
Now, try to imagine the feeling of ending the day and spending it with her, and you may have not done some of the things you visualised earlier, but still you did enjoy it with her. That's pretty much how I was feeling after that day being with her.
After a fun filled day with her, I really felt high. Being with her was so much fun after not seeing her for several days. I really enjoyed that day, and I am sure, she did too. I was so high, I took out the prequel and made this entry.
At the back of my mind, I was already aware of the tight schedule we had. I wished not to waste much time while we still had it. That day ended, with me looking forward for tomorrow.
20090831
Connected Dots Between Christmas Eve and Now
In light of very recent events, even though this was carried out by a very grave event, this has put a smile in my face, and gave me a throbbing heart.
My phone rang. My phone read her name on it.
I immediately answered the phone, and I knew immediately what we were going to talk about (and that's not going to be something that I'd be discussing here).
Her voice was very sweet, just as sweet as how I last heard her voice. I was intently listening to her questions, and I'd say, compared to how I last talked to her, I sounded way more confident than before.
Yeah, I sounded really composed as I was speaking to her. Every word she said I carefully listened to, and every word I said to her was very clear and concise. But deep inside of me, I was trembling with whatever mixed feelings I want to call them. We talked for some good five minutes, and hoped it lasted longer.
We were in constant contact that week. I wish I had a reason to call her too at that time.
It was almost four years ago since I last heard her voice. That was Christmas Eve.
My phone rang. My phone read her name on it.
I immediately answered the phone, and I knew immediately what we were going to talk about (and that's not going to be something that I'd be discussing here).
Her voice was very sweet, just as sweet as how I last heard her voice. I was intently listening to her questions, and I'd say, compared to how I last talked to her, I sounded way more confident than before.
Yeah, I sounded really composed as I was speaking to her. Every word she said I carefully listened to, and every word I said to her was very clear and concise. But deep inside of me, I was trembling with whatever mixed feelings I want to call them. We talked for some good five minutes, and hoped it lasted longer.
We were in constant contact that week. I wish I had a reason to call her too at that time.
It was almost four years ago since I last heard her voice. That was Christmas Eve.
20090828
P3: "She's just a pretty sight for sore eyes..."
I can remember I was feeling abit low at that point. Well, that's because I was so high up in the air and going further apart from her by the second. So I took out the prequel and making its third entry up in the skies.
We did not have a proper farewell the previous night. Sure I felt really bothered but I knew we'd still be seeing each other the following week.
But as I was up going further away, I was missing her. I was thinking of her, anticipating the things that were going to happen the next time we meet after a few days. I was capturing my mental pictures of her and I just sat on my seat while I was at it.
I had this notion that I didn't want to leave my hometown for a long time (like for example -> working or studying in another country). And I am sure, like for most of the people, the reasons for this would be similar. And besides, I already liked and was already contented with the direction that my life was about to take then.
But everything just went upside down.
My above mentioned notion suddenly changed. The reasons just became simple statements. And for only several days, I was (and have been) already looking forward for a few years ahead of me. I knew, at the back of my mind, I might not have admitted it before I wrote this entry, but this turnaround was, maybe not wholly but mostly because of her. I was (and have been) hoping that when that day comes, I'd be ready for it.
As I got home that night, I checked out our pictures so far. She's just a pretty sight for well and sore pair of eyes alike.
We did not have a proper farewell the previous night. Sure I felt really bothered but I knew we'd still be seeing each other the following week.
But as I was up going further away, I was missing her. I was thinking of her, anticipating the things that were going to happen the next time we meet after a few days. I was capturing my mental pictures of her and I just sat on my seat while I was at it.
I had this notion that I didn't want to leave my hometown for a long time (like for example -> working or studying in another country). And I am sure, like for most of the people, the reasons for this would be similar. And besides, I already liked and was already contented with the direction that my life was about to take then.
But everything just went upside down.
My above mentioned notion suddenly changed. The reasons just became simple statements. And for only several days, I was (and have been) already looking forward for a few years ahead of me. I knew, at the back of my mind, I might not have admitted it before I wrote this entry, but this turnaround was, maybe not wholly but mostly because of her. I was (and have been) hoping that when that day comes, I'd be ready for it.
As I got home that night, I checked out our pictures so far. She's just a pretty sight for well and sore pair of eyes alike.
20090819
*knock on wood*
Bold, as I may seem right at this moment, knowing that I have and still able to tell alot of my stories with her. But I have been doing this under an anonymous name. Yeah, different people have read my thoughts and shared their comments, and I really have appreciated them so well, but they do not know my real identity and the girl's identity.
In this blogosphere where I am using this name, no one knows my real identity. No one can know if I pass or go.
I have been painstakingly waiting for that day to come. I still have several months to wait.
But what if I die *knock on wood* before that day comes? How can I ever tell her the truth? How can she know what I really feel for her? Can someone send that message for her when the time comes that I cannot?
So let's hope I do not die before that time.
In this blogosphere where I am using this name, no one knows my real identity. No one can know if I pass or go.
I have been painstakingly waiting for that day to come. I still have several months to wait.
But what if I die *knock on wood* before that day comes? How can I ever tell her the truth? How can she know what I really feel for her? Can someone send that message for her when the time comes that I cannot?
So let's hope I do not die before that time.
20090817
Gambette!
Final entry of three parts
-----
My eyes were drenched with tears of pain and sadness as I got home, and I still was not done crying as I laid myself on the bed, on that same room where we were alone the last time. I cried until I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I felt the worst feeling I had ever felt at that time. I knew I had to adjust because at that point, I was already used to having her around me. I was already used to waking up, knowing she was just a tad away from me. I was already so used to hearing her voice, talking to me. I was so used to wasting my time away being with her.
And at that point, she was already gone. I felt so helpless, trying to blindly reach out for someone who, that I was very much aware, was not physically present.
I was holding on to something that we agreed upon before she left. We'd be communicating via the internet. I knew then and there it was going to be hard sending and reading not more than flat words, behind the computer screen. But that was the only thing I could hold on to. I was thinking of the events that led to me having this chance when least expected.
Yeah, I knew it was going to be hard. But never thought it was going to be seemingly nearly impossible.
We did exchanged mails for the first few weeks. I did send her the pictures we had. I then had my nights with me rushing to my desktop to check for her emails, and to reply to her. We really had things going on these first few weeks.
And while we were at it, I was also writing some really good stuff in the prequel. Everything that I wrote there in that timeframe was really heartfelt.
The prequel was actually divided into two parts, divided by the last entry ever written while we were still together. And it was an entry written, not by me, but by her. The message was short, but for whatever reason, she said "Don't give up."
Don't give up? On what?
It came to a point that she almost never would send me messages. Well she told me the reason - she had been busy in school. I respected her for that. (In general, I really respect anyone's time for family, church, work and school). I said to myself that I would patiently wait for her messages. I still patiently waited even when the time started that she sent me nothing. At nights, I'd force myself to sleep for hours, and cry myself to sleep.
Yeah, I couldn't do anything but I would get really frustrated. I know it seemed so senseless setting my eyes on someone who was far away from me and it was indefinite on when I would be seeing her again.
Trying to find a reason to communicate with her and just to hang on, I tried sending her flowers. And I did, and she was able to get it. I was happy that she did appreciate the flowers.
But after that, everything went blurry again. She would not send a single message again.
Frustration grew larger as I got into a crossroad. I had to decide whether I hopelessly and patiently wait for her or I move on. I tell all of you, at that point, I wanted her so much as I was having a hard time to tell if I already love her or not. But at that same time, I was at the brink of simply giving up.
And, after a number of nights filled with frustration and tears, I did. I did give her up. I did move on. After all, I wasn't really a hundred percent sure if I could get my sorry ass up near her.
And apparently, she seemed to make a move to move on. And I would later on learn that I made a chain of mistakes.
As a year had passed by, I seem all smiles by the way my life was going on. But I knew I would think about her in few occassions. And with these moments, it would still bring a nice smile to my face. Even when I was already convinced that we could never be a couple, I would still wonder what would happen the next time we meet face to face. I still missed her.
At a certain point within that time, some realizations had come to my attention.
If I knew that the professional career that I have can bring me to places, included hers, earlier, I would have definitely pushed myself to wait for her. At least, with that, I would have been holding something really concrete for the future, and that was definitive.
And, honestly not knowing if this is an effect of the former, I started missing her like before again. I started thinking of her like how I used to before. I started wanting her right in my arms again. I would always think of her every night. And to amplify these feelings (alongside with the pain I had to endure), I started looking at our pictures from time to time. Nothing beats hardcore reminiscing like this. Everything started to feel really fresh, as if those moments just passed.
At that same time frame, she was then able to occassionally send me emails, which all of them I read intently and done something as said in the email. One of those mails had like a "crush calculator" or something like that, that I had to put my crush's name then the site would say if we would be compatible or not. I was really thinking of putting her name on it, but not really knowing what had happened, I put a name of another girl. Not knowing it was just a trick to spill your crush to the sender, I immediately sent her an email telling her that she tricked me while laughing at it. But deep inside of me, I felt stupid that I should have typed in her name. What should have been a great way to tell her I still like her.
A few years have passed while I have been carrying all of these realizations without telling anyone, because I knew this was very senseless and unguided. Then I came to point that I felt that if I will not find a way to let all of these out of my chest, I will go crazy. Late last year, I had put up a plan that would help me get all of these out, and for a few months I mustered the courage to actually do it and set the direction that I would be taking.
And finally, this year's Valentine's day, I started it - putting up a blog and writing behind an anonymous name.
At this point, how I am feeling for her right now is pretty much the same as how I described it above. I think I have expressed that clearly (over vague stories) in this blog for the past months. And so, some people may ask: what is my objective? What do I want to happen?
Simple. I want to fly fifteen hundred miles to her place because I want to tell her the truth in person, and I want her to hear them all in person. Nothing more, nothing less. She can ignore me for the rest of her life after that.
Senseless, right. I wish I am joking for all of this crap, but I am not. On this simple plan that I made, I don't want to give up. I already gave up on her once.
Then another day passes. Waiting for that dreadful day to come.
-----
My eyes were drenched with tears of pain and sadness as I got home, and I still was not done crying as I laid myself on the bed, on that same room where we were alone the last time. I cried until I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I felt the worst feeling I had ever felt at that time. I knew I had to adjust because at that point, I was already used to having her around me. I was already used to waking up, knowing she was just a tad away from me. I was already so used to hearing her voice, talking to me. I was so used to wasting my time away being with her.
And at that point, she was already gone. I felt so helpless, trying to blindly reach out for someone who, that I was very much aware, was not physically present.
I was holding on to something that we agreed upon before she left. We'd be communicating via the internet. I knew then and there it was going to be hard sending and reading not more than flat words, behind the computer screen. But that was the only thing I could hold on to. I was thinking of the events that led to me having this chance when least expected.
Yeah, I knew it was going to be hard. But never thought it was going to be seemingly nearly impossible.
