This entry is probably a conjuction of the entry *knock on wood* - http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/08/knock-on-wood.html
Prologue: Search Google for these strings to know more media details of this entry: "typhoon ondoy ketsana philippines manila september 26"
-----
Last Saturday, alot of lives were lost. Properties, crops, homes, and people's lives were destroyed at that fateful day. Thousands of families displaced, children have been missing. At the height of the calamity, some stood brave, some cowered inside their homes. But nonetheless, almost all were humbled by the unusually mighty storm, and we all knew what was going to happen when the aftermath comes - disaster in epic proportions.
I was one of those millions of people who got threatened by the calamity. I am very lucky to be here typing and updating my blog, and I thank God for giving me this chance to continue my life, and for keeping my family and community intact. I also thank Him for saving alot of people with his modern day heroes as His instruments (including an eighteen year old boy who saved more than thirty people, but couldn't save himself - see link below). I just wished they could have saved everybody.
Life is not exclusively about waking everyday, having your meals, going to work or school, being with your loved ones, and everything else that people normally do everyday. It is also not only about the past, how you have lived your life, your achievements, your embarassments, etc. It is also about the future, the direction you are taking, the dreams and especially the missions, whether they are long term or short term.
I am very concerned to those people who has lost their lives - who are going to be the people who will carry on to their missions? Who will continue catching their dreams? I perfectly understand that in most circumstances, it is virtually impossible to carry on a person's mission who just passed away. But that would be really unjust - you were sent here in this world for a purpose, and no one can fulfill that purpose if you died without fulfilling that purpose.
Especially that eighteen year old boy. As a young man, I am very sure he had a lot of dreams to chase. He had his own missions. But at that very moment, he stood still and thought of his fellowmen's lives first before his own. Before his dreams. Before his life mission. He helped more than thirty lives to go on and continue living and chasing dreams, for the cost of his own. Who will continue his legacy?
I thank God and the heavens above for giving me this chance on seeing the calm after the storm, for enduring the calamity and live to tell the tale about it. But most importantly, for helping me continue the mission this blog is all about, along with my dreams. I'd still want to chase my dreams, eventhough they seem unreachable. And I still want to live the day that I look at her face, telling her how much I am feeling for her, even if that would be the last day I'd be living.
Now that there are two incoming typhoons in the country. We better brace ourselves for these, and pray that they will not be as desctructive as the previous one.
-----
The story about the eighteen year old boy - http://www.theage.com.au/world/philippine-man-loses-own-life-after-saving-30-20090928-g8o4.html
20090930
20090924
Facets of My Life
I hope it gets interesting for the readers to wonder who I really am in the flesh, especially to those who have followed my blog through the months. If you guys still do follow this, I hope I could personally thank all of you. :)
Have you ever wondered that someone within your world may be living a double life now? Not that I am saying that only a few like me are doing something like this. But there may be people right under our noses who try to sneak in the world with a different...anonymous identity.
In the real world, I wake up everyday, get ready for work and work my ass off in the office. I have my meals with colleagues or alone, do my stuff. On weekends I pretty much hang around with friends or bum in the house. Pretty much a normal guy would do. And it has been a cycle.
In this other facet of my life, I come in as a totally anonymous guy, with a lot of things to say, mainly about this certain girl and my memories of her. I have been trying to sort my thought of her out into blog entries - I'd say most of them are so beautiful because they came straight from my heart. I thought my blog would catch zero attention, but so far, it caught the attention of few but very nice people.
I had been wishing this thing that I have been doing would help me silently scream my heart out to random people, just to ease the pain of having so much feelings for someone very unreachable. So far, I have been loving the feeling that there are people who would take time to read this blog and listen to the stories of a total stranger. In return, I read and listen to what they have to say and give my two cents to them. Cyber friends? I am hoping so.
Relating these two facets of my life, only one person in the world can connect these two - meaning this person and I know the identity of each other, and we just met right here in blogspot. But for the rest of the world, you can wonder that I may be your friend just sitting right beside you while you read this, or I may be your colleague that always seem to be thinking deeply, or your own brother. I may be that random guy you saw drinking with some buddies in a bar nearby. I may be that barista who served you the coffee you ordered last weekend in a small coffee shop. I may be anybody to you who fits the description of a male yuppy.
With this very short entry of mine comes along a very good lesson: People come in different shapes in sizes, but they are not always seem as how they appear, as all of us I believe, have our own burdens whether we choose to keep or to let out to others. If these people share to you their hearts and tell you their stories, listen to them. Don't ever make a crap out of them. You'd never know the true person behind the one who's sharing a part of himself/herself to you.
