Unexpected Turn of Events

If you are someone who have followed this blog for the longest time, you would be expecting that I would be telling her everything that I still feel about her before coming back home. You would be expecting some dramatic events that could have happened in that very part of my life. You would be expecting me feeling alright or maybe a bit happier than I should be by letting my heart out in front of her face.

Well, I am feeling alright and happier as I post this, but I never told her even but a single thing. It's not that I never had the chance to talk to her. I had maybe significantly less chances than I expected, but they were still chances and I only needed one chance. But I did not take it. I just could not muster the courage to carry on with that. And I firmly stand with that decision I made, hoping I won't be regretting it soon.

I might have joked a bit to her about it. Something I said to her like "Well, it was kinda lonely... because you weren't there with me." But enough of how she reacted, because she just gave a blank reaction to that. Maybe she was all stressed from the work she was doing. And yeah, that was the reason why we did not have much bonding time as much as we had years before.

Well, that made me turn my attention to her brother. He's already like a brother to me. My brother from another mother, and I don't exactly know how he feels about that. But just for a few days spending time with this guy, we had already done quite a lot of stuff together. He made me feel quite comfortable around him.

And being comfortable with him, I told him everything. To him, instead to her. Well, as I was just starting telling him stuff, he already guessed what was it all about right. I showed him the prequel, and I showed him this exact blog. He is the first person who I have showed him all of these in person. I might have seem weirded him out with all these things I have revealed to him in just a single night.

He did let me sincerely pour my heart out to him, trying to mean every word I said to him, and also hoping at least he would still pay some respect to me if ever he could never understand why I was saying those things. Yeah, I was worried about that but that really did not stop me from sharing my thoughts to him.

I left everything I wrote about his sister to him - the prequel and this blog. I have left the decision to him if he wants to read everything from start to finish or not. And I left myself with the decision of not telling her anything, of leaving everything as they are right now.

Please watch out for my next entry of this blog, which will be the very very very last entry. :)

Immersion Exercise: Finished

So my stay here with my sponsors will be ending really soon. It has been a really enjoyable stay here. I have seen and experienced a lot in a different perspective. Things may have gone as partly exactly what I have planned, and could have been done in another way, but I have preferred to be this way.

And yep, I have met her again face to face. I ended up not telling her anything because I chose so. I will not be seeing her for the time being again.

This immersion exercise for me is a really big thing for me. During my stay here, I had been always brought back to the same time we were first together. This is a continuation, maybe a very senseless one, that I made possible myself.

I may not have done what this blog is all about, but it's all going to be. I chose to kept quiet and hide these very special feelings until the end.

I will put to more details when I get back home. Maybe two more posts then this blog is over.

Viewing The Roots

This is not the first time that I am using another terminal to make another blog entry, but certainly this is the only time that I will be using this particular terminal. It's 90561495's cousin's.

I am here in her hometown - some two hundred kilometers north of where we first met. I am hanging out with her cousins, who I honestly think are great people to be with. They are giving me blast here in my stay so far. And now they are both here with me in the same room, doing our own businesses in front of the PC's.

It always give me this certain kind of interest to visit and tour a bit one person's childhood town, especially those very interesting or special people that moved out from that town. I am guessing maybe because I am still living in the same house I grew up in, and never had to feel moving out and living in another area.

Touring one's hometown always gives me this investigative and analytical, but at the same time very empathic feeling, like trying to relive how this person went through as a child, or sometimes giving credit blaming a certain place for making this person who he or she is now.

And yea, I had the chance earlier today to blame a certain place. We passed by the school where she finished primary and secondary school (if I am not mistaken, and if I am, I am sure she did finish secondary school there). I was just staring at the campus while we drove down the area, trying to imagine her as a kid walking around. And at some point, I just have to blame that place for making her the person WHO IS SEEMINGLY HARD TO REACH. Crap you know, but I can't just do anything about it and I have to live with it.

As we were having dinner, I just could not help checking all the sights around me. The fact that she once dealt with this humble city in her forming years. And even if I blamed this place for something, I have to it some credit for harnessing its omnipotent powers to give birth and raise a very amazing person for the world to see and have.

Now I am having a time of my life on her roots, and so far away from her, I am thinking about her.

Smile! You're on camera!

Finally.

I just can't believe it. Just awhile ago I am fifteen hundred miles away from her. And now, she is but again a tad away from me. I have actually flown that far to see her.