We did exchanged mails for the first few weeks. I did send her the pictures we had. I then had my nights with me rushing to my desktop to check for her emails, and to reply to her. We really had things going on these first few weeks.
And while we were at it, I was also writing some really good stuff in the prequel. Everything that I wrote there in that timeframe was really heartfelt.
The prequel was actually divided into two parts, divided by the last entry ever written while we were still together. And it was an entry written, not by me, but by her. The message was short, but for whatever reason, she said "Don't give up."
Don't give up? On what?
It came to a point that she almost never would send me messages. Well she told me the reason - she had been busy in school. I respected her for that. (In general, I really respect anyone's time for family, church, work and school). I said to myself that I would patiently wait for her messages. I still patiently waited even when the time started that she sent me nothing. At nights, I'd force myself to sleep for hours, and cry myself to sleep.
Yeah, I couldn't do anything but I would get really frustrated. I know it seemed so senseless setting my eyes on someone who was far away from me and it was indefinite on when I would be seeing her again.
Trying to find a reason to communicate with her and just to hang on, I tried sending her flowers. And I did, and she was able to get it. I was happy that she did appreciate the flowers.
But after that, everything went blurry again. She would not send a single message again.
Frustration grew larger as I got into a crossroad. I had to decide whether I hopelessly and patiently wait for her or I move on. I tell all of you, at that point, I wanted her so much as I was having a hard time to tell if I already love her or not. But at that same time, I was at the brink of simply giving up.
And, after a number of nights filled with frustration and tears, I did. I did give her up. I did move on. After all, I wasn't really a hundred percent sure if I could get my sorry ass up near her.
And apparently, she seemed to make a move to move on. And I would later on learn that I made a chain of mistakes.
As a year had passed by, I seem all smiles by the way my life was going on. But I knew I would think about her in few occassions. And with these moments, it would still bring a nice smile to my face. Even when I was already convinced that we could never be a couple, I would still wonder what would happen the next time we meet face to face. I still missed her.
At a certain point within that time, some realizations had come to my attention.
If I knew that the professional career that I have can bring me to places, included hers, earlier, I would have definitely pushed myself to wait for her. At least, with that, I would have been holding something really concrete for the future, and that was definitive.
And, honestly not knowing if this is an effect of the former, I started missing her like before again. I started thinking of her like how I used to before. I started wanting her right in my arms again. I would always think of her every night. And to amplify these feelings (alongside with the pain I had to endure), I started looking at our pictures from time to time. Nothing beats hardcore reminiscing like this. Everything started to feel really fresh, as if those moments just passed.
At that same time frame, she was then able to occassionally send me emails, which all of them I read intently and done something as said in the email. One of those mails had like a "crush calculator" or something like that, that I had to put my crush's name then the site would say if we would be compatible or not. I was really thinking of putting her name on it, but not really knowing what had happened, I put a name of another girl. Not knowing it was just a trick to spill your crush to the sender, I immediately sent her an email telling her that she tricked me while laughing at it. But deep inside of me, I felt stupid that I should have typed in her name. What should have been a great way to tell her I still like her.
A few years have passed while I have been carrying all of these realizations without telling anyone, because I knew this was very senseless and unguided. Then I came to point that I felt that if I will not find a way to let all of these out of my chest, I will go crazy. Late last year, I had put up a plan that would help me get all of these out, and for a few months I mustered the courage to actually do it and set the direction that I would be taking.
And finally, this year's Valentine's day, I started it - putting up a blog and writing behind an anonymous name.
At this point, how I am feeling for her right now is pretty much the same as how I described it above. I think I have expressed that clearly (over vague stories) in this blog for the past months. And so, some people may ask: what is my objective? What do I want to happen?
Simple. I want to fly fifteen hundred miles to her place because I want to tell her the truth in person, and I want her to hear them all in person. Nothing more, nothing less. She can ignore me for the rest of her life after that.
Senseless, right. I wish I am joking for all of this crap, but I am not. On this simple plan that I made, I don't want to give up. I already gave up on her once.
Then another day passes. Waiting for that dreadful day to come.
20090722
Blurry
Second entry of three parts
------
I came home with a smile on my face - the kind of smile that you just couldn't take away. I knew I was missing her already, but I knew within a few days I would be seeing her again.
That was what I got - a few days. A few days for me to prepare just a bit. But I was really clueless on what was supposed to happen, so I really did not know how and which to prepare. But I still tried.
Also at this same time, I was already making a long term plan which is not directly affecting her, but STILL may affect her (and this plan is still ON to date). Well this shall take alot of sacrifices in my part, but I have yet to see what will happen. I know I may seem trying to omit some major details here. Hmmm, I have just been preparing myself to make way to work fifteen hundred miles away from home just to get near to her.
Anyway, I was in my room, writing something on the "prequel", as I would always do. I had been thinking of her since we parted ways just that other night, and I had been planting anticipation for the next few days.
"It will be payback." That's what I had put in the prequel. And I was waiting for the payback.
Then they had arrived here. I was already aware and set my mind to keep myself composed because we only had a limited time. On the dinner we had on that same night, I can remember I was already trying to get closer to her then and there. I sat beside her, asked for another picture of us, and I was really trying to talk to her more than an almost no effort from me a week before.
She looked unbiasedly prettier and more blooming than how I first saw her, as if she was really poised to have a blast in this vacation. And yes she was - pulling me to anything she is interesting in seeing or doing. The first night was especially memorable for the both of us. We have done a couple of things that we both have done for the first time in our lives - we looked so amusingly stupid doing them.
Comparing this part of the vacation to the first one, I could already say that this was turning into a more interesting one, and I was very happy with it. We were all to stay in one room, so basically we would stick to each other from waking time to sleeping time, until they leave the place. That was high quality bonding time, I'd say.
Because of that, we had been especially closer throughout the duration of the vacation. We would go out as if we were going out on a date. At times, she would just pull my arm, hit me, stuck really close to me, and just talk. At this time, I already knew more than enough about her - enough for me to create a really long story about her. One of the notables she told me about herself is she hates musicians. And to everybody's note, I am a hardcore musician.
And as for her, she definitely knew me way better than before. We both had our own chances of telling each other our lives' stories and listening to them intently. Well, it's not really hard to tell her stories because I felt that she was always listening and at times, she'd let me know how'd she felt about some of my stories.
We had days that we just laughed and slept and abit all silly. We also had days that we weren't "the usual lively duo" (in which she actually had a reason why we had these days). We had a lot of pictures (which I am still keeping) which went along the way. I could say that I was really lucky because I was able to see, feel and experience her sweeter side.
But overall so far, we were having a great time being together. We both had experienced something new with each other's presence. I was really getting all so used being with her and walking side by side with her. I was wishing it wouldn't end.
As interesting as things was turning out to be, the next events that had occurred would really raise some eyebrows (and again, telling some of the details can be scary for me).
I was aware that the whole vacation was about to come to close and I knew in myself that in a matter of a single night's sleep, we would never see each other again for the longest time. You can just imagine how depressed I was feeling, how heavy my heart was getting.
I was having a moment on my own that night, just trying to relax and to figure out what I'd be trying to do before they leave. I honestly admit that I didn't have any plans on pursuing her or so (but still, my plans for my career that I have mentioned above was still on) because everything was so fresh and I didn't exactly know if she really had feelings for me. I was actually pessimistic about things.
Then there she came. She came to me. She was wearing this bright pink shirt and her newly bought blue skirt, with her little eyes in between those black frames as she walked towards me, and sat beside me. Our colors somewhat blended as I was wearing pink too. I can still remember that my heart was trembling inside because I could feel then and there that we were going to have an important talk.
She directly asked me if I liked her, with some curiosity and concern from her eyes. Yeah, I was aware of the self-statement I made earlier that I had no plans of pursuing her. But, with my whole heart and sincerity, I admitted to her that I did like her at that moment. She only liked me halfway, she admitted, but I didn't really know how she meant by liking me halfway.
She pointed out some stuff about courting her, which really dismayed me. I strongly pointed myself out by telling her that liking a girl doesn't necessary mean I will court that girl right away. I really did not want to. And besides, I was not ready for a new relationship and I could sense that she was not ready for her first one. Our conversation ended peacefully, but might have left some confusion and concern between us.
Later that night, she told me she was not happy, and told me we should talk again.
So, in a different venue, we did. While our second conversation was running, I was learning her other side. I was knowing her alot better, and she was doing the same for me. It was really a heartfelt talk because we were alone and we didn't have to think of other things but us.
We had come to an agreement that after that vacation we'd be in contact by email. Like what I have just mentioned above, she hated musicians. So then and there, she told me that she knew that I am a musician, but "Let's see if you can change my mind." I will never forget that she told me that. So what now? Was I already courting her or not?
That night ended with me crying the night out, and with her, I didn't really know.
I was very well aware that there were instances that she'd look for me, wait for me, follow me, or just plain getting near me. That next morning, it was the last time that she really went looking for me when I was a moment of my own. There she was again, wearing a white shirt, totally looking like a kid. I didn't expect her to show herself up, but she did.
Her face was showing concern, because I knew her well enough that she would show concern to a seemingly depressed person. Well, we talked again, but at that time, I was not really paying attention to her. I was in the verge of breaking down right there in front of her, knowing that I won't be seeing her for a long time.
Then there it finally came. The moment that I had been wishing not to come. We were around twenty meters apart, waving at each other. That's how I last saw her - she was standing afar waving at me, all blurry with all the tears just flowing out of my eyes.
I broke down. Really badly. I was enduring the greatest pain in my heart.
(to be continued...)
------
I came home with a smile on my face - the kind of smile that you just couldn't take away. I knew I was missing her already, but I knew within a few days I would be seeing her again.
That was what I got - a few days. A few days for me to prepare just a bit. But I was really clueless on what was supposed to happen, so I really did not know how and which to prepare. But I still tried.
Also at this same time, I was already making a long term plan which is not directly affecting her, but STILL may affect her (and this plan is still ON to date). Well this shall take alot of sacrifices in my part, but I have yet to see what will happen. I know I may seem trying to omit some major details here. Hmmm, I have just been preparing myself to make way to work fifteen hundred miles away from home just to get near to her.
Anyway, I was in my room, writing something on the "prequel", as I would always do. I had been thinking of her since we parted ways just that other night, and I had been planting anticipation for the next few days.
"It will be payback." That's what I had put in the prequel. And I was waiting for the payback.
Then they had arrived here. I was already aware and set my mind to keep myself composed because we only had a limited time. On the dinner we had on that same night, I can remember I was already trying to get closer to her then and there. I sat beside her, asked for another picture of us, and I was really trying to talk to her more than an almost no effort from me a week before.
She looked unbiasedly prettier and more blooming than how I first saw her, as if she was really poised to have a blast in this vacation. And yes she was - pulling me to anything she is interesting in seeing or doing. The first night was especially memorable for the both of us. We have done a couple of things that we both have done for the first time in our lives - we looked so amusingly stupid doing them.