Again, for those few who still follow my blog, I send you my warmest gratitude.
Have you ever wondered that someone within your world may be living a double life now? Not that I am saying that only a few like me are doing something like this. But there may be people right under our noses who try to sneak in the world with a different...anonymous identity.
In the real world, I wake up everyday, get ready for work and work my ass off in the office. I have my meals with colleagues or alone, do my stuff. On weekends I pretty much hang around with friends or bum in the house. Pretty much a normal guy would do. And it has been a cycle.
In this other facet of my life, I come in as a totally anonymous guy, with a lot of things to say, mainly about this certain girl and my memories of her. I have been trying to sort my thought of her out into blog entries - I'd say most of them are so beautiful because they came straight from my heart. I thought my blog would catch zero attention, but so far, it caught the attention of few but very nice people.
I had been wishing this thing that I have been doing would help me silently scream my heart out to random people, just to ease the pain of having so much feelings for someone very unreachable. So far, I have been loving the feeling that there are people who would take time to read this blog and listen to the stories of a total stranger. In return, I read and listen to what they have to say and give my two cents to them. Cyber friends? I am hoping so.
Relating these two facets of my life, only one person in the world can connect these two - meaning this person and I know the identity of each other, and we just met right here in blogspot. But for the rest of the world, you can wonder that I may be your friend just sitting right beside you while you read this, or I may be your colleague that always seem to be thinking deeply, or your own brother. I may be that random guy you saw drinking with some buddies in a bar nearby. I may be that barista who served you the coffee you ordered last weekend in a small coffee shop. I may be anybody to you who fits the description of a male yuppy.
With this very short entry of mine comes along a very good lesson: People come in different shapes in sizes, but they are not always seem as how they appear, as all of us I believe, have our own burdens whether we choose to keep or to let out to others. If these people share to you their hearts and tell you their stories, listen to them. Don't ever make a crap out of them. You'd never know the true person behind the one who's sharing a part of himself/herself to you.
Again, for those few who still follow my blog, I send you my warmest gratitude.
20090910
P5: "Looking forward for tomorrow..."
Deliberately skipping the fourth entry...
-----
This entry was basically written, in the timeline sense, in parallel to the sixth paragraph of the entry Blurry -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/07/blurry.html. But I will go to more detail in this entry.
-----
This entry was basically written, in the timeline sense, in parallel to the sixth paragraph of the entry Blurry -> http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/07/blurry.html. But I will go to more detail in this entry.
Do you guys know the feelings of looking forward to meet your childhood crush, and you know you're going to meet her really soon? You try to imagine and visualise what you two will be doing as soon as you are in each other's presence. That's pretty much how I was feeling before seeing her that time, but she wasn't my cihldhood crush.
Looking forward in seeing her was something I was carrying along in my heart. I would always think of her, imagining her voice in my head. It was crazy I say.
Too bad I couldn't see myself on how my eyes sparkled when I saw her again. I must have been so dazzled and so stunned by her sight. Those little eyes of hers just hit me right to my heart. But no dazzle could stop me from taking an opportunity of having a great day with her. I sat beside her and took a few pictures of us.
We did some stuff, basically playfully embarassing ourselves in front of people. But I didn't mind; I knew she didn't too. We were like two kids walking and enjoying themselves around, without parents to watch over us.
Now, try to imagine the feeling of ending the day and spending it with her, and you may have not done some of the things you visualised earlier, but still you did enjoy it with her. That's pretty much how I was feeling after that day being with her.
After a fun filled day with her, I really felt high. Being with her was so much fun after not seeing her for several days. I really enjoyed that day, and I am sure, she did too. I was so high, I took out the prequel and made this entry.
At the back of my mind, I was already aware of the tight schedule we had. I wished not to waste much time while we still had it. That day ended, with me looking forward for tomorrow.
20090831
Connected Dots Between Christmas Eve and Now
In light of very recent events, even though this was carried out by a very grave event, this has put a smile in my face, and gave me a throbbing heart.
My phone rang. My phone read her name on it.
I immediately answered the phone, and I knew immediately what we were going to talk about (and that's not going to be something that I'd be discussing here).
Her voice was very sweet, just as sweet as how I last heard her voice. I was intently listening to her questions, and I'd say, compared to how I last talked to her, I sounded way more confident than before.
Yeah, I sounded really composed as I was speaking to her. Every word she said I carefully listened to, and every word I said to her was very clear and concise. But deep inside of me, I was trembling with whatever mixed feelings I want to call them. We talked for some good five minutes, and hoped it lasted longer.
We were in constant contact that week. I wish I had a reason to call her too at that time.
