I am not able to continue [for now] the same direction that my blog is making. I have realized that what I am trying to accomplish (which is not really much from her, and so much from myself) is kinda selfish.
NOTE: For a few people that I know [who pays attention to their personal email inboxes], this is a dead give away.
Some nice guys just don't get rewarded on how they deserve to be rewarded. Even on small things or some other things that they are expected to be rewarded. Even on some things that they have been wholeheartedly pursuing.
I've got nothing to lose - so what am I thinking? I am not even expecting to be rewarded or something like that. Even up to this point that I am giving my "unrequited love" (quoting my new friend on her comment about this part of my story), trying to be selfish and all, and STILL I am being selfless.
Selfless. How?
A few weeks ago (a day after I posted my last entry, I think), I got to talk to [someone very important in her life]. Cutting the story short, I realized she is very happy in her life now, and I was worried about how would she react if I confess to her personally. I did not want to shake her up. I did not want her to react badly just because a guy has been secretly keeping his love for her for years already.
Like what I said. I've got nothing to lose - so what am I thinking? My new friend shared to me that it's time for me and it's ok for me to GO SELFISH this time. She is right, and besides, I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. After her saying that, I felt like it's more important for me to vent these hidden feelings out in that right time, rather so selfless and keep this for a longer time. I'd be crazy by then.
I know I am not the perfect man a girl would want to be with as her girlfriend. I know I do not have the looks of a man who would sweep off any girl just by one look. I am a man who would work hard for a girl just to say hi at him. I guess I have been used to that kind of setup, that there are always guys who would do practically nothing to have girls go crazy for them because they are someone that I am not. But I know I am a nice guy, nice enough to deserve some warm attention and warm love from someone that I really love.
But I am in some kind of a love curse. Believe me, I have been serving this curse for a while already.
Well, so GO SELFISH for me. But I am still blown away by my own thoughts of being selfless and unrewarded. I just hope I can recover from this minor setback so I can continue with my pending posts.
20090622
20090602
My Untold Memories - Memories 1 to 4
Here are the memories as promised, in random order. Enjoy!
1. When I first saw her, she was wearing glasses. Well, actually for most of the time, she was wearing glasses. But she did ask me if she looked prettier with or without the glasses on. I am not a hundred percent sure but I think I told her she looked prettier without the glasses.
The truth is: I DON'T CARE. She looks very pretty either way. That's why I cannot really remember the answer I gave her. I have proof - I have lots of pictures here of her with and without her glasses on.
2. At one point when we were in a mall, I bought a card for my mobile phone to have credits. I scratched the covered part with a coin, and used my thumb to sweep the cover away, making most of the cover particles get to my thumb. Boy, my thumb was so "silvery" dirty but I didn't mind. As I was on the phone with the automated operator, I didn't have my attention to her nor to my thumb. My hand was was in an upright position that I looked stupid while walking and listening on the phone. A moment later, she wiped my thumb clean with her own thumb, making her thumb dirty as well.
Talk about sweet? I could have looked at her straight in her eyes because I find that really sweet, but I was shy because her mum was there with us.
I walked on as if nothing happened, but I can remember this very clearly.
3. Hey, I was so depressed - in a matter of hours I would never see her again (at least for that time frame). I didn't want to talk to her. I was having a time for myself trying to sort things out and calming myself down from the events that have occurred the previous night. I was just sitting down on the floor, my back leaning on the bed.
The door opened. It was her (There were already instances that she followed me down, and this was the most miserable one). She sat in front of me, with me no clue of why was she there. Moments later, we were playing the game that we both enjoyed playing for the short time we had been together.
But at that moment, I did not enjoy a single second of it. I don't know with her. If chances does not permit us to stay away for that period of time for just a couple of minutes, why could not we have those last hours as happy ones, even if we try to force it abit?
Nah, too impossible to happen at that time.
4. At first I had already noticed her doing it, but I didn't tell at first. It was not really bothersome. It was cute actually, because SHE was the one doing it (and probably she is still doing it).
Well, I thought maybe I could appear bothered, just enough to have a reason for me to talk to her in at least an "authoritative" way. Here's how would I tell her:
"Hey don't put your hands in your back pockets. It doesn't look very nice."
Then she would take her hands off her pockets, then put them in again a little later. It does not NOT look nice. Actually, I have pictures of her with her hands inside her back pockets. The pictures were taken from behind so you'll actually see her hands inside the pockets. She looked funny, but cute. You can imagine what I mean.
There are more to come! I promise! :)
1. When I first saw her, she was wearing glasses. Well, actually for most of the time, she was wearing glasses. But she did ask me if she looked prettier with or without the glasses on. I am not a hundred percent sure but I think I told her she looked prettier without the glasses.
The truth is: I DON'T CARE. She looks very pretty either way. That's why I cannot really remember the answer I gave her. I have proof - I have lots of pictures here of her with and without her glasses on.