Comparing this part of the vacation to the first one, I could already say that this was turning into a more interesting one, and I was very happy with it. We were all to stay in one room, so basically we would stick to each other from waking time to sleeping time, until they leave the place. That was high quality bonding time, I'd say.
Because of that, we had been especially closer throughout the duration of the vacation. We would go out as if we were going out on a date. At times, she would just pull my arm, hit me, stuck really close to me, and just talk. At this time, I already knew more than enough about her - enough for me to create a really long story about her. One of the notables she told me about herself is she hates musicians. And to everybody's note, I am a hardcore musician.
And as for her, she definitely knew me way better than before. We both had our own chances of telling each other our lives' stories and listening to them intently. Well, it's not really hard to tell her stories because I felt that she was always listening and at times, she'd let me know how'd she felt about some of my stories.
We had days that we just laughed and slept and abit all silly. We also had days that we weren't "the usual lively duo" (in which she actually had a reason why we had these days). We had a lot of pictures (which I am still keeping) which went along the way. I could say that I was really lucky because I was able to see, feel and experience her sweeter side.
But overall so far, we were having a great time being together. We both had experienced something new with each other's presence. I was really getting all so used being with her and walking side by side with her. I was wishing it wouldn't end.
As interesting as things was turning out to be, the next events that had occurred would really raise some eyebrows (and again, telling some of the details can be scary for me).
I was aware that the whole vacation was about to come to close and I knew in myself that in a matter of a single night's sleep, we would never see each other again for the longest time. You can just imagine how depressed I was feeling, how heavy my heart was getting.
I was having a moment on my own that night, just trying to relax and to figure out what I'd be trying to do before they leave. I honestly admit that I didn't have any plans on pursuing her or so (but still, my plans for my career that I have mentioned above was still on) because everything was so fresh and I didn't exactly know if she really had feelings for me. I was actually pessimistic about things.
Then there she came. She came to me. She was wearing this bright pink shirt and her newly bought blue skirt, with her little eyes in between those black frames as she walked towards me, and sat beside me. Our colors somewhat blended as I was wearing pink too. I can still remember that my heart was trembling inside because I could feel then and there that we were going to have an important talk.
She directly asked me if I liked her, with some curiosity and concern from her eyes. Yeah, I was aware of the self-statement I made earlier that I had no plans of pursuing her. But, with my whole heart and sincerity, I admitted to her that I did like her at that moment. She only liked me halfway, she admitted, but I didn't really know how she meant by liking me halfway.
She pointed out some stuff about courting her, which really dismayed me. I strongly pointed myself out by telling her that liking a girl doesn't necessary mean I will court that girl right away. I really did not want to. And besides, I was not ready for a new relationship and I could sense that she was not ready for her first one. Our conversation ended peacefully, but might have left some confusion and concern between us.
Later that night, she told me she was not happy, and told me we should talk again.
So, in a different venue, we did. While our second conversation was running, I was learning her other side. I was knowing her alot better, and she was doing the same for me. It was really a heartfelt talk because we were alone and we didn't have to think of other things but us.
We had come to an agreement that after that vacation we'd be in contact by email. Like what I have just mentioned above, she hated musicians. So then and there, she told me that she knew that I am a musician, but "Let's see if you can change my mind." I will never forget that she told me that. So what now? Was I already courting her or not?
That night ended with me crying the night out, and with her, I didn't really know.
I was very well aware that there were instances that she'd look for me, wait for me, follow me, or just plain getting near me. That next morning, it was the last time that she really went looking for me when I was a moment of my own. There she was again, wearing a white shirt, totally looking like a kid. I didn't expect her to show herself up, but she did.
Her face was showing concern, because I knew her well enough that she would show concern to a seemingly depressed person. Well, we talked again, but at that time, I was not really paying attention to her. I was in the verge of breaking down right there in front of her, knowing that I won't be seeing her for a long time.
Then there it finally came. The moment that I had been wishing not to come. We were around twenty meters apart, waving at each other. That's how I last saw her - she was standing afar waving at me, all blurry with all the tears just flowing out of my eyes.
I broke down. Really badly. I was enduring the greatest pain in my heart.
(to be continued...)
20090721
How I Laid My Eyes On Her
Thank you for the people who had taken their time in reading my but humble blog. I'd say this is a really long blog that one has to take reasonable just to finish my entries to date. I really thank all of you, from the bottom of my empty heart.
This is the first entry of three parts. The contents of these entries is a request of an anonymous person who have read this blog (you can actually see our conversation in the comments page in the previous entry). I hope you guys enjoy this. I thank all of you again.
-----
I am sitting in my chair here in my desk, silently doing my stuff here trying to look all busy so as the others wouldn't bug me silly. Yea really, at times you just won't hear me talking as if I was just getting by to wait the day to finish.
But inside of me, I am raging on mute, and no one can hear it.
My personal life is like a blur of what is really running in my mind. I have so many thoughts that has been going through, and they aren't so pretty. They're pretty mixed up - so unorganized, but they mean a direction to me.
I have been dying to actually take that direction. I have been wanting to get out this crammed up world I am living in. I have been waiting for the perfect opportunity for me to break free of this system that has been getting very old and tedious.
I could have already done this before but I'd say alot of things got in the way - some are controlled, some are not. I'd love to tell the whole story here, but I am really afraid that my identity may get compromised. I will just share the first half of it (and I think in this whole blog, this is the first entry that may share a big bulk of story, and I may still omit some definitive details without question - but still, this is really scary for me).
If you have read the entry 'The Pursuit?', more or less you will "vaguely familiar" with the first part. But I will try to expand it if I can.
Almost a decade ago, I already knew her existence. The reason? It's quite uncommon...well rarely uncommon that it would be too obvious that I'd get compromised. I never met her that time, but I already know her name; I already know what she had been doing. I already know some of her accomplishments, and I might already have some clues of what she was really capable of doing. I already knew how her face looked like.
For about the same time, I don't know how much thought she had put in me. But I didn't. I just knew her existence, but I was living my own life in where I have been living. And for her? She might already have known how I looked, might already have known what I had been doing. She might already have known the different embarassments I have done (that she would later be learning about). But this I am sure, she already knew I existed, and she already knew my name.
And yet we have been fifteen hundred miles apart. How was this possible? Yea, I know it's strange. But we all know how the internet is making the world alot smaller. So I'd like to skip those details.
Several years later, I was already aware that we were about to meet. But having so little interest in her, I just told myself "Let's just get this over with so we can have our own lives back." I did not feel the need and urgency to make self preparations for our meeting.
And yet, I would later discover that I was all wrong.
She looked so vibrant and bubbly with her black framed eyeglasses and dangling earrings that made her look way behind her real age. She wasn't the same girl I saw in the picture several years ago. And honestly, I was instantly dumbstruck while she was all composed meeting all of us.
This is the first entry of three parts. The contents of these entries is a request of an anonymous person who have read this blog (you can actually see our conversation in the comments page in the previous entry). I hope you guys enjoy this. I thank all of you again.
-----
I am sitting in my chair here in my desk, silently doing my stuff here trying to look all busy so as the others wouldn't bug me silly. Yea really, at times you just won't hear me talking as if I was just getting by to wait the day to finish.
But inside of me, I am raging on mute, and no one can hear it.
My personal life is like a blur of what is really running in my mind. I have so many thoughts that has been going through, and they aren't so pretty. They're pretty mixed up - so unorganized, but they mean a direction to me.
I have been dying to actually take that direction. I have been wanting to get out this crammed up world I am living in. I have been waiting for the perfect opportunity for me to break free of this system that has been getting very old and tedious.
I could have already done this before but I'd say alot of things got in the way - some are controlled, some are not. I'd love to tell the whole story here, but I am really afraid that my identity may get compromised. I will just share the first half of it (and I think in this whole blog, this is the first entry that may share a big bulk of story, and I may still omit some definitive details without question - but still, this is really scary for me).
If you have read the entry 'The Pursuit?', more or less you will "vaguely familiar" with the first part. But I will try to expand it if I can.
Almost a decade ago, I already knew her existence. The reason? It's quite uncommon...well rarely uncommon that it would be too obvious that I'd get compromised. I never met her that time, but I already know her name; I already know what she had been doing. I already know some of her accomplishments, and I might already have some clues of what she was really capable of doing. I already knew how her face looked like.
For about the same time, I don't know how much thought she had put in me. But I didn't. I just knew her existence, but I was living my own life in where I have been living. And for her? She might already have known how I looked, might already have known what I had been doing. She might already have known the different embarassments I have done (that she would later be learning about). But this I am sure, she already knew I existed, and she already knew my name.
And yet we have been fifteen hundred miles apart. How was this possible? Yea, I know it's strange. But we all know how the internet is making the world alot smaller. So I'd like to skip those details.
Several years later, I was already aware that we were about to meet. But having so little interest in her, I just told myself "Let's just get this over with so we can have our own lives back." I did not feel the need and urgency to make self preparations for our meeting.
And yet, I would later discover that I was all wrong.
She looked so vibrant and bubbly with her black framed eyeglasses and dangling earrings that made her look way behind her real age. She wasn't the same girl I saw in the picture several years ago. And honestly, I was instantly dumbstruck while she was all composed meeting all of us.
Basically, I have learned that we are to spend time together for a couple of weeks - half of it in their place, half in ours. I decided to try everything to spend time with her with much quality. But how? I wasn't prepared.
Just the second day, I knew I already liked her alot. It was not just because she was insanely pretty in my pair of eyes, but also she appeared to be so exciting to be with, as she seemed so independent eventhough she looked so innocent. And little I did know, there was so much more in her that I would be seeing that would make go head over heels for her.
She would always look so simple. As a student, she seemed to be so used to carry alot of things with her two arms and her back. And never fails to wear her pretty smile. She always had something to talk about, whether she was talking to me or not. I'd rather kept almost quiet when talking to her.
I was so glad and relieved when we had our picture together. We were both wearing blue shirts. It was like I had reached a certain pinnacle of my life. Well, I didn't realize we would be having way alot of pictures as the vacation would progress.
Nothing can really describe how I laid my eyes on her, and I even got lost in her eyes a couple of times. Yes, at that time I already like her so much, and I was already worried on how would I be feeling when this vacation reaches the end. I was feeling so passionate but anxious. I was feeling all so hesitant inside. I really wanted her around.
So there, the first part of the vacation came to a close. We just parted ways for the first time, but it was like as if nothing happened, but inside of me I was already raging on mute. I was missing her.
But I had something to look forward into. I was waiting.
(to be continued...)
20090703
My Untold Memories - Memories 7 to 9
7. We were still just spending some good times for a few days but we haven't got a single picture. I was already worried that maybe for that limited time we'd be spending together, I wouldn't get that picture.
That seemed like the almost-perfect time for that first picture. We wore the same shirt color and we were quite alone in where we were. Then I was feeling the guts over the feeling of being shy.