It was almost four years ago since I last heard her voice. That was Christmas Eve.
My phone rang. My phone read her name on it.
I immediately answered the phone, and I knew immediately what we were going to talk about (and that's not going to be something that I'd be discussing here).
Her voice was very sweet, just as sweet as how I last heard her voice. I was intently listening to her questions, and I'd say, compared to how I last talked to her, I sounded way more confident than before.
Yeah, I sounded really composed as I was speaking to her. Every word she said I carefully listened to, and every word I said to her was very clear and concise. But deep inside of me, I was trembling with whatever mixed feelings I want to call them. We talked for some good five minutes, and hoped it lasted longer.
We were in constant contact that week. I wish I had a reason to call her too at that time.
It was almost four years ago since I last heard her voice. That was Christmas Eve.
20090828
P3: "She's just a pretty sight for sore eyes..."
I can remember I was feeling abit low at that point. Well, that's because I was so high up in the air and going further apart from her by the second. So I took out the prequel and making its third entry up in the skies.
We did not have a proper farewell the previous night. Sure I felt really bothered but I knew we'd still be seeing each other the following week.
But as I was up going further away, I was missing her. I was thinking of her, anticipating the things that were going to happen the next time we meet after a few days. I was capturing my mental pictures of her and I just sat on my seat while I was at it.
I had this notion that I didn't want to leave my hometown for a long time (like for example -> working or studying in another country). And I am sure, like for most of the people, the reasons for this would be similar. And besides, I already liked and was already contented with the direction that my life was about to take then.
But everything just went upside down.
My above mentioned notion suddenly changed. The reasons just became simple statements. And for only several days, I was (and have been) already looking forward for a few years ahead of me. I knew, at the back of my mind, I might not have admitted it before I wrote this entry, but this turnaround was, maybe not wholly but mostly because of her. I was (and have been) hoping that when that day comes, I'd be ready for it.
As I got home that night, I checked out our pictures so far. She's just a pretty sight for well and sore pair of eyes alike.
We did not have a proper farewell the previous night. Sure I felt really bothered but I knew we'd still be seeing each other the following week.
But as I was up going further away, I was missing her. I was thinking of her, anticipating the things that were going to happen the next time we meet after a few days. I was capturing my mental pictures of her and I just sat on my seat while I was at it.
I had this notion that I didn't want to leave my hometown for a long time (like for example -> working or studying in another country). And I am sure, like for most of the people, the reasons for this would be similar. And besides, I already liked and was already contented with the direction that my life was about to take then.
But everything just went upside down.
My above mentioned notion suddenly changed. The reasons just became simple statements. And for only several days, I was (and have been) already looking forward for a few years ahead of me. I knew, at the back of my mind, I might not have admitted it before I wrote this entry, but this turnaround was, maybe not wholly but mostly because of her. I was (and have been) hoping that when that day comes, I'd be ready for it.
As I got home that night, I checked out our pictures so far. She's just a pretty sight for well and sore pair of eyes alike.
20090819
*knock on wood*
Bold, as I may seem right at this moment, knowing that I have and still able to tell alot of my stories with her. But I have been doing this under an anonymous name. Yeah, different people have read my thoughts and shared their comments, and I really have appreciated them so well, but they do not know my real identity and the girl's identity.
In this blogosphere where I am using this name, no one knows my real identity. No one can know if I pass or go.
I have been painstakingly waiting for that day to come. I still have several months to wait.
But what if I die *knock on wood* before that day comes? How can I ever tell her the truth? How can she know what I really feel for her? Can someone send that message for her when the time comes that I cannot?
So let's hope I do not die before that time.
In this blogosphere where I am using this name, no one knows my real identity. No one can know if I pass or go.
I have been painstakingly waiting for that day to come. I still have several months to wait.
But what if I die *knock on wood* before that day comes? How can I ever tell her the truth? How can she know what I really feel for her? Can someone send that message for her when the time comes that I cannot?
So let's hope I do not die before that time.
20090817
Gambette!
Final entry of three parts
-----
My eyes were drenched with tears of pain and sadness as I got home, and I still was not done crying as I laid myself on the bed, on that same room where we were alone the last time. I cried until I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I felt the worst feeling I had ever felt at that time. I knew I had to adjust because at that point, I was already used to having her around me. I was already used to waking up, knowing she was just a tad away from me. I was already so used to hearing her voice, talking to me. I was so used to wasting my time away being with her.
And at that point, she was already gone. I felt so helpless, trying to blindly reach out for someone who, that I was very much aware, was not physically present.