2. At one point when we were in a mall, I bought a card for my mobile phone to have credits. I scratched the covered part with a coin, and used my thumb to sweep the cover away, making most of the cover particles get to my thumb. Boy, my thumb was so "silvery" dirty but I didn't mind. As I was on the phone with the automated operator, I didn't have my attention to her nor to my thumb. My hand was was in an upright position that I looked stupid while walking and listening on the phone. A moment later, she wiped my thumb clean with her own thumb, making her thumb dirty as well.
Talk about sweet? I could have looked at her straight in her eyes because I find that really sweet, but I was shy because her mum was there with us.
I walked on as if nothing happened, but I can remember this very clearly.
3. Hey, I was so depressed - in a matter of hours I would never see her again (at least for that time frame). I didn't want to talk to her. I was having a time for myself trying to sort things out and calming myself down from the events that have occurred the previous night. I was just sitting down on the floor, my back leaning on the bed.
The door opened. It was her (There were already instances that she followed me down, and this was the most miserable one). She sat in front of me, with me no clue of why was she there. Moments later, we were playing the game that we both enjoyed playing for the short time we had been together.
But at that moment, I did not enjoy a single second of it. I don't know with her. If chances does not permit us to stay away for that period of time for just a couple of minutes, why could not we have those last hours as happy ones, even if we try to force it abit?
Nah, too impossible to happen at that time.
4. At first I had already noticed her doing it, but I didn't tell at first. It was not really bothersome. It was cute actually, because SHE was the one doing it (and probably she is still doing it).
Well, I thought maybe I could appear bothered, just enough to have a reason for me to talk to her in at least an "authoritative" way. Here's how would I tell her:
"Hey don't put your hands in your back pockets. It doesn't look very nice."
Then she would take her hands off her pockets, then put them in again a little later. It does not NOT look nice. Actually, I have pictures of her with her hands inside her back pockets. The pictures were taken from behind so you'll actually see her hands inside the pockets. She looked funny, but cute. You can imagine what I mean.
There are more to come! I promise! :)
20090601
My Untold Memories - Prologue
Yes, I have kept alot of our pictures and I can be able to view them anytime. I'd say it really feels good to reminisce. But not only I reminisce with the pictures and with the stories I used to ceaselessly tell my friends - I have these never (some almost) told memories of mine which I kept safe in my heart. And now I cannot keep these to myself, and I have to let these out.
90561495, these are our memories when we were together for that short time. Some were captured by the pictures (but their stories remained untold). You said those things; you heard me say those things. You did these things; you saw me do these. I am very sure if you make your way into reading at least some of these memories, and if you'd remember me well enough, you'd know it's you I am talking about and you'd know who I am amidst of my anonymity (and maybe figure out how to decode '90561495').
Right now I am trying to organize these memories into blog entries. Please keep yourself posted here for updates. I promise you a fun ride on this one.
90561495, these are our memories when we were together for that short time. Some were captured by the pictures (but their stories remained untold). You said those things; you heard me say those things. You did these things; you saw me do these. I am very sure if you make your way into reading at least some of these memories, and if you'd remember me well enough, you'd know it's you I am talking about and you'd know who I am amidst of my anonymity (and maybe figure out how to decode '90561495').
Right now I am trying to organize these memories into blog entries. Please keep yourself posted here for updates. I promise you a fun ride on this one.
20090529
P2: "But this one is quite strange..."
That was the night of my birthday, in a territory I am not really familiar in. But it did not really matter - hell did I enjoy that day with her. I knew I couldn't wait to get back home to update the prequel. That time, I really wanted to vent out everything I was feeling for her.
She really had me from the start. I instantly had a crush on her the first time I laid my eyes on her. Quickly, I started liking her. At this point that I was writing this second entry, I knew I already liked her ALOT. And of all the girls that had (and this still accounts up to the present) caught my attention, this one is quite strange because [stripped off info]. And actually, I did compare her (I rarely do this) to these other girls I have known before, and none of them matches her in some crucial characteristics.
Yes, she rendered me dumbstruck alright. I think we ALL know that by heart by now. But at the point I was writing this (and just rediscovered it the last time I re-read this a few months ago), I really did not want anything to do with her in the romantic sense. Silly me huh? I liked her so much, and damn my heart would always melt just by looking at her, etc. But I did not want to be her boyfriend, or such. The "strange" reasons I mentioned were the reasons.
Another thing that was so disturbing for me is she might have seen a part of me which isn't me (backtrack here -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/05/that-one-good-thing-she-saw-in-me.html). I have been someone who wants everything right on the table, so as no one will be left out or lost in transition, if that's safe to say. And my friends knew that I am a person of that stature. But I felt like she saw otherwise (but not conclusive I am sure) - like I'd be keeping some for myself for no apparent reason.