It was a simple request, but how the hell do I ask her. I was holding my brother's cam.
"Hey, is it okay if I take picture with you?"
Or something like that [I admit, at that time I couldn't complete a whole sentence without shaking when talking to her]. And we had our first picture. Man, she looked so pretty.
Do you guys remember that very special feeling? Maybe for those pretty girls out there, it'd be nothing, but for guys, HEART POUNDING! The moment you ask this very pretty girl who is just melting your heart while she simply stands in front of you to fake a smile, stand beside you for a couple of seconds, and just wait for the camera to click. That's already hard. And you hear her saying yes? That's a HUGE relief and alot of excitement. And the actual moment you stand beside her, and feeling abit of skin that you wouldn't know if you should press on or hold a little bit back while you position the cam and trying to look all composed?!
And finally, you finally get the picture that you've been waiting for. It's like THE PICTURE OF YOUR LIFETIME. More relief that you finally get it, and more excitement because you just can't wait to show that to your friends.
That's pretty much me at that moment.
Then more pictures followed. Please read on to moment #8.
8. Then those pictures followed. I must say, I was getting quite used to having pictures with her, no matter who is taking those. I would still feel amazingly frozen every time our bodies get really near to each other when we pose for a click, but I made sure from then that we good pictures.
Yea, we piled up quite a number of pictures. One of them was even given a title (not by me):
"[90561495] with a [adjective #1] [Adjective #2] guy" <--- go figure
That was like the "legendary picture". The picture of all pictures. I think we wore our best smiles in the whole trip and got really lucky enough to be able to put them in a single picture (Oh man you should see her very pretty smile in this picture!). And not just only that, we really looked sweet in that picture that her shoulder was over mine as if my arm could wrap her around or I could put my hand on her other shoulder (too bad I was a wimp!). We wore shirts with colors opposite in the color wheel, and the combination looks strikingly beautiful over a background of old with grays and greens. Some candid pictures capturing some good laughs or funny things.
One of the notable ones is when we got to ride a [something like a rickshaw in China, but instead of a human being, you get an animal as your engine]. The "rickshaw" was really unstable and we got quite off balanced and laughed it all off. Got it on film. Another from the candid pictures was tagged by a friend - "Hey, what are you doing with my bag?". We honestly didn't know that this was coming because we were way behind everyone else while we walk uphill together (but the picture was really upclose). Minding our own businesses while walking, she was looking the plants and flowers at the roadside (I think), while I was messing with her little bag (which I actually bought for her). Got that on film as well.
More from the candid pictures. At one day, we were both wearing pink. We looked cute alright. But there is another picture that was amusingly tagged by a friend again. He did not just tag it by the way. HE MADE AN EDITED PICTURE OF IT (LOL). It goes like this. We just ordered food from a Chinese restaurant, and we just had to wait. We left kinda bored, positioning restlessly on our chairs. Here how the picture came: She was looking at the table, maybe holding the menu or something, and looking quite abit pissed or disturbed with her lips pouted, while I was looking actually inside the restaurant but in the camera it appears like I was looking at her trying to figure out what to do next. This friend of mine edited the picture by putting shoutout clouds like in the comic strips with her thinking "When will he court me?" and me thinking "How will I court her?". LOL it was really funny.
I didn't actually come to understand why we had to pose for like ten times when we were at the pool side. The first one was already ok. Two should have been enough.
We were in a bar with some family friends. I STILL don't know if it was just me, or she was trying to get nearer to me when we were having our pictured taken that night, nearer than the usual. I can still remember that night that she was warmer to me, more talkative and just abit different than how she showed her identity to me on the previous days. If you should take a look at this series of pictures, I was in the same pose in those pictures while she was changing positions. More or less an hour after that, in some way, she wanted to know how I felt for her. But still, I don't know if it was right for me if I had taken advantage of her.
Oh yeah, before I forget. The last picture with just the two of us. Maybe the bluest of them all. Well, the previous night was an awful night for me. I am not sure how this picture was taken but here is how it looks like: Me, driver's seat. Her, passenger seat. My eyes looked half opened and I was looking maybe at the side mirror, with a shallow smile. Definitely I wasn't looking at her. She was leaning forward, smiling and looking at me, looking worried. Her elbow was on the compartment, maybe giving a hint that she was or about to lean nearer to me (maybe not). And, I was wearing the shirt she bought me for my birthday (and there is actually a picture where we were in the cashier with her buying the shirt).
Well, there are way more pictures in here. These are just some of the notable untold ones.
9. This memory is actually worth sharing. I just don't know how this ended up totally untold to anyone, not even in the prequel.
Get this: You're an a teenager anymore, but at that certain moment you felt like being a real kid. And lucky you, the girl you like so much wants to do the same with you at the same moment.
That was me at one point in our lives. This happened in our out of town trip.
I have never jumped on a trampoline before. And there was one trampoline right under our noses. It was right under the sun, at noon time.
I didn't care. I have never jumped on a trampoline before. I was like a kid rushing to that damn trampoline under the noon sun. And, she was right behind me. The next thing I saw was her jumping up and down while I do just the same.
I couldn't pull myself together. I was actually doing that and I was with her. I felt really high. Then I just took her hands while we jumped up and down.
That was the first time I held her hands. I was holding them with mine for some good twenty seconds, and she was in no protest against me holding her. And honestly, if it weren't because of that streaking heat of the noon sun, I could have held her hands abit longer. Nah, just kidding. I just felt suddenly shy.
But the kid in us didn't leave just yet. There was a foozball contraption there and we just played and sweat it out.
At that very day, I felt really comfortable being with her. She was sitting on a hammock and I just came to her sitting beside her. I even took a picture with us sitting on that hammock.
That seemed like the almost-perfect time for that first picture. We wore the same shirt color and we were quite alone in where we were. Then I was feeling the guts over the feeling of being shy.
It was a simple request, but how the hell do I ask her. I was holding my brother's cam.
"Hey, is it okay if I take picture with you?"
Or something like that [I admit, at that time I couldn't complete a whole sentence without shaking when talking to her]. And we had our first picture. Man, she looked so pretty.
Do you guys remember that very special feeling? Maybe for those pretty girls out there, it'd be nothing, but for guys, HEART POUNDING! The moment you ask this very pretty girl who is just melting your heart while she simply stands in front of you to fake a smile, stand beside you for a couple of seconds, and just wait for the camera to click. That's already hard. And you hear her saying yes? That's a HUGE relief and alot of excitement. And the actual moment you stand beside her, and feeling abit of skin that you wouldn't know if you should press on or hold a little bit back while you position the cam and trying to look all composed?!
And finally, you finally get the picture that you've been waiting for. It's like THE PICTURE OF YOUR LIFETIME. More relief that you finally get it, and more excitement because you just can't wait to show that to your friends.
That's pretty much me at that moment.
Then more pictures followed. Please read on to moment #8.
8. Then those pictures followed. I must say, I was getting quite used to having pictures with her, no matter who is taking those. I would still feel amazingly frozen every time our bodies get really near to each other when we pose for a click, but I made sure from then that we good pictures.
Yea, we piled up quite a number of pictures. One of them was even given a title (not by me):
"[90561495] with a [adjective #1] [Adjective #2] guy" <--- go figure
That was like the "legendary picture". The picture of all pictures. I think we wore our best smiles in the whole trip and got really lucky enough to be able to put them in a single picture (Oh man you should see her very pretty smile in this picture!). And not just only that, we really looked sweet in that picture that her shoulder was over mine as if my arm could wrap her around or I could put my hand on her other shoulder (too bad I was a wimp!). We wore shirts with colors opposite in the color wheel, and the combination looks strikingly beautiful over a background of old with grays and greens. Some candid pictures capturing some good laughs or funny things.
One of the notable ones is when we got to ride a [something like a rickshaw in China, but instead of a human being, you get an animal as your engine]. The "rickshaw" was really unstable and we got quite off balanced and laughed it all off. Got it on film. Another from the candid pictures was tagged by a friend - "Hey, what are you doing with my bag?". We honestly didn't know that this was coming because we were way behind everyone else while we walk uphill together (but the picture was really upclose). Minding our own businesses while walking, she was looking the plants and flowers at the roadside (I think), while I was messing with her little bag (which I actually bought for her). Got that on film as well.
More from the candid pictures. At one day, we were both wearing pink. We looked cute alright. But there is another picture that was amusingly tagged by a friend again. He did not just tag it by the way. HE MADE AN EDITED PICTURE OF IT (LOL). It goes like this. We just ordered food from a Chinese restaurant, and we just had to wait. We left kinda bored, positioning restlessly on our chairs. Here how the picture came: She was looking at the table, maybe holding the menu or something, and looking quite abit pissed or disturbed with her lips pouted, while I was looking actually inside the restaurant but in the camera it appears like I was looking at her trying to figure out what to do next. This friend of mine edited the picture by putting shoutout clouds like in the comic strips with her thinking "When will he court me?" and me thinking "How will I court her?". LOL it was really funny.
I didn't actually come to understand why we had to pose for like ten times when we were at the pool side. The first one was already ok. Two should have been enough.
We were in a bar with some family friends. I STILL don't know if it was just me, or she was trying to get nearer to me when we were having our pictured taken that night, nearer than the usual. I can still remember that night that she was warmer to me, more talkative and just abit different than how she showed her identity to me on the previous days. If you should take a look at this series of pictures, I was in the same pose in those pictures while she was changing positions. More or less an hour after that, in some way, she wanted to know how I felt for her. But still, I don't know if it was right for me if I had taken advantage of her.
Oh yeah, before I forget. The last picture with just the two of us. Maybe the bluest of them all. Well, the previous night was an awful night for me. I am not sure how this picture was taken but here is how it looks like: Me, driver's seat. Her, passenger seat. My eyes looked half opened and I was looking maybe at the side mirror, with a shallow smile. Definitely I wasn't looking at her. She was leaning forward, smiling and looking at me, looking worried. Her elbow was on the compartment, maybe giving a hint that she was or about to lean nearer to me (maybe not). And, I was wearing the shirt she bought me for my birthday (and there is actually a picture where we were in the cashier with her buying the shirt).
Well, there are way more pictures in here. These are just some of the notable untold ones.
9. This memory is actually worth sharing. I just don't know how this ended up totally untold to anyone, not even in the prequel.
Get this: You're an a teenager anymore, but at that certain moment you felt like being a real kid. And lucky you, the girl you like so much wants to do the same with you at the same moment.
That was me at one point in our lives. This happened in our out of town trip.
I have never jumped on a trampoline before. And there was one trampoline right under our noses. It was right under the sun, at noon time.
I didn't care. I have never jumped on a trampoline before. I was like a kid rushing to that damn trampoline under the noon sun. And, she was right behind me. The next thing I saw was her jumping up and down while I do just the same.
I couldn't pull myself together. I was actually doing that and I was with her. I felt really high. Then I just took her hands while we jumped up and down.