The moment I saw her, I knew my heart skipped that beat. I waved at her but I don't think she noticed. She just had the most beautiful little eyes I have ever seen in my entire life, eventhough at this instance she was too sleepy to open them up. She looks the very same pretty girl I have seen before when started going head over heels for her.

I hope I can muster the courage to tell her personally what this blog is all about. I got a week to do that. Wish me luck!

Ready. Set. Waiting for the Green Light.

After several years, I have finally marked it official. I am finally meeting her soon, and I know exactly when, where and around what time. I am making myself ready for that very moment, and everything after that. For whatever happens, I hope everything will be ok.

Just as we parted ways years ago, while my resolve was hanging by a very sharp edge fervently watching out her every message she would send me in very rare occasions, I learned that a few years after that we would meet again. That exactly was not in my control, but of course I looked forward for it. At nights that I would daydream just imagining how things would be on our next "expected" meeting. That went on for quite a long time while I wait for that day.

But things took an unexpected turn. On a bad road. In other words, I wouldn't meet her again. Try to imagine how I felt at that exact moment when I realized that. I know around that time our separate lives have gone separate ways. But nonetheless, I felt that sting in my heart.

Being bound to a promise I made before (not to her), but not saying I was in some kind of a control, I took matters in my own hands. And right at this moment, I am very happy and excited that somehow I have put myself back in that track again, and even more thinking about that it was all my doing that made that possible. I took control, then soon will be taking off.

Well, not really much things needed for me to be done to make this possible. Just have to cut a big part of one's savings depending on your current financial standing, a little bit of patience and time. I think strength of resolve and a big heart are also needed.

Now, I have the same thing to be looked forward again. Maybe in a different setup, but it's the same thing.

Oh boy, am I so ready to meet her again. We've lost a lot of time, and we're about to unfold how much lost time we will get back.

Hand me the rake!

Finally, the first part of the plan has finally unfolded! Within just a matter of some weeks, I will be seeing her face to face. After several years, our eyes will meet again. Nobody else is excited as I am right now.

I had a very short conversation with her this afternoon. Just via SMS. It's pretty much related to a paragraph in the entry 'The Pursuit?' (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/02/pursuit.html). Pretty much what I wrote there is still true when I am to describe our conversation earlier.

But she just had to make the recognition that it has been years since we last met. Well, she knows that she will soon see me. I myself confirmed it to her, just simply how a person confirms meeting to another person of a colleague or professional level.

Is she wondering how things would unfold from the very first moment we meet again? How does she entirely feel about this? It's not that I am expecting something really grand from her (and because I have a few good reasons why I shouldn't), but how about picking up the slack we left off some years ago, then throw them all away IN THE PROPER PLACE? Or would she realize this 'slack' we both caused (at least to me) or not?

Well, we will just have to wait and find out.

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Just a side note, this blog is nearing its last entry. Once this blog serves its purpose, I will post my last entry.

P7: "Then I glance..."

If my memory serves me right, this is the first entry that I made wherein she was like a tad away while I was doing this part of the prequel. So let me just describe, as I can remember, how we looked like at that exact moment - I was lying on the sofa doing this stuff while she was on the other sofa reading a book, which I did not try to check out for its title.

Honestly, that seventh entry of the prequel was composed of hell of a lot of non sense. Try to imagine that it was the first time that I wrote some things down about this girl who was making my heart go ga-ga over her and she was just within my line and range of sight. Nothing can make me more disoriented than that! I couldn't hold on to my concentration with that.

I glance, then I write, then I glance again.

Let's try to take this one in another picture. A bigger one, maybe. I hope everyone admits (as I believe a large percentage of our population who would encounter a similar situation would feel this way) that you will be caught off guard whenever your crush or a person whom you highly like in a romantic way just suddenly appears in your sight.

How can you instantly make sense when something like this happens to you? How can you regain your composure in the quickest way possible?

As humans, we may all have different reactions to this. Some may really go crazy out loud; some may seem to appear unaffected. Some may need to put a great deal of concentration on this; some may just ignore it. But we all deal with this, no matter you're a guy or a girl. No matter how our ubiquitous "methodologies" serve us.

If you have followed this blog from the start, I am sure you know this part of my story very well, and just try to imagine me and her at that exact point in time. Just try to imagine how I was feeling at that very moment when I was doing this entry in the prequel. I really love that moment - trying to hide away my feelings for her and the only thing where I can say these feelings out loud was through the prequel.

And with her just nearby while I did that, I could never resist myself from glancing to her. Just wanted to peek how she looked like at that moment while she was reading this book.

Output? Nonsense. And I truly like it.