Ready. Set. Waiting for the Green Light.

After several years, I have finally marked it official. I am finally meeting her soon, and I know exactly when, where and around what time. I am making myself ready for that very moment, and everything after that. For whatever happens, I hope everything will be ok.

Just as we parted ways years ago, while my resolve was hanging by a very sharp edge fervently watching out her every message she would send me in very rare occasions, I learned that a few years after that we would meet again. That exactly was not in my control, but of course I looked forward for it. At nights that I would daydream just imagining how things would be on our next "expected" meeting. That went on for quite a long time while I wait for that day.

But things took an unexpected turn. On a bad road. In other words, I wouldn't meet her again. Try to imagine how I felt at that exact moment when I realized that. I know around that time our separate lives have gone separate ways. But nonetheless, I felt that sting in my heart.

Being bound to a promise I made before (not to her), but not saying I was in some kind of a control, I took matters in my own hands. And right at this moment, I am very happy and excited that somehow I have put myself back in that track again, and even more thinking about that it was all my doing that made that possible. I took control, then soon will be taking off.

Well, not really much things needed for me to be done to make this possible. Just have to cut a big part of one's savings depending on your current financial standing, a little bit of patience and time. I think strength of resolve and a big heart are also needed.

Now, I have the same thing to be looked forward again. Maybe in a different setup, but it's the same thing.

Oh boy, am I so ready to meet her again. We've lost a lot of time, and we're about to unfold how much lost time we will get back.

Hand me the rake!

Finally, the first part of the plan has finally unfolded! Within just a matter of some weeks, I will be seeing her face to face. After several years, our eyes will meet again. Nobody else is excited as I am right now.

I had a very short conversation with her this afternoon. Just via SMS. It's pretty much related to a paragraph in the entry 'The Pursuit?' (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/02/pursuit.html). Pretty much what I wrote there is still true when I am to describe our conversation earlier.

But she just had to make the recognition that it has been years since we last met. Well, she knows that she will soon see me. I myself confirmed it to her, just simply how a person confirms meeting to another person of a colleague or professional level.

Is she wondering how things would unfold from the very first moment we meet again? How does she entirely feel about this? It's not that I am expecting something really grand from her (and because I have a few good reasons why I shouldn't), but how about picking up the slack we left off some years ago, then throw them all away IN THE PROPER PLACE? Or would she realize this 'slack' we both caused (at least to me) or not?

Well, we will just have to wait and find out.

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Just a side note, this blog is nearing its last entry. Once this blog serves its purpose, I will post my last entry.

P7: "Then I glance..."

If my memory serves me right, this is the first entry that I made wherein she was like a tad away while I was doing this part of the prequel. So let me just describe, as I can remember, how we looked like at that exact moment - I was lying on the sofa doing this stuff while she was on the other sofa reading a book, which I did not try to check out for its title.

Honestly, that seventh entry of the prequel was composed of hell of a lot of non sense. Try to imagine that it was the first time that I wrote some things down about this girl who was making my heart go ga-ga over her and she was just within my line and range of sight. Nothing can make me more disoriented than that! I couldn't hold on to my concentration with that.

I glance, then I write, then I glance again.

Let's try to take this one in another picture. A bigger one, maybe. I hope everyone admits (as I believe a large percentage of our population who would encounter a similar situation would feel this way) that you will be caught off guard whenever your crush or a person whom you highly like in a romantic way just suddenly appears in your sight.

How can you instantly make sense when something like this happens to you? How can you regain your composure in the quickest way possible?

As humans, we may all have different reactions to this. Some may really go crazy out loud; some may seem to appear unaffected. Some may need to put a great deal of concentration on this; some may just ignore it. But we all deal with this, no matter you're a guy or a girl. No matter how our ubiquitous "methodologies" serve us.

If you have followed this blog from the start, I am sure you know this part of my story very well, and just try to imagine me and her at that exact point in time. Just try to imagine how I was feeling at that very moment when I was doing this entry in the prequel. I really love that moment - trying to hide away my feelings for her and the only thing where I can say these feelings out loud was through the prequel.

And with her just nearby while I did that, I could never resist myself from glancing to her. Just wanted to peek how she looked like at that moment while she was reading this book.

Output? Nonsense. And I truly like it.

Bouncing Up and Down

This is but a very short post.

It's simple. the note blocks in Super Mario Brothers 3 (Nintendo, Super Nintendo, GBA) would always remind me my trampoline moments with her. See video below where the note blocks are featured from 0:10 to 1:48.