That was the first time I held her hands. I was holding them with mine for some good twenty seconds, and she was in no protest against me holding her. And honestly, if it weren't because of that streaking heat of the noon sun, I could have held her hands abit longer. Nah, just kidding. I just felt suddenly shy.
But the kid in us didn't leave just yet. There was a foozball contraption there and we just played and sweat it out.
At that very day, I felt really comfortable being with her. She was sitting on a hammock and I just came to her sitting beside her. I even took a picture with us sitting on that hammock.
20090701
My Untold Memories - Memories 5 to 6
Finally, I got back on my own feet (I think). So here goes the cavalry again...
-----------
5. Normally, when I cross the street with a friend (wherein my figure comes with more authority, depending on
who I am with), I'd step abit forward, have my arm being some kind of protection or something. It's kinda hard to explain, but this is just the introduction to this memory.
For the length of our time, we have crossed a number of streets. And already at one point, being the guy, I have this authority over her at some points - and one of them is crossing streets.
On few occassions, just before I could even "take the lead" in crossing the street, she would (not just hold) grabe my wrist. I would just freeze, and I swear I could have had myself get hit a car then. Well, it could have been really nice if I mustered just enough courage to hold her hand, at least for the short time we would cross a street.
I think it's actually must. There's one chapter that I can remember in All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum:
"When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together"
[This can mean alot of things if you try extrapollating this, but we'll stick to the literal meaning, as how a kindergarten kid would understand it]
Yeah, she did her part in most of the occassions (at least by grabbing my wrist). And at one instance I almost lost my life (or one of my limbs) because she wasn't there to take my arm (because at that time, I would be meeting her for the first time in like ten hours later). It's not totally because I did not know how to cross the street, but because [of a reason I am not yet ready to tell this blog].
If I have read that earlier, I would have felt obliged to hold her hand every single time we would cross a street. And now, I'll take note of this.
By the way, she has soft and nice hands.
6. I have taught her how play this game. We were in a room with our families. She first watched us playing the game. Then, she was right there behind me watching me play. Of course, I had to explain every step I was taking. Later on, when [assumingly] she had absorbed the basics of the game, she was already sitting on my chair as I watched and guided her. I have pictures of this with her playing.
It's hard to imagine, I know. But this is a card game.
Days had passed, and we had days that we spent by ourselves (or we didn't have much choice). We played this game by just the two of us. At first, yes it was very easy to beat her. But she learned quickly, and started to beat me up (I think). We definitely enjoyed playing, and we would play for hours.
The games were fun. Until the last set of games.
I was in the other room alone, with my guitar. Trying to reminisce and contemplate the events that happened prior to that moment, I was feeling really low. I didn't know what I really wanted with her, but it seemed I really wanted some time alone.
She came in with a deck of cards. The last games. The most depressing ones.
Now, I don't know if she still can remember how to play that game.
-----------
5. Normally, when I cross the street with a friend (wherein my figure comes with more authority, depending on
who I am with), I'd step abit forward, have my arm being some kind of protection or something. It's kinda hard to explain, but this is just the introduction to this memory.
For the length of our time, we have crossed a number of streets. And already at one point, being the guy, I have this authority over her at some points - and one of them is crossing streets.
On few occassions, just before I could even "take the lead" in crossing the street, she would (not just hold) grabe my wrist. I would just freeze, and I swear I could have had myself get hit a car then. Well, it could have been really nice if I mustered just enough courage to hold her hand, at least for the short time we would cross a street.
I think it's actually must. There's one chapter that I can remember in All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum:
"When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together"
[This can mean alot of things if you try extrapollating this, but we'll stick to the literal meaning, as how a kindergarten kid would understand it]
Yeah, she did her part in most of the occassions (at least by grabbing my wrist). And at one instance I almost lost my life (or one of my limbs) because she wasn't there to take my arm (because at that time, I would be meeting her for the first time in like ten hours later). It's not totally because I did not know how to cross the street, but because [of a reason I am not yet ready to tell this blog].
If I have read that earlier, I would have felt obliged to hold her hand every single time we would cross a street. And now, I'll take note of this.
By the way, she has soft and nice hands.
6. I have taught her how play this game. We were in a room with our families. She first watched us playing the game. Then, she was right there behind me watching me play. Of course, I had to explain every step I was taking. Later on, when [assumingly] she had absorbed the basics of the game, she was already sitting on my chair as I watched and guided her. I have pictures of this with her playing.
It's hard to imagine, I know. But this is a card game.
Days had passed, and we had days that we spent by ourselves (or we didn't have much choice). We played this game by just the two of us. At first, yes it was very easy to beat her. But she learned quickly, and started to beat me up (I think). We definitely enjoyed playing, and we would play for hours.
The games were fun. Until the last set of games.
I was in the other room alone, with my guitar. Trying to reminisce and contemplate the events that happened prior to that moment, I was feeling really low. I didn't know what I really wanted with her, but it seemed I really wanted some time alone.
She came in with a deck of cards. The last games. The most depressing ones.
Now, I don't know if she still can remember how to play that game.
20090622
No Reward for Nice Guys
I am not able to continue [for now] the same direction that my blog is making. I have realized that what I am trying to accomplish (which is not really much from her, and so much from myself) is kinda selfish.
NOTE: For a few people that I know [who pays attention to their personal email inboxes], this is a dead give away.
Some nice guys just don't get rewarded on how they deserve to be rewarded. Even on small things or some other things that they are expected to be rewarded. Even on some things that they have been wholeheartedly pursuing.
I've got nothing to lose - so what am I thinking? I am not even expecting to be rewarded or something like that. Even up to this point that I am giving my "unrequited love" (quoting my new friend on her comment about this part of my story), trying to be selfish and all, and STILL I am being selfless.
Selfless. How?
A few weeks ago (a day after I posted my last entry, I think), I got to talk to [someone very important in her life]. Cutting the story short, I realized she is very happy in her life now, and I was worried about how would she react if I confess to her personally. I did not want to shake her up. I did not want her to react badly just because a guy has been secretly keeping his love for her for years already.
Like what I said. I've got nothing to lose - so what am I thinking? My new friend shared to me that it's time for me and it's ok for me to GO SELFISH this time. She is right, and besides, I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. After her saying that, I felt like it's more important for me to vent these hidden feelings out in that right time, rather so selfless and keep this for a longer time. I'd be crazy by then.
I know I am not the perfect man a girl would want to be with as her girlfriend. I know I do not have the looks of a man who would sweep off any girl just by one look. I am a man who would work hard for a girl just to say hi at him. I guess I have been used to that kind of setup, that there are always guys who would do practically nothing to have girls go crazy for them because they are someone that I am not. But I know I am a nice guy, nice enough to deserve some warm attention and warm love from someone that I really love.
But I am in some kind of a love curse. Believe me, I have been serving this curse for a while already.
Well, so GO SELFISH for me. But I am still blown away by my own thoughts of being selfless and unrewarded. I just hope I can recover from this minor setback so I can continue with my pending posts.
NOTE: For a few people that I know [who pays attention to their personal email inboxes], this is a dead give away.
Some nice guys just don't get rewarded on how they deserve to be rewarded. Even on small things or some other things that they are expected to be rewarded. Even on some things that they have been wholeheartedly pursuing.
I've got nothing to lose - so what am I thinking? I am not even expecting to be rewarded or something like that. Even up to this point that I am giving my "unrequited love" (quoting my new friend on her comment about this part of my story), trying to be selfish and all, and STILL I am being selfless.
Selfless. How?
A few weeks ago (a day after I posted my last entry, I think), I got to talk to [someone very important in her life]. Cutting the story short, I realized she is very happy in her life now, and I was worried about how would she react if I confess to her personally. I did not want to shake her up. I did not want her to react badly just because a guy has been secretly keeping his love for her for years already.
Like what I said. I've got nothing to lose - so what am I thinking? My new friend shared to me that it's time for me and it's ok for me to GO SELFISH this time. She is right, and besides, I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. After her saying that, I felt like it's more important for me to vent these hidden feelings out in that right time, rather so selfless and keep this for a longer time. I'd be crazy by then.
I know I am not the perfect man a girl would want to be with as her girlfriend. I know I do not have the looks of a man who would sweep off any girl just by one look. I am a man who would work hard for a girl just to say hi at him. I guess I have been used to that kind of setup, that there are always guys who would do practically nothing to have girls go crazy for them because they are someone that I am not. But I know I am a nice guy, nice enough to deserve some warm attention and warm love from someone that I really love.
But I am in some kind of a love curse. Believe me, I have been serving this curse for a while already.
Well, so GO SELFISH for me. But I am still blown away by my own thoughts of being selfless and unrewarded. I just hope I can recover from this minor setback so I can continue with my pending posts.
20090602
My Untold Memories - Memories 1 to 4
Here are the memories as promised, in random order. Enjoy!
1. When I first saw her, she was wearing glasses. Well, actually for most of the time, she was wearing glasses. But she did ask me if she looked prettier with or without the glasses on. I am not a hundred percent sure but I think I told her she looked prettier without the glasses.
The truth is: I DON'T CARE. She looks very pretty either way. That's why I cannot really remember the answer I gave her. I have proof - I have lots of pictures here of her with and without her glasses on.
2. At one point when we were in a mall, I bought a card for my mobile phone to have credits. I scratched the covered part with a coin, and used my thumb to sweep the cover away, making most of the cover particles get to my thumb. Boy, my thumb was so "silvery" dirty but I didn't mind. As I was on the phone with the automated operator, I didn't have my attention to her nor to my thumb. My hand was was in an upright position that I looked stupid while walking and listening on the phone. A moment later, she wiped my thumb clean with her own thumb, making her thumb dirty as well.
Talk about sweet? I could have looked at her straight in her eyes because I find that really sweet, but I was shy because her mum was there with us.
I walked on as if nothing happened, but I can remember this very clearly.
3. Hey, I was so depressed - in a matter of hours I would never see her again (at least for that time frame). I didn't want to talk to her. I was having a time for myself trying to sort things out and calming myself down from the events that have occurred the previous night. I was just sitting down on the floor, my back leaning on the bed.
The door opened. It was her (There were already instances that she followed me down, and this was the most miserable one). She sat in front of me, with me no clue of why was she there. Moments later, we were playing the game that we both enjoyed playing for the short time we had been together.
But at that moment, I did not enjoy a single second of it. I don't know with her. If chances does not permit us to stay away for that period of time for just a couple of minutes, why could not we have those last hours as happy ones, even if we try to force it abit?
Nah, too impossible to happen at that time.
4. At first I had already noticed her doing it, but I didn't tell at first. It was not really bothersome. It was cute actually, because SHE was the one doing it (and probably she is still doing it).
Well, I thought maybe I could appear bothered, just enough to have a reason for me to talk to her in at least an "authoritative" way. Here's how would I tell her:
"Hey don't put your hands in your back pockets. It doesn't look very nice."