Yes, disturbing but I wouldn't worry that much. Remember, I didn't want to be her boyfriend. I was just cherishing the moment. Close to heaven, yeah.
Card games. Double yeah!
At that point, I was already worried on how I would be going on when the time comes that we would not be seeing each other (for a long time, or not at all - yet to be known). I knew that day would be big for me, dunno for her. I was already thinking if she was willing to talk to me and how we will actually be in contact after that "stint". It did look quite gloomy.
That's how I ended the second entry. Worrier with a sad face.
She really had me from the start. I instantly had a crush on her the first time I laid my eyes on her. Quickly, I started liking her. At this point that I was writing this second entry, I knew I already liked her ALOT. And of all the girls that had (and this still accounts up to the present) caught my attention, this one is quite strange because [stripped off info]. And actually, I did compare her (I rarely do this) to these other girls I have known before, and none of them matches her in some crucial characteristics.
Yes, she rendered me dumbstruck alright. I think we ALL know that by heart by now. But at the point I was writing this (and just rediscovered it the last time I re-read this a few months ago), I really did not want anything to do with her in the romantic sense. Silly me huh? I liked her so much, and damn my heart would always melt just by looking at her, etc. But I did not want to be her boyfriend, or such. The "strange" reasons I mentioned were the reasons.
Another thing that was so disturbing for me is she might have seen a part of me which isn't me (backtrack here -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/05/that-one-good-thing-she-saw-in-me.html). I have been someone who wants everything right on the table, so as no one will be left out or lost in transition, if that's safe to say. And my friends knew that I am a person of that stature. But I felt like she saw otherwise (but not conclusive I am sure) - like I'd be keeping some for myself for no apparent reason.
Yes, disturbing but I wouldn't worry that much. Remember, I didn't want to be her boyfriend. I was just cherishing the moment. Close to heaven, yeah.
Card games. Double yeah!
At that point, I was already worried on how I would be going on when the time comes that we would not be seeing each other (for a long time, or not at all - yet to be known). I knew that day would be big for me, dunno for her. I was already thinking if she was willing to talk to me and how we will actually be in contact after that "stint". It did look quite gloomy.
That's how I ended the second entry. Worrier with a sad face.
20090527
That one good thing she saw in me...
Just two weeks ago, I got to read some of my old blogs (where my true identity was actually posted - so I won't be posting it here). And wow did I write so well before - my old entries were WAY BETTER than my entries here. My brain cells must be deteriorating fast. Not good.
Anyway, there was one particular blog I made from Friendster which I created midway from the last time I saw her to now - that was X years before. The whole blog was not about her, I swear. But there was this particular line in a particular entry that I was talking about her:
"I used to be the most patient guy in the eyes of at least one girl..."
I remember at the time I was creating that line, I was so certain there was at least one girl who sees me as a very patient person because I remember the time so well when we were together, she told me that I was a very patient guy.
I rarely receive such a compliment from anybody, so this makes a really notable and memorable one since it came from a special person. I knew she meant it - by the way she told that to me.
I knewI have alot of good things in me, but I don't know if she was able (or if she did choose) to see them. I do now know how she appreciated me (or still appreciates me), on every either little or big thing I have done for her. I do not know how she really saw me.
Yes, I admit I wanted her to notice me like how I wanted to, but I kept freezing at some crucial moments with her. I might have tried hard, too hard that she wouldn't budge. I knew I have alot of things about me to show her. It wasn't easy showing her for some reasons, but I was trying.
And this one thing I never intended to show her, the one thing I did not expect for her to see out in the open, and yet that is the one good thing she saw in me. PATIENCE.
Anyway, there was one particular blog I made from Friendster which I created midway from the last time I saw her to now - that was X years before. The whole blog was not about her, I swear. But there was this particular line in a particular entry that I was talking about her:
"I used to be the most patient guy in the eyes of at least one girl..."
I remember at the time I was creating that line, I was so certain there was at least one girl who sees me as a very patient person because I remember the time so well when we were together, she told me that I was a very patient guy.
I rarely receive such a compliment from anybody, so this makes a really notable and memorable one since it came from a special person. I knew she meant it - by the way she told that to me.
I knewI have alot of good things in me, but I don't know if she was able (or if she did choose) to see them. I do now know how she appreciated me (or still appreciates me), on every either little or big thing I have done for her. I do not know how she really saw me.
Yes, I admit I wanted her to notice me like how I wanted to, but I kept freezing at some crucial moments with her. I might have tried hard, too hard that she wouldn't budge. I knew I have alot of things about me to show her. It wasn't easy showing her for some reasons, but I was trying.
And this one thing I never intended to show her, the one thing I did not expect for her to see out in the open, and yet that is the one good thing she saw in me. PATIENCE.