I was holding on to something that we agreed upon before she left. We'd be communicating via the internet. I knew then and there it was going to be hard sending and reading not more than flat words, behind the computer screen. But that was the only thing I could hold on to. I was thinking of the events that led to me having this chance when least expected.
Yeah, I knew it was going to be hard. But never thought it was going to be seemingly nearly impossible.
We did exchanged mails for the first few weeks. I did send her the pictures we had. I then had my nights with me rushing to my desktop to check for her emails, and to reply to her. We really had things going on these first few weeks.
And while we were at it, I was also writing some really good stuff in the prequel. Everything that I wrote there in that timeframe was really heartfelt.
The prequel was actually divided into two parts, divided by the last entry ever written while we were still together. And it was an entry written, not by me, but by her. The message was short, but for whatever reason, she said "Don't give up."
Don't give up? On what?
It came to a point that she almost never would send me messages. Well she told me the reason - she had been busy in school. I respected her for that. (In general, I really respect anyone's time for family, church, work and school). I said to myself that I would patiently wait for her messages. I still patiently waited even when the time started that she sent me nothing. At nights, I'd force myself to sleep for hours, and cry myself to sleep.
Yeah, I couldn't do anything but I would get really frustrated. I know it seemed so senseless setting my eyes on someone who was far away from me and it was indefinite on when I would be seeing her again.
Trying to find a reason to communicate with her and just to hang on, I tried sending her flowers. And I did, and she was able to get it. I was happy that she did appreciate the flowers.
But after that, everything went blurry again. She would not send a single message again.
Frustration grew larger as I got into a crossroad. I had to decide whether I hopelessly and patiently wait for her or I move on. I tell all of you, at that point, I wanted her so much as I was having a hard time to tell if I already love her or not. But at that same time, I was at the brink of simply giving up.
And, after a number of nights filled with frustration and tears, I did. I did give her up. I did move on. After all, I wasn't really a hundred percent sure if I could get my sorry ass up near her.
And apparently, she seemed to make a move to move on. And I would later on learn that I made a chain of mistakes.
As a year had passed by, I seem all smiles by the way my life was going on. But I knew I would think about her in few occassions. And with these moments, it would still bring a nice smile to my face. Even when I was already convinced that we could never be a couple, I would still wonder what would happen the next time we meet face to face. I still missed her.
At a certain point within that time, some realizations had come to my attention.
If I knew that the professional career that I have can bring me to places, included hers, earlier, I would have definitely pushed myself to wait for her. At least, with that, I would have been holding something really concrete for the future, and that was definitive.
And, honestly not knowing if this is an effect of the former, I started missing her like before again. I started thinking of her like how I used to before. I started wanting her right in my arms again. I would always think of her every night. And to amplify these feelings (alongside with the pain I had to endure), I started looking at our pictures from time to time. Nothing beats hardcore reminiscing like this. Everything started to feel really fresh, as if those moments just passed.
At that same time frame, she was then able to occassionally send me emails, which all of them I read intently and done something as said in the email. One of those mails had like a "crush calculator" or something like that, that I had to put my crush's name then the site would say if we would be compatible or not. I was really thinking of putting her name on it, but not really knowing what had happened, I put a name of another girl. Not knowing it was just a trick to spill your crush to the sender, I immediately sent her an email telling her that she tricked me while laughing at it. But deep inside of me, I felt stupid that I should have typed in her name. What should have been a great way to tell her I still like her.
A few years have passed while I have been carrying all of these realizations without telling anyone, because I knew this was very senseless and unguided. Then I came to point that I felt that if I will not find a way to let all of these out of my chest, I will go crazy. Late last year, I had put up a plan that would help me get all of these out, and for a few months I mustered the courage to actually do it and set the direction that I would be taking.
And finally, this year's Valentine's day, I started it - putting up a blog and writing behind an anonymous name.
At this point, how I am feeling for her right now is pretty much the same as how I described it above. I think I have expressed that clearly (over vague stories) in this blog for the past months. And so, some people may ask: what is my objective? What do I want to happen?
Simple. I want to fly fifteen hundred miles to her place because I want to tell her the truth in person, and I want her to hear them all in person. Nothing more, nothing less. She can ignore me for the rest of her life after that.
Senseless, right. I wish I am joking for all of this crap, but I am not. On this simple plan that I made, I don't want to give up. I already gave up on her once.
Then another day passes. Waiting for that dreadful day to come.
-----
My eyes were drenched with tears of pain and sadness as I got home, and I still was not done crying as I laid myself on the bed, on that same room where we were alone the last time. I cried until I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I felt the worst feeling I had ever felt at that time. I knew I had to adjust because at that point, I was already used to having her around me. I was already used to waking up, knowing she was just a tad away from me. I was already so used to hearing her voice, talking to me. I was so used to wasting my time away being with her.