Then she would take her hands off her pockets, then put them in again a little later. It does not NOT look nice. Actually, I have pictures of her with her hands inside her back pockets. The pictures were taken from behind so you'll actually see her hands inside the pockets. She looked funny, but cute. You can imagine what I mean.
There are more to come! I promise! :)
1. When I first saw her, she was wearing glasses. Well, actually for most of the time, she was wearing glasses. But she did ask me if she looked prettier with or without the glasses on. I am not a hundred percent sure but I think I told her she looked prettier without the glasses.
The truth is: I DON'T CARE. She looks very pretty either way. That's why I cannot really remember the answer I gave her. I have proof - I have lots of pictures here of her with and without her glasses on.
2. At one point when we were in a mall, I bought a card for my mobile phone to have credits. I scratched the covered part with a coin, and used my thumb to sweep the cover away, making most of the cover particles get to my thumb. Boy, my thumb was so "silvery" dirty but I didn't mind. As I was on the phone with the automated operator, I didn't have my attention to her nor to my thumb. My hand was was in an upright position that I looked stupid while walking and listening on the phone. A moment later, she wiped my thumb clean with her own thumb, making her thumb dirty as well.
Talk about sweet? I could have looked at her straight in her eyes because I find that really sweet, but I was shy because her mum was there with us.
I walked on as if nothing happened, but I can remember this very clearly.
3. Hey, I was so depressed - in a matter of hours I would never see her again (at least for that time frame). I didn't want to talk to her. I was having a time for myself trying to sort things out and calming myself down from the events that have occurred the previous night. I was just sitting down on the floor, my back leaning on the bed.
The door opened. It was her (There were already instances that she followed me down, and this was the most miserable one). She sat in front of me, with me no clue of why was she there. Moments later, we were playing the game that we both enjoyed playing for the short time we had been together.
But at that moment, I did not enjoy a single second of it. I don't know with her. If chances does not permit us to stay away for that period of time for just a couple of minutes, why could not we have those last hours as happy ones, even if we try to force it abit?
Nah, too impossible to happen at that time.
4. At first I had already noticed her doing it, but I didn't tell at first. It was not really bothersome. It was cute actually, because SHE was the one doing it (and probably she is still doing it).
Well, I thought maybe I could appear bothered, just enough to have a reason for me to talk to her in at least an "authoritative" way. Here's how would I tell her:
"Hey don't put your hands in your back pockets. It doesn't look very nice."
Then she would take her hands off her pockets, then put them in again a little later. It does not NOT look nice. Actually, I have pictures of her with her hands inside her back pockets. The pictures were taken from behind so you'll actually see her hands inside the pockets. She looked funny, but cute. You can imagine what I mean.
There are more to come! I promise! :)
20090601
My Untold Memories - Prologue
Yes, I have kept alot of our pictures and I can be able to view them anytime. I'd say it really feels good to reminisce. But not only I reminisce with the pictures and with the stories I used to ceaselessly tell my friends - I have these never (some almost) told memories of mine which I kept safe in my heart. And now I cannot keep these to myself, and I have to let these out.
90561495, these are our memories when we were together for that short time. Some were captured by the pictures (but their stories remained untold). You said those things; you heard me say those things. You did these things; you saw me do these. I am very sure if you make your way into reading at least some of these memories, and if you'd remember me well enough, you'd know it's you I am talking about and you'd know who I am amidst of my anonymity (and maybe figure out how to decode '90561495').
Right now I am trying to organize these memories into blog entries. Please keep yourself posted here for updates. I promise you a fun ride on this one.
90561495, these are our memories when we were together for that short time. Some were captured by the pictures (but their stories remained untold). You said those things; you heard me say those things. You did these things; you saw me do these. I am very sure if you make your way into reading at least some of these memories, and if you'd remember me well enough, you'd know it's you I am talking about and you'd know who I am amidst of my anonymity (and maybe figure out how to decode '90561495').
Right now I am trying to organize these memories into blog entries. Please keep yourself posted here for updates. I promise you a fun ride on this one.
20090529
P2: "But this one is quite strange..."
That was the night of my birthday, in a territory I am not really familiar in. But it did not really matter - hell did I enjoy that day with her. I knew I couldn't wait to get back home to update the prequel. That time, I really wanted to vent out everything I was feeling for her.
She really had me from the start. I instantly had a crush on her the first time I laid my eyes on her. Quickly, I started liking her. At this point that I was writing this second entry, I knew I already liked her ALOT. And of all the girls that had (and this still accounts up to the present) caught my attention, this one is quite strange because [stripped off info]. And actually, I did compare her (I rarely do this) to these other girls I have known before, and none of them matches her in some crucial characteristics.
Yes, she rendered me dumbstruck alright. I think we ALL know that by heart by now. But at the point I was writing this (and just rediscovered it the last time I re-read this a few months ago), I really did not want anything to do with her in the romantic sense. Silly me huh? I liked her so much, and damn my heart would always melt just by looking at her, etc. But I did not want to be her boyfriend, or such. The "strange" reasons I mentioned were the reasons.
Another thing that was so disturbing for me is she might have seen a part of me which isn't me (backtrack here -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/05/that-one-good-thing-she-saw-in-me.html). I have been someone who wants everything right on the table, so as no one will be left out or lost in transition, if that's safe to say. And my friends knew that I am a person of that stature. But I felt like she saw otherwise (but not conclusive I am sure) - like I'd be keeping some for myself for no apparent reason.
Yes, disturbing but I wouldn't worry that much. Remember, I didn't want to be her boyfriend. I was just cherishing the moment. Close to heaven, yeah.
Card games. Double yeah!
At that point, I was already worried on how I would be going on when the time comes that we would not be seeing each other (for a long time, or not at all - yet to be known). I knew that day would be big for me, dunno for her. I was already thinking if she was willing to talk to me and how we will actually be in contact after that "stint". It did look quite gloomy.
That's how I ended the second entry. Worrier with a sad face.
She really had me from the start. I instantly had a crush on her the first time I laid my eyes on her. Quickly, I started liking her. At this point that I was writing this second entry, I knew I already liked her ALOT. And of all the girls that had (and this still accounts up to the present) caught my attention, this one is quite strange because [stripped off info]. And actually, I did compare her (I rarely do this) to these other girls I have known before, and none of them matches her in some crucial characteristics.
Yes, she rendered me dumbstruck alright. I think we ALL know that by heart by now. But at the point I was writing this (and just rediscovered it the last time I re-read this a few months ago), I really did not want anything to do with her in the romantic sense. Silly me huh? I liked her so much, and damn my heart would always melt just by looking at her, etc. But I did not want to be her boyfriend, or such. The "strange" reasons I mentioned were the reasons.
Another thing that was so disturbing for me is she might have seen a part of me which isn't me (backtrack here -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/05/that-one-good-thing-she-saw-in-me.html). I have been someone who wants everything right on the table, so as no one will be left out or lost in transition, if that's safe to say. And my friends knew that I am a person of that stature. But I felt like she saw otherwise (but not conclusive I am sure) - like I'd be keeping some for myself for no apparent reason.
Yes, disturbing but I wouldn't worry that much. Remember, I didn't want to be her boyfriend. I was just cherishing the moment. Close to heaven, yeah.
Card games. Double yeah!
At that point, I was already worried on how I would be going on when the time comes that we would not be seeing each other (for a long time, or not at all - yet to be known). I knew that day would be big for me, dunno for her. I was already thinking if she was willing to talk to me and how we will actually be in contact after that "stint". It did look quite gloomy.
That's how I ended the second entry. Worrier with a sad face.
20090527
That one good thing she saw in me...
Just two weeks ago, I got to read some of my old blogs (where my true identity was actually posted - so I won't be posting it here). And wow did I write so well before - my old entries were WAY BETTER than my entries here. My brain cells must be deteriorating fast. Not good.
Anyway, there was one particular blog I made from Friendster which I created midway from the last time I saw her to now - that was X years before. The whole blog was not about her, I swear. But there was this particular line in a particular entry that I was talking about her:
"I used to be the most patient guy in the eyes of at least one girl..."
I remember at the time I was creating that line, I was so certain there was at least one girl who sees me as a very patient person because I remember the time so well when we were together, she told me that I was a very patient guy.
I rarely receive such a compliment from anybody, so this makes a really notable and memorable one since it came from a special person. I knew she meant it - by the way she told that to me.
I knewI have alot of good things in me, but I don't know if she was able (or if she did choose) to see them. I do now know how she appreciated me (or still appreciates me), on every either little or big thing I have done for her. I do not know how she really saw me.
Yes, I admit I wanted her to notice me like how I wanted to, but I kept freezing at some crucial moments with her. I might have tried hard, too hard that she wouldn't budge. I knew I have alot of things about me to show her. It wasn't easy showing her for some reasons, but I was trying.
And this one thing I never intended to show her, the one thing I did not expect for her to see out in the open, and yet that is the one good thing she saw in me. PATIENCE.
Anyway, there was one particular blog I made from Friendster which I created midway from the last time I saw her to now - that was X years before. The whole blog was not about her, I swear. But there was this particular line in a particular entry that I was talking about her:
"I used to be the most patient guy in the eyes of at least one girl..."
I remember at the time I was creating that line, I was so certain there was at least one girl who sees me as a very patient person because I remember the time so well when we were together, she told me that I was a very patient guy.
I rarely receive such a compliment from anybody, so this makes a really notable and memorable one since it came from a special person. I knew she meant it - by the way she told that to me.
I knewI have alot of good things in me, but I don't know if she was able (or if she did choose) to see them. I do now know how she appreciated me (or still appreciates me), on every either little or big thing I have done for her. I do not know how she really saw me.
Yes, I admit I wanted her to notice me like how I wanted to, but I kept freezing at some crucial moments with her. I might have tried hard, too hard that she wouldn't budge. I knew I have alot of things about me to show her. It wasn't easy showing her for some reasons, but I was trying.
And this one thing I never intended to show her, the one thing I did not expect for her to see out in the open, and yet that is the one good thing she saw in me. PATIENCE.
20090518
Rendered Lovestruck?
Have you been rendered lovestruck by someone, but somehow you just can't tell him/her? Post it here:
http://www.letterstocrushes.com/
Yes, you can go anonymous in here in anyway you want. You can tell the person absolutely anything! But just don't pin any hopes that he/she will be able to read it (unless you or someone tells him/her to go to this site to read some).
What's amazing about this site is you can read these short but really sweet letters written by these anonymous (or you can actually state your name) people for the people they love. I feel really high reading these letters, and yes, nostalgic because I can very well relate to some of those, and it can just bring me back to the time I was with her.
Just pay the site a visit. Someone, somewhere out there, may have secretly written something for you. You too can do the same for another person!
http://www.letterstocrushes.com/
Yes, you can go anonymous in here in anyway you want. You can tell the person absolutely anything! But just don't pin any hopes that he/she will be able to read it (unless you or someone tells him/her to go to this site to read some).
