Gambette!

Final entry of three parts
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My eyes were drenched with tears of pain and sadness as I got home, and I still was not done crying as I laid myself on the bed, on that same room where we were alone the last time. I cried until I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I felt the worst feeling I had ever felt at that time. I knew I had to adjust because at that point, I was already used to having her around me. I was already used to waking up, knowing she was just a tad away from me. I was already so used to hearing her voice, talking to me. I was so used to wasting my time away being with her.

And at that point, she was already gone. I felt so helpless, trying to blindly reach out for someone who, that I was very much aware, was not physically present.

I was holding on to something that we agreed upon before she left. We'd be communicating via the internet. I knew then and there it was going to be hard sending and reading not more than flat words, behind the computer screen. But that was the only thing I could hold on to. I was thinking of the events that led to me having this chance when least expected.

Yeah, I knew it was going to be hard. But never thought it was going to be seemingly nearly impossible.

We did exchanged mails for the first few weeks. I did send her the pictures we had. I then had my nights with me rushing to my desktop to check for her emails, and to reply to her. We really had things going on these first few weeks.

And while we were at it, I was also writing some really good stuff in the prequel. Everything that I wrote there in that timeframe was really heartfelt.

The prequel was actually divided into two parts, divided by the last entry ever written while we were still together. And it was an entry written, not by me, but by her. The message was short, but for whatever reason, she said "Don't give up."

Don't give up? On what?

It came to a point that she almost never would send me messages. Well she told me the reason - she had been busy in school. I respected her for that. (In general, I really respect anyone's time for family, church, work and school). I said to myself that I would patiently wait for her messages. I still patiently waited even when the time started that she sent me nothing. At nights, I'd force myself to sleep for hours, and cry myself to sleep.

Yeah, I couldn't do anything but I would get really frustrated. I know it seemed so senseless setting my eyes on someone who was far away from me and it was indefinite on when I would be seeing her again.

Trying to find a reason to communicate with her and just to hang on, I tried sending her flowers. And I did, and she was able to get it. I was happy that she did appreciate the flowers.

But after that, everything went blurry again. She would not send a single message again.

Frustration grew larger as I got into a crossroad. I had to decide whether I hopelessly and patiently wait for her or I move on. I tell all of you, at that point, I wanted her so much as I was having a hard time to tell if I already love her or not. But at that same time, I was at the brink of simply giving up.

And, after a number of nights filled with frustration and tears, I did. I did give her up. I did move on. After all, I wasn't really a hundred percent sure if I could get my sorry ass up near her.

And apparently, she seemed to make a move to move on. And I would later on learn that I made a chain of mistakes.

As a year had passed by, I seem all smiles by the way my life was going on. But I knew I would think about her in few occassions. And with these moments, it would still bring a nice smile to my face. Even when I was already convinced that we could never be a couple, I would still wonder what would happen the next time we meet face to face. I still missed her.

At a certain point within that time, some realizations had come to my attention.

If I knew that the professional career that I have can bring me to places, included hers, earlier, I would have definitely pushed myself to wait for her. At least, with that, I would have been holding something really concrete for the future, and that was definitive.

And, honestly not knowing if this is an effect of the former, I started missing her like before again. I started thinking of her like how I used to before. I started wanting her right in my arms again. I would always think of her every night. And to amplify these feelings (alongside with the pain I had to endure), I started looking at our pictures from time to time. Nothing beats hardcore reminiscing like this. Everything started to feel really fresh, as if those moments just passed.

At that same time frame, she was then able to occassionally send me emails, which all of them I read intently and done something as said in the email. One of those mails had like a "crush calculator" or something like that, that I had to put my crush's name then the site would say if we would be compatible or not. I was really thinking of putting her name on it, but not really knowing what had happened, I put a name of another girl. Not knowing it was just a trick to spill your crush to the sender, I immediately sent her an email telling her that she tricked me while laughing at it. But deep inside of me, I felt stupid that I should have typed in her name. What should have been a great way to tell her I still like her.

A few years have passed while I have been carrying all of these realizations without telling anyone, because I knew this was very senseless and unguided. Then I came to point that I felt that if I will not find a way to let all of these out of my chest, I will go crazy. Late last year, I had put up a plan that would help me get all of these out, and for a few months I mustered the courage to actually do it and set the direction that I would be taking.

And finally, this year's Valentine's day, I started it - putting up a blog and writing behind an anonymous name.

At this point, how I am feeling for her right now is pretty much the same as how I described it above. I think I have expressed that clearly (over vague stories) in this blog for the past months. And so, some people may ask: what is my objective? What do I want to happen?

Simple. I want to fly fifteen hundred miles to her place because I want to tell her the truth in person, and I want her to hear them all in person. Nothing more, nothing less. She can ignore me for the rest of her life after that.

Senseless, right. I wish I am joking for all of this crap, but I am not. On this simple plan that I made, I don't want to give up. I already gave up on her once.

Then another day passes. Waiting for that dreadful day to come.