20090518
Rendered Lovestruck?
Have you been rendered lovestruck by someone, but somehow you just can't tell him/her? Post it here:
http://www.letterstocrushes.com/
Yes, you can go anonymous in here in anyway you want. You can tell the person absolutely anything! But just don't pin any hopes that he/she will be able to read it (unless you or someone tells him/her to go to this site to read some).
What's amazing about this site is you can read these short but really sweet letters written by these anonymous (or you can actually state your name) people for the people they love. I feel really high reading these letters, and yes, nostalgic because I can very well relate to some of those, and it can just bring me back to the time I was with her.
Just pay the site a visit. Someone, somewhere out there, may have secretly written something for you. You too can do the same for another person!
http://www.letterstocrushes.com/
Yes, you can go anonymous in here in anyway you want. You can tell the person absolutely anything! But just don't pin any hopes that he/she will be able to read it (unless you or someone tells him/her to go to this site to read some).
What's amazing about this site is you can read these short but really sweet letters written by these anonymous (or you can actually state your name) people for the people they love. I feel really high reading these letters, and yes, nostalgic because I can very well relate to some of those, and it can just bring me back to the time I was with her.
Just pay the site a visit. Someone, somewhere out there, may have secretly written something for you. You too can do the same for another person!
Ripples of an Opinion from an Unlikely Person
Just recently, a friend of mine made his way in reading the prequel. (Note: The timing is PURELY COINCIDENTAL. This friend knows nothing about this blog. He made his way to the prequel because another friend reminded me of it). This friend is a kind of person who likes to joke around and, though personally I know some of his life stories, he rarely talks seriously. Being this kind of person, he is very well liked by people - well enough for me to trust him with my stories with this girl. So with him being a "relatively new" friend, I thought maybe it was time for him know this part of my life.
Reading intently, I knew he had something to say about what he was reading. He shown different facial expressions and reactions while he was reading it. But I was not worried about anything, except for one thing. Aside from the prequel, I shared bits and pieces of our stories. He knew just enough to make his own justifiable comments about us.
And he did.
Eventhough I did not tell him alot about what happened between us in our short encounter, he knew and felt positive about one thing - she liked me. And he also knew I liked her alot. That was the same thing my sister told me years before.
Of course, I wanted her to like me at the time we were together and the months after that, but I couldn't entertain the idea - generally, because I am a very pessimistic person in nature about the stuff of the heart. But had I not been entertaining the wrong things? Was I being stupid because I was blindfully afraid? Had I realized that I would be regretting later on if I didn't do such moves? Or did I know this will happen and still chose to freeze?
I did. I did regret it. Until now. And mind all of you, I rarely regret.
Going back to this friend of mine, I was talking about not worrying about him except for one thing. I can sense that he is a smart person, and I can sense in him that he feels that I still like the same girl. Ultimately, I still want this anonymity. I do not want anybody to know about this but her (soon!).
The ripples of what had come to pass is now becoming something big - big enough to wipe the smirk off my face. Looking back, I have been saying to myself "It shouldn't have happened this way," or "I should have been a bolder guy," and stuff like that. Man, it's hard. We should all remember - The biggest regrets will always come from the things WE DID NOT MANAGE TO DO for whatever reason.
So, for all of you, whatever happens, if you have the chance, go and kick their asses and get the girl!
Reading intently, I knew he had something to say about what he was reading. He shown different facial expressions and reactions while he was reading it. But I was not worried about anything, except for one thing. Aside from the prequel, I shared bits and pieces of our stories. He knew just enough to make his own justifiable comments about us.
And he did.
Eventhough I did not tell him alot about what happened between us in our short encounter, he knew and felt positive about one thing - she liked me. And he also knew I liked her alot. That was the same thing my sister told me years before.
Of course, I wanted her to like me at the time we were together and the months after that, but I couldn't entertain the idea - generally, because I am a very pessimistic person in nature about the stuff of the heart. But had I not been entertaining the wrong things? Was I being stupid because I was blindfully afraid? Had I realized that I would be regretting later on if I didn't do such moves? Or did I know this will happen and still chose to freeze?
I did. I did regret it. Until now. And mind all of you, I rarely regret.
Going back to this friend of mine, I was talking about not worrying about him except for one thing. I can sense that he is a smart person, and I can sense in him that he feels that I still like the same girl. Ultimately, I still want this anonymity. I do not want anybody to know about this but her (soon!).
The ripples of what had come to pass is now becoming something big - big enough to wipe the smirk off my face. Looking back, I have been saying to myself "It shouldn't have happened this way," or "I should have been a bolder guy," and stuff like that. Man, it's hard. We should all remember - The biggest regrets will always come from the things WE DID NOT MANAGE TO DO for whatever reason.
So, for all of you, whatever happens, if you have the chance, go and kick their asses and get the girl!
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