What's amazing about this site is you can read these short but really sweet letters written by these anonymous (or you can actually state your name) people for the people they love. I feel really high reading these letters, and yes, nostalgic because I can very well relate to some of those, and it can just bring me back to the time I was with her.
Just pay the site a visit. Someone, somewhere out there, may have secretly written something for you. You too can do the same for another person!
Ripples of an Opinion from an Unlikely Person
Just recently, a friend of mine made his way in reading the prequel. (Note: The timing is PURELY COINCIDENTAL. This friend knows nothing about this blog. He made his way to the prequel because another friend reminded me of it). This friend is a kind of person who likes to joke around and, though personally I know some of his life stories, he rarely talks seriously. Being this kind of person, he is very well liked by people - well enough for me to trust him with my stories with this girl. So with him being a "relatively new" friend, I thought maybe it was time for him know this part of my life.
Reading intently, I knew he had something to say about what he was reading. He shown different facial expressions and reactions while he was reading it. But I was not worried about anything, except for one thing. Aside from the prequel, I shared bits and pieces of our stories. He knew just enough to make his own justifiable comments about us.
And he did.
Eventhough I did not tell him alot about what happened between us in our short encounter, he knew and felt positive about one thing - she liked me. And he also knew I liked her alot. That was the same thing my sister told me years before.
Of course, I wanted her to like me at the time we were together and the months after that, but I couldn't entertain the idea - generally, because I am a very pessimistic person in nature about the stuff of the heart. But had I not been entertaining the wrong things? Was I being stupid because I was blindfully afraid? Had I realized that I would be regretting later on if I didn't do such moves? Or did I know this will happen and still chose to freeze?
I did. I did regret it. Until now. And mind all of you, I rarely regret.
Going back to this friend of mine, I was talking about not worrying about him except for one thing. I can sense that he is a smart person, and I can sense in him that he feels that I still like the same girl. Ultimately, I still want this anonymity. I do not want anybody to know about this but her (soon!).
The ripples of what had come to pass is now becoming something big - big enough to wipe the smirk off my face. Looking back, I have been saying to myself "It shouldn't have happened this way," or "I should have been a bolder guy," and stuff like that. Man, it's hard. We should all remember - The biggest regrets will always come from the things WE DID NOT MANAGE TO DO for whatever reason.
So, for all of you, whatever happens, if you have the chance, go and kick their asses and get the girl!
Reading intently, I knew he had something to say about what he was reading. He shown different facial expressions and reactions while he was reading it. But I was not worried about anything, except for one thing. Aside from the prequel, I shared bits and pieces of our stories. He knew just enough to make his own justifiable comments about us.
And he did.
Eventhough I did not tell him alot about what happened between us in our short encounter, he knew and felt positive about one thing - she liked me. And he also knew I liked her alot. That was the same thing my sister told me years before.
Of course, I wanted her to like me at the time we were together and the months after that, but I couldn't entertain the idea - generally, because I am a very pessimistic person in nature about the stuff of the heart. But had I not been entertaining the wrong things? Was I being stupid because I was blindfully afraid? Had I realized that I would be regretting later on if I didn't do such moves? Or did I know this will happen and still chose to freeze?
I did. I did regret it. Until now. And mind all of you, I rarely regret.
Going back to this friend of mine, I was talking about not worrying about him except for one thing. I can sense that he is a smart person, and I can sense in him that he feels that I still like the same girl. Ultimately, I still want this anonymity. I do not want anybody to know about this but her (soon!).
The ripples of what had come to pass is now becoming something big - big enough to wipe the smirk off my face. Looking back, I have been saying to myself "It shouldn't have happened this way," or "I should have been a bolder guy," and stuff like that. Man, it's hard. We should all remember - The biggest regrets will always come from the things WE DID NOT MANAGE TO DO for whatever reason.
So, for all of you, whatever happens, if you have the chance, go and kick their asses and get the girl!
20090513
Get Out of This System!!!
I am stuck in a place where I am not entirely happy in. This feeling sucks big time. I just want to get out of this system, and make my way to where she is physically and emotionally.
Why can't I move as of the moment? Two big reasons:
1. Global economic crisis
2. Swine flu outbreak
These have been globally discussed, and I believe these need no introduction.
How about you? How are you affected by these two global factors?
Why can't I move as of the moment? Two big reasons:
1. Global economic crisis
2. Swine flu outbreak
These have been globally discussed, and I believe these need no introduction.
How about you? How are you affected by these two global factors?
20090427
[OFF TOPIC] Switching IDs
I am temporarily switching my Yahoo Messenger ID to brownman90561495. Stupid Yahoo. They have already deactivated, suspended, locked out or whatever 2 of my IDs already.
P1: "I have no idea what time it is..."
Yes, I felt so high from the small chat my sister and I just had the previous night, so high that I had to do something. I felt I have to let this out. I just went out, feeling very lightly and found myself looking for an "outlet". I did not even realize what time it was.
Then there it went. The Prequel was born, and so was its first entry.
This Sunday night was the next night when I first met her. She is definitely a catalyst to this, but this entry was not about her.
Can you imagine the feeling of being very high, bearing the thoughts that if these things will happen, you know that this will change your life forever? I can't exactly explain how I felt, but I believe it's close to this. Definitely a BIG change in my life FOREVER.
I was having some coffee while I was doing this. I got to create a simple analogy of my coffee to my life as how I see it then - to cut it short, I was still young (and still am!) and still have more things and dreams and whatever to come in my life.
Right now, I am pretty much sure I still have the same dream. As I would normally say in a game of pool - "IT'S ON!"
Then there it went. The Prequel was born, and so was its first entry.
This Sunday night was the next night when I first met her. She is definitely a catalyst to this, but this entry was not about her.
Can you imagine the feeling of being very high, bearing the thoughts that if these things will happen, you know that this will change your life forever? I can't exactly explain how I felt, but I believe it's close to this. Definitely a BIG change in my life FOREVER.
I was having some coffee while I was doing this. I got to create a simple analogy of my coffee to my life as how I see it then - to cut it short, I was still young (and still am!) and still have more things and dreams and whatever to come in my life.
Right now, I am pretty much sure I still have the same dream. As I would normally say in a game of pool - "IT'S ON!"
20090424
The Prequel
Being in constant awe of her and myself (still bearing the similar feelings for her for the past several years), I read the "PREQUEL" of this blog (that is why this is called The Sequel- and wondering if there will be an epilogue, or this itself is the epilogue). Years are gapping between the two materials, and talk about hardcore reminiscing - I can still remember every moment the story I was writing, and the moments as I was writing each one of them. They are still fresh.
I remember the crucial moment how I started the prequel. [I am now deliberately stripping off some details in the story, as my identity may be threatened by exposure]. I was talking to my sister about something that is absolutely related NEITHER to the prequel NOR to this blog. A jiffy later - adrenaline rush. I started making up some plans, day dreaming and fantasizing, etc. I was like "Wow, my mind is working very well. This must be something really special." Moments later, I came rushing to [deliberately stripped off info] to start off the prequel.
I started off quite slow trying to rearrange my "revitalized thoughts" into words. It was like a kid's room full of new toys that were just brought in; the kid got so excited seeing all those new toys, and ended up trying to organize them. But as I expected to myself, I caught up quickly. Everything was so crystal clear to me, so clear to me that I could taste it. Every word I wrote there was so true, and they all came from my heart.
Everytime I got the chance to update the prequel, I always made sure I seized the moment - meaning I am in the an excellent mood to vent my thoughts away. In that way, I ensured that I posted/wrote very effectively.
[As much as I want to describe the moments the prequel got updated from time to time, I would rather not, as this can give out some clues of my identity]
Updating the prequel was really fulfilling. I get to safely say everything I want to say about her (saying SAFELY, but she actually read a part of it). It was silly but very thrilling that a guy like me is doing something like that. That's how much I felt for her. That's how I got so crazy about her.
As much as it gave me the thrill updating the prequel, re-reading it all over again gave me a really wonderful (but sad) feeling. I am able to recall everything that took place at those times. I am able to reminisce how good or bad I was feeling. I am still able to see and hear very clearly with my imagination what I was seeing and hearing with my eyes and ears.
At one point when I was re-reading the prequel, I started crying.
There are some lines there that solely describes my feelings for her. They were so defined and full of meaning. But c'mon, those are years-old lines! Those should have been long gone! Amazingly, almost all of those lines are still true to date. It's hard to understand how these feelings have fostered by and for themselves over the years. I don't know why my heart is still clinging on the same girl.
I stopped updating the prequel because I got myself into a crossroad. The reason was partly mentioned in my previous entry -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/02/pursuit.html. [Thinking if I should include some of these stripped off info]. As the years have gone by, the feelings might have hampered, but it did not die.
With just these things that I posted/wrote in this blog, you can just imagine how much feelings (if you can call this love) were present when I was with her and when I was doing the prequel, and how this feeling have sustained over the years!
And damn, she only know a little part of this! She doesn't know the latter part of the prequel. She doesn't know about this. She doesn't know that I feel almost the same way for her as before... And I want her to know everything. In time... even if it takes so much sacrifice in my part.
Do you want to imagine how a guy goes crazy for a girl? You can try making your way in reading the prequel. I'd love to share it, but still thinking of a way of doing it wihle protecting my identity.
I remember the crucial moment how I started the prequel. [I am now deliberately stripping off some details in the story, as my identity may be threatened by exposure]. I was talking to my sister about something that is absolutely related NEITHER to the prequel NOR to this blog. A jiffy later - adrenaline rush. I started making up some plans, day dreaming and fantasizing, etc. I was like "Wow, my mind is working very well. This must be something really special." Moments later, I came rushing to [deliberately stripped off info] to start off the prequel.
I started off quite slow trying to rearrange my "revitalized thoughts" into words. It was like a kid's room full of new toys that were just brought in; the kid got so excited seeing all those new toys, and ended up trying to organize them. But as I expected to myself, I caught up quickly. Everything was so crystal clear to me, so clear to me that I could taste it. Every word I wrote there was so true, and they all came from my heart.
Everytime I got the chance to update the prequel, I always made sure I seized the moment - meaning I am in the an excellent mood to vent my thoughts away. In that way, I ensured that I posted/wrote very effectively.
[As much as I want to describe the moments the prequel got updated from time to time, I would rather not, as this can give out some clues of my identity]
Updating the prequel was really fulfilling. I get to safely say everything I want to say about her (saying SAFELY, but she actually read a part of it). It was silly but very thrilling that a guy like me is doing something like that. That's how much I felt for her. That's how I got so crazy about her.
As much as it gave me the thrill updating the prequel, re-reading it all over again gave me a really wonderful (but sad) feeling. I am able to recall everything that took place at those times. I am able to reminisce how good or bad I was feeling. I am still able to see and hear very clearly with my imagination what I was seeing and hearing with my eyes and ears.
At one point when I was re-reading the prequel, I started crying.