So, wanna bounce?

REWIND!!!

First of all, I would like to apologize to all those few people who are following my blog for being horrendously delayed in making my this new entry. It is not because I have absolutely nothing in mind for me to write, but in all honesty, this has been more than a month due (October 22) because that day marks a certain point in my life's history some years back. I have been absolutely upset for not being able to do this entry on that date, because I had been planning to do so. I had been so busy in a lot of errands. And thankfully, now I got the time to do it, and more thankfully, I am in the mood to do this. Here it is. So just try to imagine that this entry was made last October 22, 2009. This is just a short one. Enjoy!
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On this day several years back, that was the first time we met. One of the most unexpected turns in my whole life. I was in the room, hearing that they had finally arrived. I knew nothing special was going to occur. So I got myself ready, just as how I would do it in any normal occasion. I didn't do anything to myself to look hopelessly better, to make myself more presentable, nor to make myself smell even better.

Then there she was - unexpectedly like a ray of sunshine in my sight. As I have mentioned in this blog a lot of times already, she looked so stunning in with her little eyes in those black frames. Now I wonder, how my face looked like at that very moment.

I was never a person to share my thoughts on crushes on pretty girls with my siblings. Perhaps, there'd always be a first. And for this one, that was the first. I was telling my brother and sister that she was damn so pretty, that she'd stand out to be one of the prettiest if she were to study in my university where I was studying (now graduated), and I told them that without hesitation.

I couldn't exactly tell what my siblings were thinking of me when I told them that. But, I didn't care. I know.

I still can vividly remember those special times that we had - whether it had been good or bad. She had a very great power over me, and how I wonder how much she had realized that. I might have been someone to her that half of it wasn't really me. But I do regret that I honestly did not make the most of it.

I really did not have the chance to tell her how much she had lighted up my life for the entire time we were together, and I cannot blame her for equally dimming me out when we parted ways. I can't imagine myself that I really cried so hard because of her - probably the most painful one in my entire life.

I'd always put myself to rewind mode in some ways - reading up the prequel (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/04/prequel.html), walking down the memory lane (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/10/down-on-memory-lane.html), reading our old emails shortly after we parted ways, checking up our pictures together, etc. They give me more than the feeling of nostalgia. And I can't help but think that it has been years already, and these times of the year will always be instruments to remind me of those times.

So guys, if you can remember me very well in the future, pop me at the comings dates of October 22nd.

90561495 vs. The Author

This is an entry trying to put more detail from the previous entry P6: "But she's just too good for me..." -- http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/10/p6-but-shes-just-too-good-for-me.html

This really ain't a "versus" entry as in a competition or something. This entry is just trying to answer why she was (or maybe still is) too good for me. Since this is a directly related to the sixth entry of the prequel, the contents of this blog entry is in relation of the events that had happened so far at the time of posting of the mentioned prequel entry, and to extend a little (for the sake of coherence with the previous entries of this blog, until a little later at that time -- which would be some years ago.

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I said in my previous entry that she was a person of stature for me, and I might have not been seemingly the same for her. I meant that, and I have reasons why.

Firstly, I'd like to make a measure on the absolute scale. Who was I, and who was she? Who are we in relation to our separate societies and cultures we had lived in?

She stood on an average height for a girl, built is average - not fat, but not skinny either. Insanely pretty and cute in my eyes. Absolutely innocent looking (but don't be fooled by her looks). Seemingly simple girl who was pretty much flexible on her clothes. Definitely loves her mummy very much. Speaks in a very distinct [insert non rhotic accent here] that sometimes she says some words in a funny but cute way. Loves to sleep anywhere, anytime. A very good swimmer.

I stand above the average height for guys, but significantly underweight. Average looks for where I had lived. Living a simple life with family and friends. Proud music lover and player. Loves talking to people and making new friends. Avid writer of random things, but leaning more on love issues. Can do quite a number of sports, but not swimming.

As a student, she had been consistent on being recognized as one of the top students of her class academically. To add to that, she had been busy working so hard in extracurricular activities. She had been shaping herself to become a strong and independent woman, to the extent of hearing something like "boys get intimidated by her."

As for me, I pretty much fell on the middle part of the bell curve. I was pretty much went to school just for the sake of graduating. I was honestly more interested in meeting my friends in school, seeing my crushes and trying to make more music than actually studying. Had a fair share of failing grades and very high ones, and everything in between. I was pretty much more interested in connecting to other people. Did try to get involved in some extracurricular activities, but wasn't really into them. Did not really pay much attention until the last part of schooling.