And at that point, she was already gone. I felt so helpless, trying to blindly reach out for someone who, that I was very much aware, was not physically present.
I was holding on to something that we agreed upon before she left. We'd be communicating via the internet. I knew then and there it was going to be hard sending and reading not more than flat words, behind the computer screen. But that was the only thing I could hold on to. I was thinking of the events that led to me having this chance when least expected.
Yeah, I knew it was going to be hard. But never thought it was going to be seemingly nearly impossible.
We did exchanged mails for the first few weeks. I did send her the pictures we had. I then had my nights with me rushing to my desktop to check for her emails, and to reply to her. We really had things going on these first few weeks.
And while we were at it, I was also writing some really good stuff in the prequel. Everything that I wrote there in that timeframe was really heartfelt.
The prequel was actually divided into two parts, divided by the last entry ever written while we were still together. And it was an entry written, not by me, but by her. The message was short, but for whatever reason, she said "Don't give up."
Don't give up? On what?
It came to a point that she almost never would send me messages. Well she told me the reason - she had been busy in school. I respected her for that. (In general, I really respect anyone's time for family, church, work and school). I said to myself that I would patiently wait for her messages. I still patiently waited even when the time started that she sent me nothing. At nights, I'd force myself to sleep for hours, and cry myself to sleep.
Yeah, I couldn't do anything but I would get really frustrated. I know it seemed so senseless setting my eyes on someone who was far away from me and it was indefinite on when I would be seeing her again.
Trying to find a reason to communicate with her and just to hang on, I tried sending her flowers. And I did, and she was able to get it. I was happy that she did appreciate the flowers.
But after that, everything went blurry again. She would not send a single message again.
Frustration grew larger as I got into a crossroad. I had to decide whether I hopelessly and patiently wait for her or I move on. I tell all of you, at that point, I wanted her so much as I was having a hard time to tell if I already love her or not. But at that same time, I was at the brink of simply giving up.
And, after a number of nights filled with frustration and tears, I did. I did give her up. I did move on. After all, I wasn't really a hundred percent sure if I could get my sorry ass up near her.
And apparently, she seemed to make a move to move on. And I would later on learn that I made a chain of mistakes.
As a year had passed by, I seem all smiles by the way my life was going on. But I knew I would think about her in few occassions. And with these moments, it would still bring a nice smile to my face. Even when I was already convinced that we could never be a couple, I would still wonder what would happen the next time we meet face to face. I still missed her.
At a certain point within that time, some realizations had come to my attention.
If I knew that the professional career that I have can bring me to places, included hers, earlier, I would have definitely pushed myself to wait for her. At least, with that, I would have been holding something really concrete for the future, and that was definitive.
And, honestly not knowing if this is an effect of the former, I started missing her like before again. I started thinking of her like how I used to before. I started wanting her right in my arms again. I would always think of her every night. And to amplify these feelings (alongside with the pain I had to endure), I started looking at our pictures from time to time. Nothing beats hardcore reminiscing like this. Everything started to feel really fresh, as if those moments just passed.
At that same time frame, she was then able to occassionally send me emails, which all of them I read intently and done something as said in the email. One of those mails had like a "crush calculator" or something like that, that I had to put my crush's name then the site would say if we would be compatible or not. I was really thinking of putting her name on it, but not really knowing what had happened, I put a name of another girl. Not knowing it was just a trick to spill your crush to the sender, I immediately sent her an email telling her that she tricked me while laughing at it. But deep inside of me, I felt stupid that I should have typed in her name. What should have been a great way to tell her I still like her.
A few years have passed while I have been carrying all of these realizations without telling anyone, because I knew this was very senseless and unguided. Then I came to point that I felt that if I will not find a way to let all of these out of my chest, I will go crazy. Late last year, I had put up a plan that would help me get all of these out, and for a few months I mustered the courage to actually do it and set the direction that I would be taking.
And finally, this year's Valentine's day, I started it - putting up a blog and writing behind an anonymous name.
At this point, how I am feeling for her right now is pretty much the same as how I described it above. I think I have expressed that clearly (over vague stories) in this blog for the past months. And so, some people may ask: what is my objective? What do I want to happen?
Simple. I want to fly fifteen hundred miles to her place because I want to tell her the truth in person, and I want her to hear them all in person. Nothing more, nothing less. She can ignore me for the rest of her life after that.
Senseless, right. I wish I am joking for all of this crap, but I am not. On this simple plan that I made, I don't want to give up. I already gave up on her once.
Then another day passes. Waiting for that dreadful day to come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