There are some lines there that solely describes my feelings for her. They were so defined and full of meaning. But c'mon, those are years-old lines! Those should have been long gone! Amazingly, almost all of those lines are still true to date. It's hard to understand how these feelings have fostered by and for themselves over the years. I don't know why my heart is still clinging on the same girl.
I stopped updating the prequel because I got myself into a crossroad. The reason was partly mentioned in my previous entry -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/02/pursuit.html. [Thinking if I should include some of these stripped off info]. As the years have gone by, the feelings might have hampered, but it did not die.
With just these things that I posted/wrote in this blog, you can just imagine how much feelings (if you can call this love) were present when I was with her and when I was doing the prequel, and how this feeling have sustained over the years!
And damn, she only know a little part of this! She doesn't know the latter part of the prequel. She doesn't know about this. She doesn't know that I feel almost the same way for her as before... And I want her to know everything. In time... even if it takes so much sacrifice in my part.
Do you want to imagine how a guy goes crazy for a girl? You can try making your way in reading the prequel. I'd love to share it, but still thinking of a way of doing it wihle protecting my identity.
20090421
This Card Game
It's already a cliche when we hear someone say "I think of him/her every night" and similar stuff like that. But I think I have moved to the next level in that category.
Yes, I always think of her - from my first waking moment til my last conscious thought. I would always wonder how is she doing in her everyday life and all. But when nightfall comes, I give some time for myself to play this card game before I sleep.
Solitaire. It means patience.
The nightly battles between a 52-card deck and myself. Seems pretty simple but it gets very stressful at times. All you have to do is pile the cards in ascending order per suit, but it really takes a toll on you.
The game's winning percentage is actually low. At one point you thought you had the game, but you then realize you got locked out because the crucial card is faced down behind a stack of cards which you couldn't get. At another point, in an early stage of the game you got immediately locked before you could even say GAME OVER.
Maybe that's why it's called Solitaire. You have to be really patient on this game.
I don't do it just because I like playing it. Every time I shuffle the cards and set it, I'd always wish and say to myself "Please bring me closer you". It's like a desperation move, or something that I can only do when I cannot do anything about it, that if I'd win a game, I'd feel that I am getting myself or giving myself a chance to get closer to her, at least a bit.
But in reality, I just have to be patient in waiting for the things that will come to pass.
Yes, I always think of her - from my first waking moment til my last conscious thought. I would always wonder how is she doing in her everyday life and all. But when nightfall comes, I give some time for myself to play this card game before I sleep.
Solitaire. It means patience.
The nightly battles between a 52-card deck and myself. Seems pretty simple but it gets very stressful at times. All you have to do is pile the cards in ascending order per suit, but it really takes a toll on you.
The game's winning percentage is actually low. At one point you thought you had the game, but you then realize you got locked out because the crucial card is faced down behind a stack of cards which you couldn't get. At another point, in an early stage of the game you got immediately locked before you could even say GAME OVER.
Maybe that's why it's called Solitaire. You have to be really patient on this game.
I don't do it just because I like playing it. Every time I shuffle the cards and set it, I'd always wish and say to myself "Please bring me closer you". It's like a desperation move, or something that I can only do when I cannot do anything about it, that if I'd win a game, I'd feel that I am getting myself or giving myself a chance to get closer to her, at least a bit.
But in reality, I just have to be patient in waiting for the things that will come to pass.
20090417
Untitled
I was sitting in front of my desktop doing some stuff. She was two seats away from me doing her own errands. She was wearing a green dress, and I swear she looked so stunning. She had her eyeglasses off, and I was just easily captivated by her little eyes.
She came and sat beside me and asked me something. I cannot remember what I was saying to her but I could feel her slowly leaning to me. As I intently answering her question and turning my head to her face, she suddenly kissed me.
That kiss gave me the most intense shock of my life. It rendered me so dumbstruck that it took me some moments before I could even speak. I was looking dead straight into her eyes as she looked backed at me with her caring eyes as if she is very determined to take care of me.
"You know, I have been waiting for a long time for that kiss," I nervously said to her.
"Don't worry. We can do more of that soon," she replied followed by a smile as she held my hand.
A few moments later, I found myself lying on my bed. It was just a dream.
How I wish this will come true.
She came and sat beside me and asked me something. I cannot remember what I was saying to her but I could feel her slowly leaning to me. As I intently answering her question and turning my head to her face, she suddenly kissed me.
That kiss gave me the most intense shock of my life. It rendered me so dumbstruck that it took me some moments before I could even speak. I was looking dead straight into her eyes as she looked backed at me with her caring eyes as if she is very determined to take care of me.
"You know, I have been waiting for a long time for that kiss," I nervously said to her.
"Don't worry. We can do more of that soon," she replied followed by a smile as she held my hand.
A few moments later, I found myself lying on my bed. It was just a dream.
How I wish this will come true.
20090309
Time is Ticking
Just recently, I have heard the news from an important person that there's going to be a planned event sometime in the future with her very much involved in it. That's one reason that I can say she is very happy, and me - nothing.
Technically, I should be happy for her. I am actually. I should be feeling alright, as this is going to be a big break for her. But I am nowhere close to that vicinity. The moment I heard the news, I was stunned and speechless. I just sat there and all of our memories kept reeling.
I know very well in my power and knowledge that it is way easier to do nothing and hope the pain goes away in its own accord over time. But I know at the same time, I can be pretty stupid knowing that there is still something that can be done - like the last ditch effort.
Time is ticking - I should at least be able to tell her my feelings for her which has been hidden inside of me for years before I ran out of time. I do not know any good reason why I should be doing this. I never felt that she had waited for me all along, and here I am cooking up a Herculean mission which entails alot of sacrifice (which I will discuss in detail later on), and I am very certain that I will get nothing out of it, but the relief that I have finally "took the big choker out of my heart".
That's the way how I want it to happen - at the personal level, this is going to be between her and me, and NO ONE ELSE will know about it. I wish I could tell her everything personally, and I need to do this as soon as possible.
Time is running out. Think fast.
20090213
The Pursuit?
It was back several years ago when I already had this little plans with little steps to take - pretty much I was feeling good to where I was going. Those plans were actually not much. They are just pointers on how to live a normal life in where I was.
I already knew her then. I already saw her picture. OK. The reason why I know her is actually unusual. She was just there, thinking that she would not be a significant part in my life. I had my life going as planned, and pretty much the same went for her. She equally knew me, and most likely her mind was running the same thoughts.
I knew I was going to meet her. Moments before actually seeing her, I felt like "let's just get this over with so we can have our own lives back." She could not be one amazing girl who could stop me from my tracks.
Then we met. Face to face. From then, everything has changed.
Now, we have our separate lives (or maybe for her, this has been always the case) for several years, she has still been running in my mind. I don't know how to trash my thoughts of her, because they just keep coming back to me, haunting my mind until my last conscious thought.
I already knew her then. I already saw her picture. OK. The reason why I know her is actually unusual. She was just there, thinking that she would not be a significant part in my life. I had my life going as planned, and pretty much the same went for her. She equally knew me, and most likely her mind was running the same thoughts.
I knew I was going to meet her. Moments before actually seeing her, I felt like "let's just get this over with so we can have our own lives back." She could not be one amazing girl who could stop me from my tracks.
Then we met. Face to face. From then, everything has changed.
Now, we have our separate lives (or maybe for her, this has been always the case) for several years, she has still been running in my mind. I don't know how to trash my thoughts of her, because they just keep coming back to me, haunting my mind until my last conscious thought.
I'd always subtly greet her in her birthday - never missed one since the day I met her. But she'd only thank me when there's more than just a greeting. :(
I know she is very happy now. She may be busy with alot of things right now, but I know she is happy. I may not know what her thoughts are, I may now know how she is entirely doing right now, but I know she is happy.
Why did she have to be that amazing? Why DOES she have to be that amazing? We both know we haven't talked for a long time, but what really puzzles me is why is still she in my mind ALL ALONG? Yes, a couple of occassions I grab these chances to give her a little something that she'd always find sweet. But, damn I am yearning to do so much more for her.
Does she still remember our last encounter? Would she remember her actions if (given the chance) I ask her those things? Does she ever reminisce about those times? And if she ever, did she feel positive about it?
I truly miss her. I don't know what this is, but this is definitely VERY strong positive feelings for her that has endured over the years. BUT I can't do anything about it (well not entirely nothing - there's VERY LITTLE hope in this. It's painful, but sometimes it gives me a great feeling. I am not sure - is this supposed to be a pursuit, or am I serving some bad luck?
I know she is very happy now. She may be busy with alot of things right now, but I know she is happy. I may not know what her thoughts are, I may now know how she is entirely doing right now, but I know she is happy.
Why did she have to be that amazing? Why DOES she have to be that amazing? We both know we haven't talked for a long time, but what really puzzles me is why is still she in my mind ALL ALONG? Yes, a couple of occassions I grab these chances to give her a little something that she'd always find sweet. But, damn I am yearning to do so much more for her.
Does she still remember our last encounter? Would she remember her actions if (given the chance) I ask her those things? Does she ever reminisce about those times? And if she ever, did she feel positive about it?
I truly miss her. I don't know what this is, but this is definitely VERY strong positive feelings for her that has endured over the years. BUT I can't do anything about it (well not entirely nothing - there's VERY LITTLE hope in this. It's painful, but sometimes it gives me a great feeling. I am not sure - is this supposed to be a pursuit, or am I serving some bad luck?
Happy Valentines to you.
20090212
Your Author: Anonymous
I am just an ordinary guy who wants to vent his feelings out for a girl who has been silently running in my mind. Yes, silently, but it has been driving me crazy.
I don't want to be known. I do not wish to leave the shadow of anonimity. Nobody must know my real identity.
For this particular girl: You have known me before. You have seen me and talked with me before. We have laughed at alot of things. There are some things that I have done for the first time and I have done them when I was with you. I am one of the thousands of people you have seen walking around, one of the hundreds of people you have actually known abit better than others. Yes, you may know a thing or two about me. But what you don't know about me all along is that my heart is still beating for you. Have been SILENTLY beating for you for the last several years.
This is for all of you to read, for only you are my audience of my restless heart. Nobody else knows this, and I hope, through this, I can find at least the feeling of relief that I am able to find someone to listen.
Please do find time to read my rantings and comment as you wish. Thank you.
90561495
I don't want to be known. I do not wish to leave the shadow of anonimity. Nobody must know my real identity.
For this particular girl: You have known me before. You have seen me and talked with me before. We have laughed at alot of things. There are some things that I have done for the first time and I have done them when I was with you. I am one of the thousands of people you have seen walking around, one of the hundreds of people you have actually known abit better than others. Yes, you may know a thing or two about me. But what you don't know about me all along is that my heart is still beating for you. Have been SILENTLY beating for you for the last several years.
This is for all of you to read, for only you are my audience of my restless heart. Nobody else knows this, and I hope, through this, I can find at least the feeling of relief that I am able to find someone to listen.
Please do find time to read my rantings and comment as you wish. Thank you.
90561495
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