So with these [limited] individual characteristics I have described, what had happened when we did run to each other's faces and collide?

She was like this tough battering ram charging straight to my gut. I did not know how to handle her, as if it was quite necessary. I was caught off guard, and I am very sure she had not been entirely aware of it.

She was getting to know me really better as I was scrambling for air to do the same to her. Yes I did get to know her better, and she must not had been worried a single moment of it. For me, I'd be so much proud of her if I was her father. I thought she was really an amazing girl how I had been seeing her handling herself in front of whoever gets to interact with her. I was pretty much in awe of her.

And as for me who wasn't so proud of myself being in front of her, I don't think I did cause her to awe for me in anyway. And damn, even with my seemingly greatest life weapon, she wouldn't budge to it (which I will put into more detail in another future entry). She said something like this -- "I don't like musicians. They are playboys." So how the heck was I going to impress her? And to add to this hardship, my Dad kept on feeding her embarrassing things about me which I would just wish I could have told these things to her myself.

But no matter how things badly went, I can say I was very lucky that I had experienced her sweet side. She made me feel comfortable almost all the time we were together (at least almost, because at times she did ignore me with me without actually being at least partly aware of it). Even if things were lopsided against me in terms of getting on a higher leverage, if that was utterly necessary for me to say something like that, I still thought it was prudent that I keep my best foot forward at all times.

Certainly, that kept me going on at least a forward pace. One of the notables is that one good thing she saw in me (http://secret--lover.blogspot.com/2009/05/that-one-good-thing-she-saw-in-me.html). At least that helps me keep my grin (and probably my sanity too) maybe for a day or two. Probably, the reasons too how she made those memories with me that have been so worthy of reminiscing.

But there came a time when she let most of it out, which made me feel really disappointed equally at her and at myself. At that final night, the stage was set for the most awaited conversation in our lives. At that time, I pretty much learned how to handle myself being with her.

I knew very well in myself that I was a WAY BETTER person than the person I was very sure how she saw me. I already had a lot of sensible things happening in my mind. What was very frustrating is I might have failed to show her even the half of the real me [for the possible reason I am not yet ready to share to this blog -- better hunt me down on MSN if interested]. I almost never seem to find my way to hit my high notes on her when I would usually do normally on other people. And as a girl like her who never had someone to romantically call her own, this might have posed to be important as she was to share to me what he wanted from a potential boyfriend.

She claimed she was smarter than me - that might have been obviously true by just comparing our scholastic histories, but she surely didn't know how way smarter I was than I seemed to her.

She wanted a "great" boyfriend. [removing a bit of bragging details]. But stating the ALMOST seemingly obvious, that made her too good for me.

Ultimately, at that time, I really really really liked her a lot, and she knew about it, but that was it. That was SUPPOSED TO BE IT, and nothing should have moved past that. If she didn't talk about [something about courting her], none of these have honestly mattered. Try hearing something like this from her "Let's see if you can change my mind about musicians". That was definitely a romantic challenge for me, and instantly, I had a confidently comforting feeling (which would going to be crushed in the coming months).

By the time you end reading this, you'd say there are some inconsistencies in here. I know that already, but please do tell me all about it. :)

P6: "But she's just too good for me..."

There was already a huge impact of her to me at that time. She was simply making me happy already. I would always think of her almost all the time - from the moment I wake up until down to my last conscious thought, and would go on again the next day.

I have experienced a number of special new things, and I did experience them with her and because of her. Do you know those times that you were entering a new chapter of your life, and you were doing it with a smiling face and a light heart? Do you remember how it felt?

Experiencing these special firsts in my life with her has made her become so memorable. And as I wrote this entry years back, I only felt so much joy being with her and knowing we still had time to be with each other, eventhough I haven't really known how much that meant to her.

She was a person of stature for me, and I might have not been seemingly the same for her. We have known alot of things about each other, and that enough gave me a reason to feel intimidated to her. But I really did not feel that way. I have not been sure if she meant it, deliberately had done it that way, or that was the way she kept herself with different people, but she simply made me feel totally and entirely comfortable being with her. I might have been one of the luckier guys out there (at that time maybe) who was able to see and experience the sweeter side of her.

I know I already wanted her and needed her around so much, but I know she was too good for a guy like me.